*Contains adult themes and material that some people may find offensive*
Date: Friday 4th October 2019
Location: Milnsbridge Huddersfield
Specifically: Me mates oose
Do you ever find yourself waking up at the crack of dawn (despite the musty odour and fragrance of salmon eau de cologne) and just listen to the sounds that surround you ('Surround Sound'?) - the leaves rustling in the trees. the gentle lilt of the autumn breeze as it whispers gently through the nearby woodland, birds twittering, the distant sound of hens clucking and fluttering (got to be careful how you say that), the fading in and out of early morning traffic as people hurry to their workplace. How serene and how lovely.
...and then theres here in the household of my friend Alex! Despite the fact that the door to my room is closed I can hear his friend Colin quite distinctly, adding his own range of sounds to the morning air - honking, hissing, grunting, groaning, roaring - and so on. Of course these sounds would not be complete without a bit of morning breeze yet he delivers quite spectacularly on this front by breaking wind at frequent intervals or to put it in more colloquial (and accurate terms) letting rip with a sequence of trouser ripping farts that - if not filtered by anything less than a pea strainer - would pebble dash an entire house (inside and out). I am baffled by how one man can make all this racket this early in the morning! I send him a message - "Noisy cunt! Get up - you sound like a fucking one man zoo!" Honk, hiss, groan, grunt, moo, oink fuckin 'ell" He replies "working on it".
A momentary silence followed by the padding of feet on the corridor outside my room. I choose that time to look up. Big mistake. I'm just in time to see Alex wandering past with the worse case of builders bottom I have ever seen. "For Gods sake Alex pull your bloody trousers up! Jesus!!! "What the bloody hell?" - "are you on drugs? I shout? He doesn't even pause - "Yes - Crack!" "Theres no answer to that" as the great Eric Morecambe used to say. The bathroom door shuts and I am (for the time being) spared whatever toilet turbulence is going on in there.
Ping!
I love that sound - the one that notifies you of a message - hopefully from a friend and not from someone flogging crap or telling you that your data has been used up or that your most recent Onanistic act of self-abuse involving; rubber gloves, washing up liquid and a couple of chicken fillets has been captured on video and gone viral on You Tube.
I find myself hoping it will be a message from my dear friend Rachael! I am in luck! What a lovely start to the day and a welcome contrast from Mr Animal Bloody Farm. It says "I've really enjoyed reading your blog this morning" Followed by a couple of emojis showing a smiling face and little love hearts! She adds - "I'm going to peruse some more over my lunch". I hope she likes it - it will mean a lot!!
My dear friend Rachael who probably doesn't make animal noises during the night. !!
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