Duff!

*Contains adult themes and material which some people may find offensive*

Date: Wednesday 4th December 2019

Location: Lincoln

Specifically: Swanholme Tavern

Exciting stuff! Today - this very evening in fact - I will be travelling to Lincoln's Swanholme tavern for Christmas dinner with the very delightful steampunk collective...... SPAW! Yay! Now you might be forgiven for thinking this is a grouo of people who would, more than likely, come under the auspices of the CDC or Centre for Disease Control. But, you would be wrong, SPAW actually stands for ‘Steampunks Always Welcome‘ (Though technically that should be SAW but that’s the name of a horror movie franchise and would suggest that the organiser is a serial killer and the members are all trainee axe murderers - although I did hear one member describe himself as a ‘hacker’ so either he has a bad cough or he‘s an escaped lunatic searching for easy victims).

Still like all good stories (especially at Christmas - the season of rejoicing, goodbye to an old year and hello to an empty wallet) lets start at the beginning!

It started like this......

There I was encamped (don't mean I'm gay or nuffin!) in the glorious majestic majesty and magnificence that is Clumber Park which was constructed in a workshop somewhere around Derbyshire - at least thats what the road signs would suggest - were the sign manufacturers able to spell properly that is!

.. when I received a message from good friend, technical wizard and all round genius - Stuart! In it he mentioned going to Lincoln on Wednesday, Curiosity (euphamism for nosy) got the better of me and I asked where he was off to; the “SPAW christmas dinner!” ”Can I come?“ “Of course - just contact Michael (Aha! So that must be the axe wielding nutcase!) to see if they can fit you in and choose what you want from the menu!”

Now this business about a menu when ordering Christmas dinner has always confused me (yes I know, easily done in my case). Confused me because it seems, ultimately, pointless.

Good evening sir, madam are you ready to order?”

“Indeed we are”

“What would you like?”

”Well let me see; I think seeing as its Christmas and seeing as we booked in February for your ‘Traditional juicy & succulent Christmas dinner exquisitely cooked by our 3 Michelin stars master chef - Achmed‘ “I think we’ll both have the traditional Christmas dinner“

Yet I am amazed at what they find to put on these things!!!

Pick up the menu, two foot square, laminated, posh looking Christmassy fonts, covered in images of happy smiling guests tucking into food, quaffing wine and pulling crackers (I should be so lucky). In the midst of all this is the list of mouth watering goodies available. Ooh exciting!!!

MENU

Lincolnshire sausages, served with fries and a pan fried egg.

(as opposed to what? cooking it in a mop bucket over a blast furnace!?)

Chicken served with a selection of country vegetables and sauté potatoes

(But what sorta potatoes are they Hmmm !?)

Vegetarian meat curry .....

Each one of our unique vegetarian meat curries comes with a variety of exquisite mouth watering choices

excluding beef

excluding lamb

excluding prawns

excluding chicken.

For Vegans all the above choices are available but the curry sauce is substituted for a receptacle in which they may add the beverage of their choice (See photo)

Vegan option: Add your beverage of choice

Halal Meat

Please note for those who require Halal meat would you please notify the restaurant two days prior to your booking to give us chance to hose the bathroom down before the chefs wife arrives for her shower.

Nouvelle Cuisine

Half a tomato with sea salt and black pepper garnished with a slice of olive.

Sardine served on a slice of melba toast and garnished with a chopped basil leaf. (Serves x4)

The Imaginarium Platter

A generous sized plate, decorated with a tasteful orange blossom pattern (produced by the award winning local designer Molly Schitatartz), warmed to room temperature and served with a choice of napkins and flatware. Includes complementary glass of water (While stocks last) and prize for whoever imagines the most interesting meal).

..and so we arrived at the Swan Hole Tavern ready for our Christmas meal!

Lovely atmosphere, well attended pleasant congenial people great to see faces old and new. I had ordered fillet steak with Christmas pudding for desert. In the meantime we do what visitors do, chatted, took photographs, pulled on Xmas crackers, quaffed drinks and shared news.....

and then the food arrived

Oh dear...

My starter was an Asparagus parcel - a festive title if nothing else. But thats just it - it was pretty much nothing else. You think I was joking about the nouvelle cuisine ? I was - but only by the narrowest of margins. My ‘parcel’, such as it was, sat staring up at me from a huge (cold!) dinner plate. To give you an idea of size, imagine one of those Chinese Spring rolls; not the ones from the local take-away that are practically a meal in themselves, I mean those things you get from the supermarket in boxes of ten about the size of a packet of headache tablets. Got it? Now take one out, cut it in half and you'll be about right. Pour on a smidgeon of sauce and wallah!! Youve got it! To be fair though it was very tasty but as the lady next to me (Fiona) said, there was no danger of it spoiling your main course.

Ah yes, the main course.

About that....

So.... fillet steak, seasonal vegetables and a mug of chips - thats right, not a bowl or a plate or a dish a mug; those things you drink tea, coffee and spirits out of when all your proper shot glasses had been smashed against the back of the fireplace during the time you once celebrated someones birthday by pretending to be Russian and hopping around the coffee table singing Hava Nagila (I did say ‘pretending to be Russian‘ not that he was any good at it!)

Sitting lost and forlorn like a small pile of grass cuttings cruelly plucked from the ground by a blunt instrument lay, what I assumed to be, the seasonal vegetables. I was uncertain as to why this was listed in the plural until I half heartedly began poking around with my fork. Amidst this freshly (I hoped) cleaved greenery I thought I could see, staring out at me like the small bulbous eyes of a weasel in need of dialysis, something that might possibly be a relative of the vegetable persuasion.”Are you going to eat those baby carrots?” said a voice. “Is that what they are? I asked. I stared down at them again as if expecting them to have put on weight “I think they would be more appropriately described as embryo carrots”.

....and so to my steak. It sounds most immature of me to say so but it really is difficult to describe the tiny shrivelled little object on my plate as anything other than the accidentally severed body part from someone who has undergone surgery by a doctor who put into practice the rather adventurous assertion “why - I could do this procedure blindfold”.

It is quite sad that I should free like this because I could live with chips in mugs (most of mine are like that anyway) and sorry looking vegetables if the steak was of a decent size and weight AND if it was cooked. That old gag about ‘a good vet could bring this back to life again’ nah! he wouldn't need to because it would probably still be running around and baring its teeth at him if he tried to lay a hand on it.

I cut into it and its clearly not cooked, at least its not cooked the way I like it which is well done. I can’t imagine why anyone would want it otherwise but each to their own. I should send it back like one of the other Lincoln members did but I didn’t for two reasons 1) I don’t recall being asked how I wanted the steak cooked so assumed that this is just how they do them here and 2) I just wanted to give it a try - it seemed tender enough when I tried it, plus its the way I cook Ostritch steaks. But it was clearly not served hot enough (a cold plate didn’t help) and pretty soon started to taste like uncooked flesh (which in a manner of speaking it was). It put a damper on what should have been (and was apart from the meal) a very enjoyable evening.

Of course the organisers Michael and Sharon were not going to rest on their (Christmas) laurels. Determined to have a ‘chat’ with the chef about the standard of the food they went in search and found him cowering in the cellar. Here they calmly shared their feelings with him, declared him guilty of serving shite food and promptly pronounced (and administered) judgement taking it in turns to slap him many times about the head with a turkey drumstick

Well it would have been justice of course. In reality there was not a lot they could do - save complaining to the waiter. Michael and Sharon clearly worked really hard to organise the meal, were very welcoming and put a lot of effort into adding special touches like chocolates and crackers and decorations. No matter what people say about the effort they put in they will still feel responsible and doubly disappointed because that's how decent people are.

Goodnight

Sharon and Michael (foreground) Seconds before cornering the chef and sharing their feelings about the meal with him.

Two of the guests huddling together for warmth after coming into contact with the cold plates.