A walk in the park..

*Contains adult themes and material which some people may find offensive*

Date: Saturday 30th November 2019

Location: Nottingham

Specifically: Clumber Park Camping and Caravan Site - except camping isn’t allowed ?

Woke this morning almost at the time I intended (7.30 am and thank you for asking) 9.30 a.m. Got out of bed - new location - the bed above the cab which just pulls down from the roof. Great fun, very cosy and even has a (sort of) back rest - if you don’t mind sharing the space with a frame made from tubular steel!

Well, I say got out of bed but to be Frank (just a saying - I’m not a transsexual or anything) it was so bloody freezing I was like a block of ice. I should have just rolled over and slid down the steps (YES! there are actual steps!!).

Cooked a nice dinner last night (dunno why I would assume you’d be interested in this but I’ve already written it so yer can sling yer ‘ook if you think I’m deleting it now) chicken with new potatoes and spinach (My friend Stephanie - fitness freak, pole dancer and general lunatic - would approve of at least half of that!).

If you’re interested - “oh you’re not, well tough shit because you’re getting it anyway - last night I could have had fish n chips! (yay......) . Seems to be a common thing at caravan sites - those who are too idle to cook, want a break from it or just fancy fish and chips tootle of to reception and put their order in.

Come 6.00 p.m or something (yes of course on the same evening! - Why do I have to deal with such smart arses!?) someone who works for the caravan site nips down the chippy and stands in the queue. Now this is the bit I would love to see.

“what can I get you love?“

”two lots of chips please”

”salt and vinegar?“

”yes please”

”there you go love that will be sixpence please (or at least it was when my mother was a girl) quick adjustment in time - “that will be seventeen quid love“

”Eh! But they were only £2 last week!”

”aye well - got to keep pace with the times, inflation you see”

“But, er....

“NEXT!“

“Double Cod with chips love please”

”we don’t have any Siamese fish love, you OK with two separate ones?” Only joking - got to these days aven‘t yer“ NEXT!”

“Fish n chips 147 times please”

”Come again”

”Fish n chips 147 times please, 123 lots of mushy peas, (and No!!! I don’t want bloody baked beans with them before you ask!”), 23 lots of chips n gravy, 9 pickled eggs, 4 gherkins a pineapple ring (watching the weight see)

“be ready about 2.00 a.m love - anything else?“

Well I‘m not sure if this is precisely how it works or not but while trading at Critch Tram museum a few weeks ago a guy in the local chip shop told me this is what actually happens! Why not a curry run? Chinese run? or even an Easter Egg run (I’m sure there’s plenty of shops got them in stock by now - there’s only about four months to go!

Time to haul ass! My friend Connie (Sis - as in honorary sister not a biological one) is coming over from Nottingham so we can go for a walk in “Clumsy Park!”

Rain check!!!

Not happening. 🥺 My poor sis is a keen dancer and last night as she was leaving the dance venue she had a really nasty fall. She now needs to rest up. Fortunately it’s the weekend so she doesn’t have to rush around (at least I hope she doesn’t).

My poor sis’s hands after her fall! 🥺

On a more cheerful note, not to mention a highly mysterious one is the above photo. You have probably been so filled with sympathy for Connie that you didn’t notice the subject matter - two hands! See where I’m going with this?

”get on with it you boring tit!”

“Who took the photo?”

”eh?”

”her husband, partner, BF?”

“er....?”

”None of the above - believe it or not this is a selfie”

”well fancy”

”Aye - but do you want to know how she did it?”

”aye!”

“she did it by levitation” “Woah” I said (because I was currently on horseback) tell me more ...”

“I can do better she said and with that showed me both her hands and her mobile suspended above and just In front of her head.

”Well that sure is impr....... hang on

“what?“

”is that a drawing pin in the ceiling?”

”er...it’s just a spider”

“there also seems to be a wire hanging from it?”

”just the spiders web”

” really? But your mobile appears to be suspended by it.

“er nope it’s definitely holding its own up there - hovering away, er on its own like..,

“You’re cheating aren’t you?

eh? er no, how could you think that “ooh look at the time - sorry Bruv got to go bad connection or something“ “g’bye”

Plan B

(Which is not the title of a new science fiction movie).

Will have lunch first then go for a walk by myself. Might as well try out my new camera while I’m at it but don’t say anything to Stephanie - she’s supposed to be the one who’s christening it! So all sounds good. What could possibly go wrong!? Just a walk in the park eh?

More on my return ...

Had to say it didn’t I? Had to ask “what could possibly go wrong?”. How many of you were just thinking “you’ve done it now - shouldn’t go around giving the fates the finger - they’re not to be trifled with. Leave those cosmic comedians alone and they will leave you alone - assuming the occasion suits them that is, otherwise you can go fuck your self.

Despite all this I actually got off to a good start, little recce of the moho park, see what they got by way of facilitation’s - shower, toilet, drinking water, aerated water, chemical waste dump (caravan speak for somewhere to chuck your shit) with the regulation little sign that says ‘No paper towels, nappies or big lumps’ well OK I threw in the last part but only because, despite the parks responsibility for refuse collection, they still like to pretend that no one has an arsehole (well maybe a couple of my friends do because they’re still married to them but other than that......

Following this it was off into the big wide world of Clumber Park to enjoy the scenery, fresh air, country villages and the frequent wafting fragrance of cow shit - even though they’re aren’t actually many cows in ‘Clumber Park’ (only saw three the whole time I was there).

Now, before anyone says anything about the presence or otherwise of entities of the bovine persuasion in and around Clumber Park let me explain to you a little known fact about agricultural wildlife and it’s related animals. So you are perhaps familiar with the vomit rule - vomit always contains carrots, it doesn’t matter if you have led a totally carrot free existence, there they bloody well all. See where I’m going with this? No? Well same goes for yer cows innit and their related fragrance - don’t matter if the area you’re in has had a totally cow free existence, the countryside will always reek of cow shit.

I continue with my walk. Take lots of photos - photos of; animals, birds, trees reflecting in the water, mist rising upwards adding a spectacular drama to the landscape, people strolling along just appreciating being with each other and enjoying the scenery. Beautiful

Until I got lost

Anyway - here’s my excuse. Clumber Park has no WiFi signal. I am dependent on WiFi to get from A to B in an area I don’t know. Somewhere along the way I realise I had no idea where I was. Now I’m pretty certain that someone somewhere is going to say, I should have pressed this or that button, downloaded such and such an app, or contacted a forum of some sort. Whatever they might say or suggest the point is I got lost. No sense trying to put gloss on it.

It’s at this point that I realised just how huge Clumber Park actually is. I suppose having a car to drive for pretty much all of your adult life gives you something of a distorted perspective on distance. It doesn’t prepare you for the reality of being trapped in a desert of foliage in a dense fog with the light rapidly fading into blackness.

Walking back from somewhere when you know the direction your heading in is bad enough but being lost not knowing whether you are getting closer or further away from where your destination is soul destroying and, if I’m honest, a bit frightening.

I imagined myself as a creature the size of a grain of sand, so tiny and insignificant that even several hours of walking amounted to no distance of any importance. I didn’t even know this country had roads like this - roads that just go on and on and on

I wondered what the road on which I currently walked would be like when seen from space - did it actually go anywhere? or was it just a big loop going all the way round the earth with no destination in any direction?

Out of desperation I kept trying the sat-nav despite the ubiquitous ‘No WiFi’ reminder . Very strange app or should I say very strange area that doesn’t allow mobile phone signals in the entire area.