Date: Sat 20th Feb 2021
Location: Huddersfield
Specifically: Milnsbridge
Time: 06:30 am
Feels like 02:30 am
I wake to the cry of seagulls flying overhead (although I guess they could be elsewhere and throwing their voice) which is not what I expected in the middle of a Huddersfield suburb outside a supermarket pandering to the needs of the thrifty, the mean and the financially challenged.
I pull the blind down a touch and take a look outside. A combination of lights on the horizon coupled with a gentle rocking motion caused by the wind, is enough to convince me that Hymie and me have been cast adrift on the ocean during the night and are now watching helplessly as the harbour lights fade into the distance.
A big yawn followed by a quick rubbing of my eyes tells I’m no more at sea than I would be if I was parked on a building site. The ‘harbour lights’ are simply part of Aldi’s perimeter security, the gentle bobbing up and down, nothing more than the rocking motion caused by an early morning breeze.
Despite an ill timed warning from Alex to “fuck off from there, it’s a bit of a dodgy spot” just as I’ve tucked myself in, it looks like I’m still alive to fight another day,
The last couple of days have been a bit of a struggle. I miss Rachael if I’m honest. It seems months since I last heard from her, and yet, it was only Wednesday (assuming four pictures of some DIY disaster followed by “oops” may be classed as such).
“You’re a little bit in love with her” one of my friends informed me recently after she had read ‘My Diminutive Dynamo’ a short story about Rachaels journey to lose weight and improve her self-image. It wasn’t a question. I made a half hearted attempt at convincing her that this was not the case but I was only fooling myself.
Having said that, it wasn’t causing major problems, I was way to old for Rachael even if she was free physically and emotionally (which she wasn’t) and I most certainly wanted to avoid intimate relationships. But it did mean that I looked forward to hearing from her with a little more enthusiasm than was probably healthy. They are feelings that will fade in time of course, but this has gone on quite long enough - time for some urgent action.
My ‘iffy relationship antennae’ shows me the way forward. I will never be able to look at Rachael and her actions objectively unless I have got my feelings for her out of the way. The only way I’m able to do this is to severe ties completely. It’s something I’m reluctant to do, - throwing the baby out with the bath water ‘n all that - but Rachael’s lack of contact shows me a way, cease contact until my feelings have dissipated. Should she get in touch then I need to exercise some restraint. Cartwheeling around Hymie everytime she messages is both unadvisable and dangerous.
I have never been good at showing restraint in a relationship, in fact I’ve never been good at restraining my emotions at the best of times (unless it’s related to conflict that is - I don’t want you thinking that the moment anyone gives me grief I go “Yaghhhhhhhhhh!” and set about them with blunt/sharp or spiky objects!).
Typical example (and I hope you value my sharing this because it’s soooo embarrassing). Julie (first proper girlfriend) ended our relationship after a few months but then thought better of it. She came to my house with a friend just as I was returning from a walk. “JULIE!!” I shouted and ran towards her in a series of strides so long that, had they been taken by Jack Trott, not only would he have reached the bottom of his beanstalk long before the giant, but cut it down, diced it and spiced it and fed the villagers a hearty bean soup.
I think that right there in that moment I ruined any chance of a successful reconciliation. At the sight of me running and shouting Julies face registered the kind of look one might have on opening your eyes after a nap just in time to see an egg on a collision course with your face.
CONVERSATIONS WITH ALEX
I need a favour from my chum. So I better be respectful and mind my manners....
“Good morning dimwit. Bit of a fuck up with returning the shitty death trap gas fire. Have been offerred collection instead. Arranged for Wed 24th Feb (no idea what time though). Given your address so if its a problem you may tell me to go fuck myself.”
“Is this where you mean?”
Luckily his response is equally courteous...
“That's the place. Wed is fine. Scrotum.”
“Fuckwit”
“Eh?”
“I said I’ll nip round in a bit. Oaf”
“I beg your pardon?”
“I said I’m off to get a loaf. Is it too soon to pop round or shall I leave you alone for a few months?
“I’m sorry I could have sworn you called me an ‘oaf’ please forgive me for doubting you. Just gimme an hour or so colonel. Am just fighting off a stupid hangover. I only had 4 cans and a bit of wine. Go and drive into the canal and by the time you've floated to my area I'll have the kettle on for you.”
“Good heavens that’s amazing! I take back all I said about you being a crappy host. Ahem..... Why I do appear to be drowning. Can’t be anything to do with driving into the canal surely?”
“Nothing to worry about I can assure you, that’s meant to happen. Once you're trapped under the water, a snorkel will appear out of nowhere.”
“Good heavens! I am sooo impressed! You really have incredible ways of summoning assistance. A snorkel eh??? Er.... will it be long? Only my face is going blue.”
“Yes. They don't actually appear until you're unconscious, apparently it's more relaxing for you. So just go with it and all will work out innit.”
“Well I am relieved to hear that I can tell you. I thought you were trying to send me to a girly cave. But then I felt ashamed of myself for doubting you” ☹️
“You kept the faith in the end though. That's what matters. Where are you atm?”
“Doon the *4 Horseshoes. Looks OK so far. Goat”
*pub on Market Street that lies directly opposite Tanyard Road leading to The River Colne.
While reclining in Hymie, I notice an undesirable looking character a few yards up ahead. He’s blocking the entrance to the river. I assumed he was texting, but if that’s the case he’s taking his time about it. Fortunately no one has had to dance past him to get in or out. I express my concern .....
“I know this is a shit pic (deleted by mistake!) but does he look like anyone you know about? He’s been hanging around for a while. Looks a shifty b*****d.” Been stood 20 mins right in the entrance to the canal.
As per usual Alex senses my concern and helpfully shares his thoughts....
“Looks like he's trying to hide his bald heed.”
CAPTAIN VICTORY’S TIPS
Struggling with driving, thanks to that dazzling winter sunshine? Constantly faffing about with the overhead shades in order to see better? Well fret no longer! Simply stop your moho and pull down ALL the blinds in your motorhome! Taa Dahh! You will now be able to continue your journey without interference from that nasty glaring sun!!
Today we recived this heartfelt plea from Tommy Smelt of Wolverhampton....
“Help! My brand new motorhome has ground to a halt on a road that is now under 6’ of snow! Looks like my clutch is burned out, my gears are knackered and the engine has frozen solid. I’m in danger of dying from hypothermia! Can you help me Captain Victory???“
No
THE GREAT TOAST MYSTERY
I’ll swear that Alex was born with special abilities. Because, trust me on this, there is nothing, I’ll say that again, NOTHING you can do in his house that he will not find out about. Doesn’t matter whether he’s at home, out walking the country lanes or many miles away in some corner of a foreign field that causes the locals to make little twirling movements at the side of their head with their index finger.
“Did you enjoy your cup of tea?”
“Eh?? ”I always count my T Bags before I go out?”
“Did you leave me any biscuits?”
“What? But how.....er..”
“Because you’ve got crumbs round your mouth”
“In future, if you need a shower will you bring your own towel”
“But how on earth did y......”
“Because the shower curtain is outside the bath. I always put it inside”
....and so the list goes on. This evening it was toast. Alex had popped in the shower. I hadn’t eaten since lunchtime and was starving. “Do you mind if I make a drink?” I shouted through the bathroom door. “It’s fine” but in the kitchen I was beckoned by half a loaf of bread. “Psssst! Hey you! Yes you. Don’t wander around the kitchen with your tum growling away like that and looking like a recently self-liberated ascetic. Have a couple of slices of me. I am sooo delicious, especially after a few minutes in the toaster.
Well, I should have asked Alex but I didn’t have the heart. I didn’t want him to think I was taking advantage (yes, yes I know, the irony right?) So I followed the toasters instructions to pop a couple of slices of bread into greedy jaws and went off in search of the margarine.
Something else you need to know about our hero. You know how when you write out a shopping list, you include, not just items you have run out of or want but items you are close to running out of like kitchen roll, toilet paper, bread, tea, milk and so on?
Alex regards this as piffle - a pointless exercise in wasting time and money. Why buy something when there’s still a bit left? Or replace something that still, (sort of) works? You can squeeze hot water out of the boiler by turning the heating up manually and hitting the pilot light knob with a spoon, so what if the car only turns left, it turns right when the engine warms up, the soap may be down to the size of a guitar plectrum, but it’s still useable and the margarine doesn't contain enough to cover a cigarette paper but I can squeeze a few days out of it yet.
Finally I go for ‘bugger it’ I should get away with (the bread!) and I’ll be very careful with the margarine! Job done. Alex appears from his shower and says “Is it true that toadt will fill you up if youre feeling hungry at bedtime?“ Unbelievable! I got rid of the evidence! “How did you know about the toast?” “I can smell it”
Comentarios