UFO

Deals with military themes and contains material that some people may find defensive.

Date: Saturday 5th September 2020

Location: Northwood

Specifically: Oi! Get out didn't you notice the 'engaged' symbol? And I'd give it ten minutes if I were you when you come back!"

It is not a good idea to watch in excess of *300 episodes of ‘Forensic Files’ on You Tube then go walkies down isolated lanes, country roads and shadowy pathways. Especially if like me you have an overactive imagination.

*Over a number of weeks that is just in case you thought I had been watching the episodes in a row with a gallon of ale and several catering packets of cheese n onion crisps.

For example innocuous looking stuff that you wouldn’t normally look twice at takes on a whole new meaning. Is that really just a bin bag thrown under that hedge? Did that old car in the middle of the brambles rust with age or did someone set fire to it and throw the occupants under a train (not while it was moving you understand impressionable people might be reading this - Monet & Renoir for instance) is that a blunt instrument lying there in the grass or does it just resemble a busted saxophone?

To take my mind off such ugly thoughts I message Rachael. I love this when I'm out walking because it feels like she's there and because she inspires my writing.

“We’re on our walk sweetie!”

“Isn’t this nice?”

“Hope I don’t get mugged!”

“Been watching too many episodes of ‘Forensic Files’ 🥺

She tells me...

“I love Forensic Files”

“Hah! I expect if I get mugged you’ll want the video for facebook”

“Are you insinuating I have a Facebook posting issue lol”

“Nah sweetie just my weird sense of humour”

“Look sweetie pie! A UFO!”

“Eh?” I stop messaging and gaze intently at the sky in front of me. No question about it - its certainly a strange looking object.

A passer by is about to pass by but stops passing by to see what I’m looking at while I was passing by but stopped passing when I noticed the mysterious object. It was certainly some kind of flying thingamajig which, at first, I was unable to identify (which I guess is where the term UFO comes from (which stands for ‘something is flying about in the heavens but I’m damned if I know what it is’).

The stranger gave me a look like he’d ordered steak in a restaurant and been served a banana. He then went quickly on his way looking back at me from time to time in a manner that suggested he’d seen my face on a wanted poster

Soon as I arrived home I uploaded the UFO image to Facebook then sat at my computer waiting to become famous! Maybe I would be inundated with friend requests and demands for autographed selfies!

It is a fact that there are certain people in this world known as UFP’s (Unidentified F*****g People) who wouldn’t be able to save there own ass if there was a fire in the room because despite it staring them in the face and singing there eyebrows they still wouldn’t accept what they were seeing. In other words even when confronted with hard evidence they still won’t believe what they’re looking at.

First posting

“Who are you kidding? that's a wind turbine and you’ve just Photoshopped the tower off”

Second posting

🙄

Third Posting

“Wow congratulations! Can you send me an autographed photo of yourself?”

My Response

“Really?”

“NO!”

Photo attached so you can make your own mind up. I’ve had enough of naysayers, doubting Thomas’s and those people who argued with the Israelites.

A little further on - just past a sign saying ‘REFURBISHED WIND TURBINES SOLD HERE’ (oops) was a bee hive! Strange? After being on this earth for 25 years (“oh f***off!”) this is the first time I have ever seen a bee-hive! It got me wondering. If someone gave me one of the little creatures for nothing would it be known as a freebee?

You would think that after all this I would have had enough excitement for one day. But no. I had set myself a target to walk to the edge of the Ferns nature reserve and I was going to walk there, besides it was only another few hundred yards or so. This meant taking a route along a path that was so obscured by overhanging trees it was as if darkness had already descended. My mood changed immediately; from the tranquility of strolling along a sun dappled path surrounded by meadows, the sunshine creating a feeling of all being right with the world and (icing on the cake!) feeling Rachael's presence as strongly as if she were walking the path beside me. Now I was feeling a sense of foreboding even though the path was quite short. It's at times like these that I think about just how vulnerable we all are. One of the episodes of the Forensic Files I watched showed an interview with a detective who said girls are vulnerable out on their own especially in secluded areas because they are at risk of sex crimes like rape. he went on to say that girls should take special care. Well I have news for him. It's generally men who commit this crime of depravity NOT the girls. So why don't they suggest that men take 'special care' because the Old Bill is keeping their beady eye on them? Besides It isn't just girls who are at risk of rape it's men as well. In fact it's pretty much anybody; come on - you read the papers you've all heard stories of rapes being committed on the elderly, children, babies and adults.

Later that evening I receive a message from. Rachael! A welcome relief after witnessing the mind bending battle of wits between Tom and Jerry. She tells me theres a steampunk event at Harewood House in Leeds and that she has bought tickets. It also falls on Sunday 20th September - her birthday. Hmmm interesting but how do I respond? I consider my options. Tell her I hope she has an amazing time at Harewood House Ask her if she’s thinking of buying Harewood House! Send her a boomerang and wish her many happy returns. Ask if she wants picking up or if she’s already made arrangements to check out the talent. Turns out I didn’t need to respond anyway. She’s way ahead.. “...thats me inviting you !?” Ahah! Mystery solved. I respond immediately saying she can go fly up a rope I’m staying at the farm to weed the garden and help muck out the horses. Yeah right!!!! I tell her I would love to accept!

STEAMPUNK GEAR!! After our chat (or whatever a conversation is called that takes place on messenger) I get to thinking about what to wear. My decision to write instead of make and trade in steampunk accessories means that I have lots of items at my disposal. This could be a good thing - plenty of choice - or a bad thing - too much choice and drive myself bandana’s trying on everything in the wardrobe. This also reminds me that I need to get rid of the stock that is stuffed into various spaces inside Hymie. This isn’t a 6 bedroomed house (although it is a 6 berth motorhome!) I can’t afford to carry passengers. Well you know what I mean.. So I will have to think of the best way to dispose of it eBay, Facebook Marketplace, Have a sale at a steampunk event? I will have to give the matter thought. Lets finish with a fascinating new series which I call...

FAMOUS CRAP HAIRCUTS

No 1: Ray Martin - Presenter of 60 Mins Australia 1979

You wanna know why I chose this one? Because it was exactly how my hair looked just before I left school. Despite my mother telling me over and over again that it didn't suit me I *maintained the style until the age of 18. It was around then that I met a girl called 'Nadia Karen' who was a tiny bit famous when she appeared in a long running advert for Coca-Cola. One evening we were at the High House pub in Rotherham discussing her modelling career. She told me I should apply to the same agency 'Beautiful People' on Pinstone street in Sheffield (that's another story!) but first I should visit a hairdresser as my current 'style' didn't suit me "your features are too small, you need it shorter and off your face".

That was all it took, the next day I went to the hairdressers - Sweeney's on Bridge-gate in Rotherham. You can take 'went to' in the literal sense in that I went as far as the window where I spent a good 30 minutes 'looking' at the price list, photos of the well groomed and glamorous and walking away from the shop and returning again. Nadia was on her way to meet me - inside the hairdressers - so I needed to pluck up courage quickly. I eventually went in where I was met with a round of applause! "We though you were never going to get through the door!" (The person who spoke was the owner Janet and the person who did my hair was her sister - both of whom I was to run into again in the future' And yes, I admit I did look a lot better.

*Please note that no fertilisers, superglue or chainsaws were used during the writing of this article. .