*May contain strong language and material that some people may find offensive!*
Date: Wednesday 26th February 2020
Location: West Kirby, Wirral, Merseyside
Specifically: Looking over the sea which seems to have gotten suspiciously closer since yesterday 👀
Actually woke at a reasonable hour this morning - 8.00 a.m as opposed to 8.00 p.m (well it’s been known to happen). I was looking forward to a leisurely breakfast as opposed to running down the road clutching a boiled egg and a half chewed slice of toast or sat feeling guilty about scoffing a bowl of cereal when I should actually be sticking things together in the hope of creating something that might earn me a few coins.
Noticing only one meagre crust left at the bottom of the bread bin I was about to sling it when I stopped myself! What was I doing!? Can’t throw out food, it might come in for something like toast, a bread pudding or to throw at the head of yet another motorhome moaner complaining about my having the audacity to park Hymie in a legitimate free parking bay (he has to rest sometime after being on his wheels all day).
My second thought was really? A tiny slice of bread with a retail value of .000000000000001p. What am I doing!? I can nip down the road to Morrisons and buy a whole loaf for around a pound! So why does it matter? I looked in my wardrobe and, of the clothing that was in there, I estimate that there was about £600 worth that still had price tags on them and never been worn!
I thought back to mealtimes when I was a boy. If we (my sister and me) so much as dared to leave a morsel of food on our plates my father (twat - more later) was “get that eaten right now, during the war (probably the Crimean) my mother had to queue for hours just to get a morsel of food like that and there were children starving who would have given their eye teeth for the sort of food you take for granted. Get that eaten right now or you'll get it back for your tea and if you don't eat it then you'll get it at breakfast and you’ll keep getting it back until you do eat it.
Anything food related usually came with its own little platitudes - my mother was as bad as my father (twat - more later) in this respect...
Me: Can I have a little more mum?
Dad: What!? More!? Absolutely not, hot buttered toast at breakfast, bread with jam 3 square meals a day we can’t afford such luxuries. Sister and me used to be in hysterics at this - which annoyed him even more.
or....
Me: Can I have a little more mum?
Dad: “My mother used to say, when you feel you can eat just a little more, that’s when you’ve had enough”
Me: She was short of money because your father was a tight arse who short changed her on the housekeeping!
Dad: Don’t you bloody well swear in this house?
and one of mums....
Me: What’s for dinner mum?
Mum: Stare and stand-back, three steps ‘t cellar ‘ed ‘n back”.
I used to think there was actually a meal called ‘stare and stand-back’. Until I eventually caught on and realised it meant we weren't going to find out what we were having until it was on the table.
*MOTION PARALAX OR HOW TO MAKE YOURSELF SEASICK ON DRY LAND.
Here‘s something you can do; how to make yourself seasick on dry land. Sit in your car/van/hearse whatever, relax your eyes and focus on the sea. After a minute or so your vehicle will appear to move forwards. At the same time your stomach will feel like its moving upwards and downwards and from side to side. At this point you will start to feel nauseous and upchuck over the shoes of the nearest pedestrian.
*Motion parallax is a monocular depth cue in which we view objects that are closer to us as moving faster than objects that are further away from us. WILD DAY OUT Well, wild as in wind that is which is still going strong and threatening to blow Hymie into the sea and me inside out. Have to brave it though because I have a list of essentials ......
Duvet
I refuse to spend another night under that twat rag I bought last year. It’s texture is too satiny which means it feel smooth and cold against my skin. Bad enough. But then turn over in bed and the thing bunches up around your ears! CRAP!
I find what I’m looking for in Dr Banana-nose (never get that bloody name right!) a duvet in black and grey with a picture of a giraffe on the front and (this is the important bit!) made of a warmer material than Mr Shit Shiny mentioned above! Cool Beans!! (Kats influence creeping in!)
Hot Water Bottle
I am so not spending one more night shivering under the duvet freezing to death. But where to find a hot water bottle? Search me. I call in charity shops (which seem to take up at least two thirds of the shopping area) no luck, Aldi - “we had some at Christmas opposite the light bulbs but they’ve gone now“ (which probably explains why I can’t see anything).
Some items that I felt might be worth steampunking up
Chest, Pirate ship, locomotive, action figure,
Why not? they aren’t very, big plus they're inexpensive so it can’t hurt to have a go.
Dolls house furniture/Apocalypse type van thing
Not on my shopping list buy could be on Kat’s - she might be able to use them for her mousies!! I take a couple of snaps and send them to her!
Peking nose
No a Peking nose wasn’t on my shopping list either but I got one anyway; two in fact when I looked up from my crafting work to see a couple of senior citizens looking through my windscreen at some of my hats. They could see I’d noticed them and looked away a bit embarrassed. Didn’t stop the gentlemen waving though so I waved back! Why not? People like them I have time for, it’s the moho moaners I can’t stand.
Kat & Mousie
It’s great to have friends who are different; friends who surprise you and friends that make you laugh and I am fortunate in having friends like these. Take Kat for example, among the messages I got from her today one of them almost had me choking with laughter...
“Hi, currently skinning mice. Fancy a walk later?“
How many times would you see those two statements in the same text message?” Kat, bless her, doesn’t get what I’m laughing at; thats one of the reasons why she’s so funny - because she never tries to be, she’s just perfectly happy In her own skin.
Actually I owe it to her to put this in context before people think she’s a trainee werewolf or something. Kat is a taxidermist who uses her skills in her art which she sells at various festivals and events up and down the country. The mice she refers to are purchased from specialist dealers - who sell them as food for reptiles.
MEMORY
Look!! The anniversary of the day I bought my Flat Earth T Shirt!! How cool is that?
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Oh forget it then 🙄
Look what I ordered! Yay
From: The Action Fraud Team <no_reply@actionfraud.police.uk>
Sent: 26 February 2020 12:05
To: David Robinson <dave.5678@hotmail.co.uk>
Subject: ACTION FRAUD REPORT UPDATE
Mr David Robinson
Action Fraud: National Fraud & Cyber Crime Reporting Centre
RE: NFRC
Dear Mr Robinson,
I am sorry to hear you have been a victim of crime. Thank you for taking the time to report to Action Fraud. Your report has been sent to the National Fraud Intelligence Bureau (NFIB) for review.
Experts at the NFIB examine the information you provide. Where possible, the information is also matched against other available data in order to enrich and corroborate the details of the fraud. The NFIB assess whether there are viable lines of enquiry that would enable a law enforcement body, such as the police service, to investigate.
On this occasion, based on the information currently available, it has not been possible to identify a line of enquiry which a law enforcement organisation in the United Kingdom could pursue.
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