Billy Liar

*Contains adult themes and material which some people may find offensive*

Date: Wednesday 13th November 2019

Location: Stratford-upon-Avon/Leamington Spa

Specifically: Leaning against the outside of a bakers shop scribbling notes but not buying a any pastries or anything which might give me some sort of right to lean against their wall. It follows therefore that my actions are probably illegal and Stratford is not a place for lenient judgements. OMG you ever been to Stratford? Best laff I’ve had in years. You ever seen the house where Willy Shakespeare lived!? No - I’ll bet you ‘aven’t and neither has anyone else! Why? Because it fell down years ago that’s why! But you know what? They still charge £18 quid to look round it!! and ... for another £2 (might as well round it up to an even twenty) you can watch a little video about how it might have looked. You’ve got to hand it to Stratford Council for imagination and ingenuity.

Anyway - Never bought into all this bollox about t’owd Billy Shakespeare snuffing it almost 500 years ago. My theory - conniving old scrote has just outlived everyone then got his missus (Hollywood actress Anne Hathaway) to say he snuffed it in April 1616. In reality the old slap-head is hiding out but is just making excuses to avoid all his fans lining the street outside his house. You think I is taking the piss!!! How about this for evidence then. Wandering around Stratford today, enjoying the nice weather, browsing in the shops, and rifling the bins for food I came across none other than Chairman Mao!! Now alright, I accept that if the selfish old git hadn’t have suddenly up n pegged it he would‘ve been 126 today.

Nowhere near as old as Bunglow Bill Shakespeare I‘ll grant you but certainly way past the national average. So..... proves my point don’t it? Old Bill is alive and kicking (or at least shuffling).

Anyway being married to a bit of fit totty like Anne Hathaway he must have some energy, she can’t have married him for his money because she’s got plenty of her own, besides she dropped a sprog only a few months after she married him so he must still have plenty of lead in his pencil! HB or not HB that is the question.

Chairman Mao wandering around

outside Billy Shakespeares house

Cant believe the people wandering around the outside of Billies gaff, gazing up at it, taking photographs and exchanging gossip “oh aye didn’t just write plays n shit he invented cigars n’all“ “oh really? Hamlet? “Don’t matter where he lived innit he still invented ‘em”. Time wasting see!? Crap! F**k them, I thought, and marched straight up to the front door. Knock! Knock! Avon calling! Hah that’ll wake the dozy git up! But today wasn’t all about wrinkled Willy I had an itinerary!! An itinerary that included;

Birthplace of Shakespeare

The MAD Museum

Magic Alley & The Leaky Cauldron

The Old Slaughterhouse

Shakespeares New Place

Practically all the main places of interest are centrally located making Stratford a great place for a weekend away or a short break - it’s tourism for the time stretched (or the bone idle). One exception is Ann Hathaways cottage which lies a few miles outside of Stratford in a place called Hollywood!

One of the first things that struck me about Stratford was the silence. Today was Wednesday, not noted for being the busiest day of the week but not the quietest either. It’s not that there weren't any people around there were, yet the atmosphere was reminiscent of Sundays in the days when people still went to church, got new clothes for Whitsuntide and all the shops were shut and the only recognisable sound was church bells banging together.

Generally Stratford is all very ‘witchy’, lots of shops pinching the Harry Potter font even when there’s no Harry Potter stuff inside it! You get the idea - I have seen some truly shitty ‘places of interest’ in my time -

The historic castle at Laugten-en-le-Morthern, in Rotherham..

Which isn’t there any more...

Except for a little hill

A floating disco ‘The Tuxedo Royale’ that is gradually sinking into the River Tees,

Woodhenge in Wiltshire - like Stonehenge except that it’s made from wood ...

except there is no wood....

...because it’s gone

THE DRAPERY

But there is one attraction that I can guarantee will truly delight and amaze you. It’s a little way outside Stratford, Leamington Spa to be precise but it is totally worth the visit. I refer to a little known museum called ‘The Drapery’; the name gives nothing away, no indication of the amazing exhibits and stunning artefacts on display inside. So, a little background ....

The Drapery is in fact the home of two of the most iconic people in steampunk (in MY view! - before anyone presumes I am getting above myself). Hilary and Stephen Draper. Stephen and Hilary got into steampunk about 3-4 years ago and from thenceforth have gone from strength to strength, buying clothing and accessories, ornaments and sculptures, and other types of steampunk artwork.

To say they put 100% Into their amazing recreational activity would be a ludicrous understatement not to mention an insult. Yet they will tell you that, steampunk isn’t something they take too seriously. Which is a bit like saying Picasso did a bit of dabbling with paints and a colouring book. The cost of admission to this treasure trove of steampunk phenomenon? nothing! zero, zip, nada though visit’s are by invitation only - plus I’m sure the Drapers would not refuse some small token of appreciation. You think you’ve seen a man cave!? Not until you’ve seen Stephens!! Remember the bat cave from the early 70s TV series? Crap - not a patch on Stephen’s and with way less technology. In fact the only difference between this and a real cave is that this is made from bricks instead of rock, and it’s decorated with wallpaper instead of cave paintings of buffalo and tiny men trying to bring down dinosaurs with knitting needles...... and it’s nice and dry because the house is heated ..... and doesn’t have water running in rivulets down the walls ... oh yes and it doesn’t have any stalagmites or stalactites either because they can get rid of that sort of thing with Penicillin these days.

The Bat Cave

Sources reveal this to be a piece of shit compared to the one at The Drapery!

Oh!! I seem to have wandered of ...

So, as I was saying - Stephens man cave is astounding, a testament to his remarkable enthusiasm and determination to kick ass and put ideas into action!

Pride of place (or I assume so from the fact that it seems to take up two thirds of the room) is the racing simulator. Vast luxurious chair customised with steampunk technology and decorated with; masks, artefacts, goggles, chains and all manner of riveting pieces hanging from every space where it’s possible to hang something.

By contrast Hilarie's ‘She Shed’ (there’s a tongue twister in there somewhere “She sells she sheds by the sea shore!”) is unusual in that, if you look very carefully between the edge of the wardrobe and the bed you will notice a patch of coloured textile. To most householders this coloured area is more commonly known as ‘carpet’ and can usually be seen quite clearly in areas where there is an absence of furniture. However, at ‘The Drapery‘ this small area is more commonly referred to as an ‘opportunity’ - an opportunity to fill the space with more steampunk paraphernalia! Well it would be a shame to let a bit of space go to waste!

The piece of carpet left exposed in Hilary’s ‘She Shed’ (shown actual size) which can just be seen on a clear day.

One of the first items Stephen bought. Hung on the living room wall while they still had space on it to put things!

I could go on (and on and on etc...) but you get the idea - besides if you are lucky enough to get invited to The Drapery I would not want to give everything away. Remarkable sights await the lucky few.

More later......!