WARNING: DEALS WITH ADULT THEMES AND CONTAINS MATERIAL WHICH MAY CAUSE SOME PEOPLE TO THROW THINGS.
Date: Mon 25th Jan 21
Location: Somewhere not very far from Wales.
Specifically: Somewhere not very far from Wales but slightly further than the not very far from Wales in the previous sentence.
Mood: You don’t want to know but it involves broken furniture.
RATS
Oh dear, seems I’m not the only one who’s had trouble with little visitors, and I’m not talking about elves, gremlins or gings that bo gump in the night. My friend, Cantilopia-Shakebutt Beli-Wiggla (name altered ‘cos she finds her own a bit embarrassing) messages me to say...
“I've got a rat and a baby in my garden shed. Do you think I'm mad coz I don't want to kill them?”
I reply saying...
“Not at all I know exactly where you’re coming from. Rats are vermin which is why most people want to kill them.”
“You on the other hand enjoy the company of rats and wish to have them running all over your house - infecting your food, causing damage to the property, trying to murder you in your sleep, shitting all over the place and breeding their vermin laden offspring at such an exponential rate that you will have to sleep outside in a tent just to survive. Sound good!?”
“A baby on the other hand is a different matter altogether. At birth hospitals keep them in incubators to make sure they’re fit and healthy before allowing them home. As such people tend to be very protective towards them, Therefore you may find they take issue if you start setting traps for it. Best bet is to give it a saucer of milk and ring the nearest hospital maternity unit or leave it on the steps of a nunnery and run off.”
I express surprise when she messages back to say...
“After doing some research its not a good idea to just hope the rat will go away by itself therefore I'm going to try a few repellent tactics”.
My instinctive response is....
“Repellant!!! As in exterminate! You heartless brute! No wonder you sound like a relative of the Dalek clan! Perhaps you’d like to jump in a litter bin with a rat poison coated bath plunger attached, then run into your shed saying “exterminate” in a clanky robotic voice.
Oh dear, shame on me. Cantilopia (titter) needs my help so I really should take her more seriously. I message her back to say
“Done a bit of work on rat repellants so hope one of these will be OK.”
With that, I attach a few images of suitable tools I have discovered which should help her get rid of rodents.
RATS TO ROBINS
FINALLY I HAVE BEEN ABLE TO SHOOT A ROBIN!!!
..... after months of watching, waiting and endless patience. I have finally captured a robin on a pole before it disappeared!
CONVERSATIONS WITH ALEX
It’s late afternoon and I have yet to receive a message from my chum. I decide to give him a bit of a prod...
“Wake up you dozy arse you can’t possibly be doing anything. Meanwhile heres a photo of a rather nice hedge I wandered past the other day while in search of somewhere to point Percy.”
As usual I receive no thanks for my concern but he does send this...
“I've just been on a twelve mile walk actually.”
“I would not be boasting about half a dozen steps if I were you”.
“Er...”
He doesn’t get it. I need to explain further
“Height? Size? Length of stride”
He sends a couple of photos as proof
“My goodness! I stand corrected. Two photos of absolute proof of where you have been for most of today. In that case I feel I must share with you where I have been also!”
“Blimey. Is that one of the Elsmere walks? I'll have to come next time.”
“What??? Er....... yes. I’ll take you to it as soon as you arrive on the 32nd January! After we’ve had tea and dined on Dragonlance pie!”
“......... would you still be impressed if I said the walk was actually only 10.5 miles? I miscalculated.”
“.......... I’m devastated that you would lie to me about the distance you walked. What a foul and disgusting thing to do to someone whom you call a friend! You are evil personified! And be warned that this sort of despicable behaviour will surely escalate! Today lies, tomorrow, armed robbery the day after, murder and the day after that an accusation of causing widespread panic when you are witnessed parting with some of your cash”
“I accidentally added the extra mile and a half by including the bit where I chased after some girl I fancied and chucked her down a reservoir overflow. That technically wasn't part of the walk. My bad.”
“Well why didn’t you say? If I’d known you’d had to suffer an ordeal like that I wouldn’t have made a fuss about 1.5 miles. Please forgive my stupidity and lack of understanding. I’ll know better in future.”
“Let's put it down to a misunderstanding. No harm has come from it and just remember that some young lady got to take a trip headfirst straight down a reservoir overflow. So it turned out OK in the end.”
“Yes quite but knowing you I bet you provided the service for free. Its not everyday that someone gets treated to this level of kindness by the great Alex! Most people have to chuck themselves into the overflow. Please tell me that she at least rewarded you in some way!”
“Well I've not heard from her since. But it was only yesterday so I assume I'll get a letter of thanks through the post from her tomorrow.”
“I’m sure you will, she’s bound to do something to show her gratitude. Besides she’ll want to make sure her friends can avail themselves of your services.”
“Well fine but I'm not going all that way every day for nothing. They'll be expected to pay which is fine surely?”
“You may assume it is. But don’t worry they are bound to want to make up for their ungrateful and tight fisted friend.”
INDOOR BARBECUE
So here’s the problem. Everyone loves a good barbecue right? Even if you’re on a special diet, watching the calories or just one of those funny veggie people that only eats fish and chicken. Wanna know why they only eat fish and chicken? Because they depart this earth humanely innit.
Take fish. You might think that they’re happiest swimming around in water where they have access to an abundant food supply, lots of little fishy friends, pleasant scenery and somewhere to poo. Not a bit of it. What they really dream about is that one day someone will force a steel barb into their mouths and drag them back and forth through the water while they try to get free. Oooh so exciting! And such a change from the usual routine! Best of all is, they don’t feel a thing! (Not that anyone’s bothered to check) Even when the barb is forced from their jaws, they are gasping for breath and their giblets are slit from their bodies while they are still alive! Yay!!!
This same bunch of vegetarians also eat chicken which has been waiting for the day someone slashes its throat or strangles it to death! Do ‘t worry though, same thing applies as to fish, they love it. you can tell by the big smile on the birds faces on the packaging. Still best move on eh?
Sorry, I went a bit Hyde Park Corner there but I’m OK now. So, where was I? Ah yes, barbecues.
As I was saying, everyone loves barbecues, and it really doesn’t matter what your eating habits are, there’s usually something for everyone. But here’s the big problem, barbecues are summer things, a but if a change from the usual type of food consumption. It’s a custom that brings family, friends, colleagues and communities together. There’s just something about the sight of burning animal flesh that people love. Maybe it’s reflecting on how it arrives to the shops. No mystery really. Some meet their maker by having high powered bolts fired into their skulls, others having their throats cut while being hung upside down or crushed alive so that civilised humans might enjoy a sausage sandwich or a nice beef-burger. Oh sorry there I go again, getting on my high pig ( I don’t see why horses should get all the glory) last time I promise.
But the problem is what do we do when we crave a barbecue in winter? Until now we have avoided it, put it out of our minds because no one wants to stand outside in sub zero temperatures waiting for some purple faced pensioner to serve them a sacrificial sliver of veal (which was killed as a baby you murdering swines!!! cough ....... ahem ........ oops) on a bread bun.
Now the problem has been solved! And the solution is so simple you will kick yourself. Simply take your barbecue indoors where it’s warm and dry, and where there is a refrigerator to keep the barbecue meat to be consumed by murdering meat eaters who enjoy stuffing themselves with DEAD animals while the dribbling juices of death pour down their fat beer soaked faces! “Sorry, sorry, yes I’m alright now thank you”.
So whats the procedure for an indoor barbecue?
Firstly make sure your guests are in one place i.e usually the living room.
Ensure they are given a drink of some kind. (“Heavens Gate had the right idea if you want my advice!! - just sayin.....er....... carry on”) This will help break the ice and get people talking)
Now the crucial part. Use a traditional barbecue, one that uses lighted charcol not the gas fired ones (this is not the Queen’s garden party you know). Now simply chuck on the charcoal, add a good slosh of barbecue lighting fuel and get cooking!
Ooh sorry one final thing about indoor barbecues!! There’s always a chance that they might get a little out of control, but y’know, way I see it is that everyone will have a had great time and an evening they’ll never forget!
Next week! Attic rock climbing and bathroom deep sea fishing.
CROW PECKED
It is no fun being in a virtual world, where you are being pecked to death by giant vampire crows, when in the midst of it, a large bird starts pecking loudly on the window! F**k! Never have I removed a VR headset as fast as I removed one last night!
BLOODY DISRESPECTFUL CAR OWNERS!
Words fail me! I was walking past a car park yesterday when I spotted, of all things, a car parked in the space I like to use when I go shopping. This person had even had the audacity to purchase a ticket and shamelessly display it on the windscreen! Not only that but this scoundrel had even ignored the 15’ height restriction!!!
While I was peering through the windscreen (with the palm of my hand covering my eyes so that I might enjoy a better view) I became aware of a voice behind me saying “can I help you?” The vehicle’s owner stood there with a coffee in one hand and a sandwich in the other! I asked him “What do you think you’re doing parking here?”
The unspeakable devil then had the cheek to say casually “Well I plan to have a quick bite to eat, dispense of any litter in one of the bins outside the store then get my shopping.” Well, I almost lost the power of speech I was so angry! I told him that he had no right to park here and to move immediately or I would be making an issue of it.
The brazen swine then calmly got into his vehicle, turned on the radio and sat there eating his lunch and reading his paper! He appeared not to care whether people saw see him or not. I really have had it with these bloody people thinking they can do exactly what they please. I will be contacting my MP about this I can tell you!
PLAYING WITH YOURSELF
I was rather surprised when this photo appeared on Facebook. It was posted by my friend Karen who said..
“I grew up in the 70s”
...and asked...
“Who played with clackers?”
Well I was stunned. I didn’t think Facebook allowed that sort of thing!
“What? I did, but how did you know? My hands were under the desk when I was playing with mine. Anyway you shouldn’t be asking these questions I think its rather personal, go on off with you, shoo etc” I’ve gone all red now 🥺)
FACEBOOK: MAKING THE RULES CLEAR
Although gazillions of people use Facebook it is a fact that many people find the rules somewhat confusing. Today I will take the opportunity to explain those rules in terms that anyone can understand. I will start with racism since it is frequently the cause of much controversy.
RULES
It’s OK to be a blatantly racist bigot but avoid incendiary topics which are likely to cause fighting in the streets, spark flash riots and get you a three year ban on Facebook.
Things to avoid....
Jelly babies (especially black ones)
The words to ‘Ba Ba Black Sheep’
Using the word ‘black’ as in “My favourite colour is - - - - - “, “- - - - - grapes are my favourites” and Give me a - - - - - vibrator any day of the week”
Any sentence using the phrase “I would send them back” (Careful you online shoppers!)
Bananas
Stick to safe comments such as...
“Get out of my face you honky t**t”
“G’day yer pommie bastard”
“I’ll show these sausage noshers a thing or two”
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