Contains adult themes and material which some people may find offensive
Date: Wednesday 17th June 2020
Location: Rotherham
Specifically: Surrounded by bloody weirdos perverts and people making rash assumptions about my life expectancy (All will be explained!)
Real World: Parkgate retail world.
Virtual World:Back at the cinema (*You-Tube VR) watching an amazing short movie about a girl alone on a desolate planet (probably earth) with only a few minutes of oxygen who totters around for a few minutes and then dies. That’s a keeper! NOT! My old mum used to say she could enjoy anything as long as it had a good story. Well no need to disturb your grave for this one mum you’ve not missed anything.
Wisely I switch to ‘Smash Hit’ - the game that involves flying through a surreal landscape while smashing huge chunks of glass! Totally immersive, great fun plus I finally move on from the level 5 I’ve been stuck at for ages and make it to level 8!!! Yay!
*Not as flashy as Amazon Prime cinema with its entrance set in a virtual theme park and see-at-a-glance list of movies in the foyer.
*Very authentic theatre with posh cinema seats, mood lighting, free ice-cream, surround sound and loose women who cavort around on your lap if you get fed up with the movie.
BUT and this a GREAT BIG BUTT (Oops sorry about the extra ’T’) You Tube cinema is basic by VR standards BUT you can alter the screen size AND raise or lower it!!! So if your fancy is to lie back in bed and watch a movie you just adjust the screen so it can be viewed from above. Brilliant feature!
* OK I lied about the free ice-cream.
Bet you’re all impressed eh?
Not really eh? Right.....well er...... best be moving along then,
OMG! Woke at 11.00. That’s as in ... slept until......!! I can’t even pretend I woke at anything like my desired time of 7.30 am and claim that I sort of accidentally fell back to sleep. I check my phone. There’s a message from Steph (been a while) “Sorry i haven’t been in touch for a while - been having a bit of trouble with the old man” (you speak for yourself love).
I message back to say she doesn’t need to apologise because my lazy ass was still in bed! I do make it clear though that I do not require any physical punishment. And absolutely nothing like this.....
“Its OK I didn’t wake up until 11.00 am! Please don’t threaten to punish me by coming round here wearing only a thong, removing all my clothing and spanking my bare bottom with a lubricated leather glove. 🥺”
MOR- - - ONS
Morrisons eh!? Bollox - never mind “more reasons to shop at Morrisons!” (Sang in a dumb pseudo Mexican accent) I can think of one less after todays experience.
Nipped in to get my usual mid week shop (consisting of everything I forgot to buy from my weekend shop because I was too gormless to write a shopping list). Just on my way to pay when this security guard (4.6” and standing away from the door lest he be carried of by a light breeze) asks me “are you checking out?” Eh? Cheeky bastard. I know I’ve got a slight cold but I’m sure I don’t look that bad. I think I might shop at convenience stores now just to spite them!
Actually while shopping In Morons I was rather intrigued to see this notice.
How long has this issue been waiting to get on the political agenda. Way too long is the answer.
Legislation to protect women against domestic violence came into force in the UK with The Domestic Violence, Crime and Victims Act 2004. But women had been campaigning for many years before that. In fact domestic violence was often seen as a joke. I still remember men from my childhood making comments like ...
“violence? [women] love it, they like you to show them who’s boss”
“Kick them up and down stairs a few times. Show them who’s in charge”
“They enjoy it - if they didn’t they’d leave wouldn’t they?”
and the ones I really used to loathe...
“Oh yes he’s very good I only get knocked about on Saturdays when he gets back from the club”
It was hard enough for women to get domestic violence on the political agenda. But it was almost impossible for men. They wouldn’t admit it for a start “what? Tell people my wife knocks me about!? I’d be a laughing stock”.
The heart of the problem was societies perception of women as emotionally dependent creatures who needed men to protect them. “You never hit a woman!” Was the familiar saying of the time. At secondary school there was a girl who made a habit of hitting boys. She would just go up to them and punch and slap them. Boys did nothing. They didn’t know what action to take anyway.
This went on the months. She was told off by a teacher during a chemistry lesson in the days before physics, chemistry and biology were integrated into science. There was even talk of combing physics and art to make a snappy phrase but nothing ever came if it. One day a new boy arrived in class. She tried it with him. He punched her. Was he right to do so? Whatever your view she never did it again.
So lets hope some good comes of this attempt to raise awareness of men who suffer domestic violence.
MOR- - - ONS (Pt 2)
Bloody unbelievable!!! Nip back into ‘Morons’ as I remembered I needed some bin bags and a shovel. Guy at the door gives me a dodgy looking smirk and asks if I would like a pair of rubber gloves and some hand cream!!! Perverts!! F****** perverts the lot of them!!! The fuck is he on!? Does he think I’m practicing social distanced sex or something!?
NOT going back in there!
Next stop. Mananvan (or something)
Matalan!?
Ha! More twat heads per square yard (ooh sorry we talk in meters now we have discovered it can prevent us getting the plague! What a shame they didn’t know about this during the time of the black death) than you can shake your pissing pole at! Now fair do’s I know people will think “bloody hell what a bleedin moaner ( but people who DO know me will think the opposite! Because they know I’n not one to complai..... ah fuck it, not arguin’ man).
I approach the entrance. First thing I see is one of those life size cardboard cuts outs. Like, sometimes they have one of a *police officer which has scared me shitless on many an occassion I can tell you.. Anyway this one looks like a very smart and very capable salesperson (so clearly Matalan must have knicked it from somewhere). “You been here before!?” asks cutout! Hells knickers its a real gadgie!
“Have I been here before!? The fuck kind of question is that? We’re talking Matalan here not the entrance to Scarlett Johannsons knicker cupboard) Isn’t that a bit like having a bouncer outside your bathroom asking the same question?.
To save time I say ‘Yes’ he lets me in, guy behind me is told to stand in a corner. I just have time to hear “but youve just let him in!” as I disappear round the corner to the mens clothing section.
Fast forward....trundle trundle...... shorts, wander around some more...... trundle.... slip on shoes “oh soz did I come within 2 m of you madam well do forgive me you nebulous fuckwit........ look look, reach, fitted double bed sheet.............run, tip toe, stagger......don’t look at me in that tone of voice mate I’m just waiting while someone has decided on which hand santizer to get....... wobble, wobble, mincing steps forward to checkout (Morrisons security man would have been happy).
Here’s where my enjoyable experience goes pear shaped. 12 tills, 12 spaces for 12 sales assistants. How many are there to deal with this queue that snakes around the shop and spills out into the path of the 15.49 train to Baslow. TWO - well one n a bit actually since one of them looks about 6 and weighs half a pound. They aren’t even a fast two! What on earth are they doing? Fuck I’ve seen people on zimmer frames go faster than this! Not going back in there again!
*Little known fact. Did you know that the title of ‘Police Officer’ came about because the constabulary used to nick so many poor people. As you can appreciate these people were so keen to avoid jail that they would beg to be let off - hence the expression “let me go please officer!”
Look who went to work yesterday! Had a successful day, was overjoyed to see her colleagues and thoroughly enjoyed her day!
Hmphhhhh - I’ve suggested she has a lie down until the feeling goes away. I’m worried that if she carries on she’ll be wanting to do 5 whole days next.
Goodnight everyone!
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