Date: Thurs 31st Dec 2020
Location: Doon on the farm!
Specifically: Near Wales
Mood: Do you ever have one of those days where you feel so mad at the whole world that the first person to say ‘Good morning’ will spend the rest of the day wandering around with a spicy polish sausage protruding from each nostril!
Oh God! Here we go again, another episode in a comedy series about times of the year when people do things because ‘it’s expected’. As if it wasn’t bad enough that people go around making themselves skint by buying crap they cant afford with money they dont have for people they can’t stand now here they come with their Happy bleeding New Year, Auld Lang Syne (which is an allusion to old times and not a reference to some pissed up old fart lying comatose at the end of the bar with his head in a bucket of mead) and staggering round to friends houses with a bottle of Tescos £1.99 wine in the belief that it buys them the right to sup their expensive spirits, guzzle Bailey’s like the homeless at a soup kitchen and feed their faces on comestibles so high in calories they would need a crane to remove their suet stuffed carcass’s from the settee. First footing my lilly white posterior, trust me, the only first footing they’ll get from me is the one that goes in their arse on their way out.
Believe it or not the subject of this mini rant was the best part of the day and, had I known about this sooner, I would have taken up refuge under my ‘black panther in 3D’ (no-reference-to any serial killers) comfort blanket and stayed there until tomorrow. Sometimes hindsight is wonderful but ultimately useless, but what do you expect when the literal meaning of the word is ‘to stare intently at a persons arse while trying not to look them in the eye. “Hey what are looking up there for you sick weirdo!?”
So let's begin at the beginning. And when I say beginning, I mean the beginning...
‘And in the beginning God created the heaven and the earth And the earth was without form, and void; and God, realising that this was a bit half assed, especially as he wished to populate it with people, did set about giving substance to the earth. And God said let there be dry ground and lo dry ground appeared. And the lord saw that it was good (apart from the odd design fault like quicksand, deserts and indignant rock). He called the ground land . And so it came to pass that the land became populated by humans, who it was observed did ‘go at it like rabbits’. Then, the Lord said unto no one in particular “take this land which I have created (without food or rest, overtime payments or productivity bonuses) and live good and prosperous lives. Build houses in which to live, grow crops on which to feed and forge weapons to protect thyself from those who wouldst try to pillage from thee, enslave your children and rape thy cattle (you haven’t seen the women!)
And the creation did last for seven days from the 25th of the month of December to the 31st. On the 8th day the lord did take to his bed for he was well knackered and in need of rest and feeling that he might be going down with a virus or something.
On his awakening the Lord was greeted by a lowly serf who said unto him “I’m sorry gaffa but your son Jesus has been sick on the floor after a night out with the lads”. On hearing this the Lord was displeased and said unto the serf “So this is Christs Mess!?” And the serf did sayeth unto the creator “that’s very good boss you can call this period Christmas geddit!? Christ Mess? Christmas?” God was not impressed and threw the serf to the floor saying unto him “go forth into the night and circumcise thyself with a blunt instrument for thy sense of humour doth reek more highly than King Herods cod piece”
Then God spake unto the prophet known as Dylan son of Robert (famous for bothering the almighty by repeatedly knocking on heavens door) in a mighty booming voice (because they were separated by about 20,000 light years), sharing his idea of Christmas saying “let this be a time of rejoicing and the celebration of new beginnings”. Let it also be associated with love, kinship, kindness and the giving and receiving of tokens of goodwill. The Lord also decreed that conflicts between tribespeople should be quickly resolved by peaceful methods like ‘Sitting around the table’ listening to everyones point of view and engaging in meaningful dialogue.
Note..
Sadly things have changed and Christmas is now being celebrated in the manner known as ‘going out on the piss’, indulging in Bar (Mitzvah) snack ceremonies such as ‘The sharing of the crisps’, The Scratchings from the Pork and The salting of the Peanuts. Sadly the notion of resolving issues by meaningful dialogue has now degenerated into more economical methods like The knocking out of the seven bells’, ‘The sticking on of the nut’ and ‘The punching of the face’
Oh dear, my apologies, I’ve really gone off on one there, sorry it’s how my mind works but at least it explains why I’ve fallen out with the festive season.
DISASTERS
If you want to get ahead get a hat goes the saying. Well I would add that if you want to get ahead you won’t be doing much of it if, after you have purchased your moho, you then ignore the manual, fail to keep on top of basic repairs and general maintenance in addition to the usual requirements like servicing, MOT and habitation checks.
Don’t worry I’m not going to go out out on a limb here (besides it would probably snap and deliver me into something, pointy, stinky, sharp, or squishy) and assume you need some patronising rant about motorhome maintenance and repair. No, this is about me I have to own this, take responsibility for my actions so to speak. But, if any of what I’m about to say rings bells with you, I have no doubt you will take appropriate action without any help from me.
Fortunately as you know Hymie passed his MOT with flying colours and with no advisories (sorry if it sounded like I was going end that sentence with ‘so yah boo and sucks’) but tempting as it is to see this document as, at least 12 months of mechanical peace and quiet, we all know that’s just a load of old ball bearings.
I think this is especially true in the case of motorhomes. You see these houses of the road, as I have discovered, are fitted (or at least Hymie is) with cunning pieces of technology called the HADES sensors (short for ‘Hell And Damnation & Exasperation Sensors’. What these clever little things do is wait for just the moment when everything is running smoothly your engine is running ‘sweet as a nut’ (where did that phrase ever come from!?) all on board habitation systems are working perfectly and you are so at peace with the world that you tootle along enjoying the warm sunshine, smiling at everyone and whistling tunes by Roger Whittaker. This is the point where the HADES sensors kick in, (usually in some part of you with zillions of nerve endings), at which point one or more things will break down, cease to operate (usually smug bastards that don’t feel they need to give a reason) overheat, fall off or explode. These situations are collectively and colloquially referred to as being ‘dropped in the shit’.
This morning f’rinstance. Went to bed last night with my water tank filled to capacity (yes go on make jokes about having had too much liquid before bedtime) and having checked that this was showing on my onboard monitor. Wake up to find my taps have run dry, water level is at zero percent and the tank contents have cascaded down the yard - a bugger because Sean will think I’ve dispensed the contents of my grey water tank (technical name for dishwater and other general liquids not suited to what is euphemistically known as chemical waste cassette) over his drive.
I nip outside, hoping I look like a man who knows what he’s doing, when I’m spotted by another HADES sensor. This one decides now would be a good time to fuck with the steps and instead of exiting Hymie with dignity I inadvertently topple out into the toxic wasteland in front of me landing arse down in a patch of ice (or what would have been ice if it had actually frozen yet). Bollox! Yet another job!
I confirm what I already knew, that the water tank was completely empty. No probs! I simply head over to the water outlet, peel the hose from the frost covered grass, connect it to the tap and........NOTHING!! Why aren’t I surprised? No prizes for guessing the problem - the pipes are frozen. Oh you want proof? I remove the ice from the hose connector but it’s still useless, the pipes must be frozen solid all the way through. Will just have to wait until the temperature rises.
Never mind - I’ll try the shit house! That needs the water bucket filling. There's a sizeable trough filled with water near said privvy, that should be good enough to fill up from.
Sadly no. Because thats even worse than the pipes and good only for skating, ice-cube collecting and getting frostbite. Just look at this!!! Oooooh No!!
Back inside the warmth of Hymie's bosom (can I use that for a male?) I decide it’s time for a cup of tea. I open the cupboard above me only to be met with a landslide of bourbon biscuits falling on my head! Absolutely bloody typical! Clearly this is going to be one of those sods law days when everything that can go wrong does. I take it out on the food cupboard
If Alex is reading: I swear a few times, thump and kick the food cupboard (even though I can’t reach the food cupboard to kick it in the first place) cleave it with an axe then tear it from its hinges and smash it with a rock. .
If Rachael is reading: I consider relocating my biccies because I should have seen the accident coming.
If Kat is reading: I will collect up the damaged biccies and anything else that fell off in the landslide and go make something I can sell on eBay.
I shouldn’t complain I suppose. I remember I once went into an Indian restaurant during one of those ‘all you can eat’ for a tenner evenings. Foolishly, while I was helping myself to food I banged my head and fell into a beef curry. lt could have been worse, I could have fallen into a korma. (Bah Bum!!!)
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