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Bloody Murder!

Writer's picture: captainvictoriesbigsteampunkadventure.comcaptainvictoriesbigsteampunkadventure.com

Date: Sunday 6th September 2020

Location: Northwood

Specifically: Eh? What lock pick? Oh - this lock pick. Er....well I locked myself out of my house didn't I and left my keys inside this one which belongs to er...a friend...... aye....etc


Deals with violent themes and may contain material 'n shit that some homies might wish to long-off.


BLAST IT!


First of all a foot note to yesterdays performance regarding my many attempts to release gas. As you recall I entertained a fleeting thought about searching for a fault using a cigarette lighter. I don't know how these thoughts drift past through warped brain but at least I didn't put it into practice. NO one would put such a dumb thought into practice. No one? Well, as it turns out I did find someone (not that I went on the hunt for a crazed arsonist or anything - theres probably never one around when you want one anyway). A person of interest, who shall remain amonylamous (can't spell anonymous sorry) in order to protect the innocent (me) did pop along to help me look at the gas cylinder and connecting cable.

What's he check it with? a lighted cigarette hanging limply out of his face about two inches from the main valve on an 11kg propane gas cylinder! You remember that warning on fireworks back in the day before they were the size of nuclear warheads "Light the blue touch paper and retire'. I retired back into the next county, with my fingers in my ears and waited for a loud bang....


...which fortunately didn't come. What did come, or I should say what I went to fetch, was Dave the plumber who lives next door to Sean (quite amazing really in an agricultural area where your nearest neighbour is generally only accessible by helicopter and a rowing boat). Fortunately Dave was able to repair the pipe and get the gas going again. Cost a tenner!! Quite amazing really - where can you get a fully qualified plumber on a Saturday for that sort of money!?


A MURDER STORY


All's well that ends well as they say!! (or すべてが大丈夫になります if you're from Japan!)


Now for a murder.......


At precisely 07.13 am on Tuesday 14th February 2017 Martin Freeloader a 19 year old high school drop out was woken by a loud knocking on the door. Startled he dressed quickly and rushed downstairs to see who could be calling at this hour of the day. To his horror he found himself confronted by two police officers.


At the time Martin was still under the influence of drink (Natz Pitz, Local convenience store, 6x pack, £1.40p) and drugs - in this case weed (weed from the garden that is he couldn’t afford the proper stuff) - a lethal combination. Needless to say he wasn’t quite with it and collapsed in a fit of giggles. But his demeanour changed when one of the officers charged him with murder (or moider if you're from the USA) and read him his rights. "Martin Freeloader you are under arrest for the murder of Mr & Mrs Freeloader and the two children Bonnie and Clyde. You do not have to say anything but anything you do say will be taken down and uploaded to facebook for uniform to have a laugh at during their tea break)" .


Down at the station Martin was placed in an interview room and asked if he would like a cup of tea. He politely declined “fuck off copper” and the questioning began. “Why did you kill your family Martin?” Martin was a bright and articulate young man so was ready with a comprehensive answer ”felt like it innit”. “Come on Martin there was blood all over the house (even the one you murdered them in) in fact it appeared that each member of your family was shot, stabbed, bludgeoned, strangled then hanged from the ceiling to make it look like suicide and hanged again before being poisoned with an undercooked blowfish, You were angry weren’t you?.

“Well I was provoked innit. There I was trying to watch telly. My mother kept vaccuming the floor in front of me I tried shifting her out the way with my foot and shouting in her face “oi bitch I’m trying to watch this! But she actually had the nerve to say “sorry Martin I just need to get the floor done before I make us some dinner. I’ll not be long love” I mean WTAF!?

"What happened next?"

"Wouldn’t shift innit - that was bad enough but then she started disrespecting me - told me that if I didn’t get out from under her feet she would send me to my room. I said "yo disrespecting me bitch!? Huh? yo disrespecting me!?" At the same time I'm dealing with this shit I could hear Dad next door decorating a new room for me complete with a new computer, laptop, and 65”TV. Making a right racket he was. Then Bonnie and Clyde are arguing over whose turn it was on the game console. Well I did what any right thinking male would do innit. I gave mother both barrels for getting in my way, shoved the old mans head through the TV screen (which was funnier than anything I've seen on telly at the moment) and gave bonnie and Clyde a bit of baseball bat to share between them".

"Are you serious? Said the lead detective. "You're telling us that even after you asked politely your mother refused to move, your dad was preventing you from hearing your program

and the children were causing a disturbance.? That is diabolical. All I can say is that you were clearly acting under tremendous pressure. Please allow me to extend my apologies and arrange for you to be given a lift to somewhere safe while we can get your house clean and comfortable for you again".


The End (or Unterseite if you're from Germany!)


PRISON CONDITIONS


Seeing as I'm still on my criminal cases kick one thing that really does my head in is these so called punishments that are handed out by judges. F'rinstance take the case of Arson Welles famous for getting wobbly little aliens to set fire to buildings for him and annihilate members of the priesthood for trying to make friends and hand him a free bible. Found guilty and sentenced to 10 years in the slammer without any possibility of parole. Bloody right as well - crazy old coot. Following this experience he then became a model Citizen famous for carrying around a richly engraved walking stick - or Citizen Cane as he became known.


Now compare this with the so called justice system of today. Gerry Stranglam gets found guilty of the first degree murder of a young woman by shooting her (and thereby passing up a golden opportunity to get a laugh out of his surname). What sentence does he get!? Judge simply sends him to Coventry! Well the city of Coventry that is. Why does he send him here? Because a new construction has been built especially for people in Gerry's position. Gerry will be going there for at least 25 years! Hah now you're talking...


....except theres a problem. Whereas poor Arson Welles got thrown in a cockroach infested cell for ten years, fed on bread and water and where his only source of relief was working a treadmill for an hour a day (usually during his lunch hour - "stop complaining man you can eat your bread and operate a treadmill at the same time") Gerry gets a cosy and warm little place that consists of luxuries! No shit. First off there's a bed - and not just a slab of granite or even hardwood. NO this is a bed with two pillows a sheet and a blanket. On top of this theres also a table with a TV set, a paperback, writing paper and pen a proper flushing toilet and a little stool to sit on (no connection to the toilet I might add). You think this is it? Just the start innit? He gets four square meals a day, access to a library with a whopping 23 DIFFERENT books to choose from, exercise in a huge yard where he can walk around chatting, a job in the library with the potential to earn up to £2 a month! and has regular periods of recreation where he can play games, make friends, and go to movies and concerts all for nowt!! I got harsher punishment than that when I was at school got my legs smacked and lines n stuff. Terrifying!


FAMOUS CRAP HAIRCUTS

No 4 The Pageboy

In an unbelievably callous and cruel twist of fate some politically correct madman decided in their infinite wisdom that boys shouldn’t be the only ones to benefit from the basin cut - girls should be given the opportunity to become social pariahs as well. And so the ‘pageboy’ style was born. It didn’t stop the girls getting ripped off though. They had to go to the hairdresser and pay real money to have a rice pudding bowl stuck on their heads while someone cut round it! Unlike the boys who’s comely cropper cost not a copper.

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