Mmph!!!

captainvictoriesbigsteampunkadventure.com

Apr 23, 20206 min read

Updated: Sep 25, 2020

Contains adult themes and material which some people may find offensive

Date: Thursday 23rd April 2020

Quarantine: Day

Location: In front of computer screen! You thought maybe I was typing in the desert!

Specifically: Combined exercise/essential shopping trip to Aldi via the crystal clear life giving waters of the Calderdale Navigation Canal.

VR: Disappearing amidst a sea of fractals, psychotic beings with artificial intelligence, rioting technology and general assorted crap whose only merit is the novelty of VR, beautiful girls and the paper bags they are trying to act their way out of.

We’ll start at the beginning. Last night actually since I didn’t upload a post for yesterday. Alex - Kudos to his dry sense of humour, modest outlook and ability to honk at both ends at will - it turns out is quite the perfect host. Following his accidentally successful attempt a few days ago at baking potatoes in an old spin dryer (the one that his accounts were in?? Yep the very same, don’t ask) we decide to have a barbeque. Conditions are not the best; the temperature is quite cool, there's a breeze blowing and a nearby neighbour had the washing out - a recipe for singed bed sheets, smoky drawers and stinky laundry.

Nevertheless he wanders off in the afternoon to go ‘chumping’ or collecting wood for a fire. It seems that no sooner has he gone out the door than he’s back through it again. I was about to ask if he had had an accident on the way to the woods (wouldn’t be surprised given the amount of methane he gives off) when I notice he’s carrying two large bags filled with kindling.

”That was quick” I say “did you get lucky?”. Turns out that while meandering around he came across a couple of bags filled with dry wood. “Looks like someone else has been out chumping and left their bags behind. Hope they don‘t come back for them“ He doesn’t look

like he would lose much sleep if ’they’ did come back for them. He takes the bags out back and gets the fire started.

Conscious of Rachael’s fitness regime and of my need to start one I feel a surge of guilt on looking down at my plate of cooked sausages, breadcakes (don’t give me any of this; bap, roll, bun or barmcake shit!!) and sorted potatoes (as in sorted that is, into; edible, ruined and ’burned to shitl). To show her I'm conscious of what I put in my stomach I send her a 'meal selfie' and label it so that she can see the different types of salad I'm using!

Here...judge for yourself.

Success - just as I’m typing I hear from Rachael! She’s added a laughter emoji to the picture. I tell her that I thought I had her fooled especially as the food was labelled appropriately but no. She responds with “I spy a naughty meal” Eek!! Moving on......

All ready for my combined walk/shopping trip to the bay of Aldi (Important to see the beauty in everything at the moment). I have my shopping list, four oranges to fulfil four of my five a month obligation or something and my face mask in case I hold anyone up!

STEAMPUNK PERSONALITIES

No 1: DAVE STEPHENSON

There are certain people within the steampunk community who seem to attend every event there is, even when several are going on at the same time (and even when there is no event going on at all!).

One such person is the ubiquitous Dave Stephenson - easily recognisable by his exquisitely designed hats, unique style of clothing and genial manner“

But the big question is how does he do it? How does this charming, unassuming and most amiable of chaps manage to be in so many places at once? The answer, I can reveal to you today, following much painstaking research and investigation involving dangers such as; babysitting to earn extra cash, interviewing teenagers (which takes more protection than a *face mask I can tell you) and staying up past my bedtime, is that he moves between events using a teleportation device!

* Never understood why they’re called face masks - seems a waste of a good word to me, one that could be made better use of elsewhere e.g ‘about face!’, ‘face the front” or “by the great tentacles of Chutulu thy wretched face doth resemble an arse’

Gasp

No surprise when you think about it. Didn’t you ever wonder where his hats and outfits come from? Have you ever asked? Try it and see what happens. You’ll get an answer but it won’t lead you anywhere. I can tell you that his wardrobe is not filled with anything from this country!

Very big gasps and lots of them!

It is not filled with anything from this world!

A 1000 gasps!

It is not even filled with anything from this time!

A million gasps!

(no I don’t know how to write a million in numbers now f**k off I’m trying to write!

Yes, true as I’m sitting here having tea with Obi Wan Kenobi at lego village Dave gets his stuff from a distant planet far off in the future.

- as you may be aware I do a regular blog. I don’t include anyone without permission not filled with anything from this country!

Very big gasps and lots of them!

It is not filled with anything from this world!

A 1000 gasps!

It is not even filled with anything from this time!

A million gasps!

(no I don’t know how to write a million in numbers now f**k off I’m trying to write!

Yes, true as I’m sitting here having tea with Obi Wan Kenobi at lego village, Dave gets his stuff from a distant planet far off in the future. You want further evidence? Bloody septics!!!

CORONAVIRUS: MORE ON THOSE BLOODY FACE MASKS!

After all this Coronavirus shit has died down I wonder what will be voted the most talked about aspect of it? social distancing, self-isolation, staying in, Quarantine etc whatever I'm betting those face masks will feature high on the list.

"uh oh - I interrupt this blog to bring you a domestic crisis. A couple (I presume) are going at it hammer and tongs out outside. Curious as to what it's about though as all I can hear is "fire bucket' 'smoke and "now look what's bloody happened "yeah I'm sorry about that" Best guess - they were going at it like a couple of rabbits given that there's not much else to do anyway and his rubber 'ribbed and shaped for extra sensitivity' condominion caught fire and burst. Any other ideas feel free to message - we can have group activity!!.

So ....... face masks. I've spoken quite a lot about these things myself but therein lies the problem. You can't talk and wear a face mask at the same time - at least not without a muffled voice. Since this quaurantine is set to continue for the foreseeable future I think it's important to have a face mask language class. In this way we can all become fluent in what is rapidly becoming known as 'Heavy Breathing' language. Here's a few of the most common examples examples to start with then, if you wish to take things further you can purchase the full downloadable course from ourselves! Have fun!

Mask Wearer: "Sqeeeeeeeeeeeee ooh ooh ooh bloody fuck"

English: "Excuse me but I seem to have caught my testicles in your roof garden

Mask Wearer: "Mmph mmmmm hmphhhhh ewwwwww"

English: "Good morning I wish to purchase a brace of eels?"

Mask Wearer: "Mmph mmph pffffffffft fuffff Phew Christ mmmph mmmmmm OFF!"

"Repair speedily unto the exit , for thy behind is giving off a most foul stench"

Mask Wearer: "arghhhhh ffffffff kin 'ell"

English: "My socks have accidentally fallen into the soup"

Mask Wearer: "Mmph Mmph Tuuurttlez ed!!!!"

English: "Do you have any toilet rolls?"

Mask Wearer: "ooorrrrrrr de dooo dee !!! flap flap flap"

English: "Good morning, I wish to purchase a wig"

Mask Wearer: "Mmmmmm wheeee hoooo !!! Pwa ha ha ha ha"

English: "

FIREWORKS

Unbelievable! There I am, minding other people's business when all of a suddenty my ears are assaulted by the most dreadful racket; bangs, explosions, vibrations tearing through the ground, a succession of mighty 'crumping' sounds like a battery of depth charges being unleashed.

Cars backfiring? Customised exhausts? Anti-social thugs letting off fireworks? Who knows but the constabulary should be dealing with this nonsense. For goodness sake people aren’t even suppose to be out.

And what happens? I ring the police. Not only am I told that they are not going to send anyone to investigate but that they are making lots of noise themselves, having a few beers and if I can’t beat them I should join them!!! To add insult to injury I could have sworn I heard what sounded like "kin miserable old b*****d" being muttered under someone's breath.

No wonder everyone thinks the world is going bloody mad.! 🤬🤬🤬🤬

Thursday 23rd April 2020. 8.00 p.m

FACEBOOK HUMOUR

Saving the best 'til last!

Well!! - Now wot yer lookin' for? the best bit will be up last! which means it's right at the end innit! (Jeez!)

But - here's some goodies to be getting on with!