May contain strong language and material that some people may find offensive
Date: Wednesday 20th May 2020
Quarantine: Day
Location: Gainsborough
Specifically: Town centre sampling the local amenities i.e overpriced drinks, no litter bins, drinks containing spit, skinny ass bog roll and the pleasure of throwing yourself in front of passing vehicles in order to keep people safe. Post war architecture (those halcyon days when everyones house looked like a public toilet, teddy boys wore trousers that smelled like drainpipes and everyones furniture looked like shop soiled leftovers. Those were the days!
GAINzzzzzzBOROUGH
After experiencing the delights of shacking up outside Morrisons for a couple of days (which for me is fast becoming the go to holiday camp of choice with its combination of signage the colour of sun kissed beaches and council park benches, choice of shopping from groceries, entertainment, household items and clothing (but forget it if you’re a man over the age of 6 you don’t exist so they’ve got nothing for yer).
Before buggering off to pastures new (‘tarmacadam new’) doesn’t have the same ring to it) I pop into Morrisons for a few bits. Are you bloody serious!? Look at this?
£3.80!!!! For a bloody fruit juice. I know I’m probably getting old and out of touch but f*****g hell on a stick! It’s bloody fruit juice!!!
If you think I’m moaning unsarsaparillally then take a closer look....
Yes! Spirulina! Surely that’s that nasty, ghastly phlegmy stuff that people spit out in pubs where the floor is made of sawdust. (Though there is a chance I’m mistaken).
Anyway I bought an ‘Innocent Smoothie’. Not simply because I was thirsty (always a bad time to buy drinks because it’s tempting to buy gallons of the stuff) but also because it is a truly beautiful colour and because it has such an amazing list of ingredients (despite the spirit of spirulina or whatever it is) so I had to try it. I wasn’t disappointed it was absolutely delish!
GOODBYE MORRISONS!
With that thrilling establishment in my rear view mirror I now found myself in Lidl car park (as if Morrisons had tele-porters built into their parking spaces) what an incredible difference. Well no, but I had to start somewhere if I was to find a new home for a couple of days.
Well!! So much to see so much to write about!
Despite my cynical introduction I liked Gainsborough. Soon as I stepped out of Hymie I experienced that nice cosy feeling you get when you arrived home from a long day at work (back in pre-lockdown days when everyone had a job). The nice, friendly, homely feel of a rather pleasant little town (having said that after where I was born in Rotherham even the local builders yard would look pleasant).
First port of call is to get rid of rubbish. En-route from Lidl I noticed a retail park (presumably for animals who’ve misplaced them or something). I made my way towards it keeping an eye open for any decent sized litter bins on the way. I saw one. A little thing smaller than a domestic pedal bin with a slot for the litter about the size of a letterbox opening. Hopeless. No wonder they’re called ‘rubbish bins’.
Next stop the retail park I saw earlier. This was much more promising - for those who think litter bins are an eyesore and like to wander around knee deep in crap - not a single litter bin to be seen. I despair, though having said that there was good news on the parking front.
Only £1 for 4 hours! Charge only applies from 8.00 am until 6.30 pm! So I should be good for the night!
Back to the litter bin. Stuff it (l made the funny!) I did what any other self respecting lazy ass human would do when put under pressure. Opened my bin liner (Tesco’s carrier bag) and put the stuff in the bin one piece at a time! Good thinking but not as much fun as stuffing the lot in in one go.
Lets stick with crap shall we. I pop into Tescos to use their ‘facilities’. Now, OK I wouldnt normally mention this while someone is eating but given that we are living in (very recently) enlightened times with regards to the usual taboo subjects I think discussing sanitation is OK.
OK now have a look at this picture. What do you think it is?
A) Piece of sellotape
B) Strip of masking tape
C) Few sheets of boggie roll
All those who said B!
Well done! Thats what I would have gone for.
Except.....
........ It is in fact C! (I know are you pulling faeces as well!? Same here.
Yes. This ridiculously thin strip of paper just a fraction wider than my mobile is actually toilet tissue! I mean come on, who are they expecting in their luxury shithouse? A contingent from the local pixie population!? All the profit that Tesco’s must make and this is the best they can do!? Fuck me I’d be expecting my ass serviced by a bloody geisha girl at the prices they charge!!
Now I get it. As I’ve said often enough, I am not one to complain. So allow me to focus on the more upbeat, positive side of Gainsborough.
Now heres something that has become evident the world over since we were all knocked up (or locked down I can never remember these bloody new terms we’ve all had to learn since the outbreak of this constipation virus or whatever the hell it is.).
But!!!!
At least some good has come out of this. Take social distancing for example. In recent years people have become more familiar with terms usually more associated with psychologists; peer pressure, self-fulfilling prophecy, defence mechanism, stress management, stressed out, mindset, self-esteem, personal space- and now social-distancing and social-isolation.
A good few years before social distancing if you had to queue somewhere like a bank, post office, dole queue or whatever you could virtually guarantee that the person who was next would come and stand right next to you. They would then stare you in the face as if expecting a cheery hello and the offer of a bacon sandwich. If you wanted to reclaim your personal space you would either have to ask nicely (frequently met with a defensive reaction leading to them getting all bolshy) hope they might discover some inner reserves of common sense (unlikely) or failing that say “get out of my face sheister for I am trying to conduct personal business” (though probably not with that rubbish toilet paper from Tesco’s).
Fast forward a few decades to the years before social distancing. All of the above applied except that instead of leaning at the side of you they now stand a little to the right or left of your shoulder waiting for you to blink or lose concentration then just push in.
Now all that nonsense is behind us.....
.....almost
Whinge Alert !!!
I need a few ‘Home Enhancements’. Wilko is opposite, just a few yards away albeit with a lengthy queue of surgeons judging by the amount of people wearing ‘knock it together out of Y Fronts and knicker elastic’ face masks (must be an NHS thing). As I get to the front of the queue (fortunately it’s still Wednesday) I’m told there is one queue for everyone.
One throw and a fitted sheet later I head for the queue. Can’t see it. Friendly looking ex butler type with a chummy smile and wearing blue trousers with brown shoes (OMG I soooo bloody hate blue and brown together but don’t tell *Hymie he’s a bit sensitive 🥺) Directs me to the queue (assuming “it’s ower theer mate” counts as direction (I’m pretty sure it doesn’t count as butler).
I head in the direction I’m told, turn the corner and spot the queue....
... the wrong end of it.
Nothing to be done now but walk to the back of the queue and try to keep as far apart from everyone as possible. It’s not good enough for one woman though who looks at me like I was a mongrel caught shagging her Crufts champion poodle. This is followed by a succession of “tut tut tut tuts” which I ignore.
... for now
I hand my items to the checkout assistant and as I do so common sense and me part company....
....as poodle lady walks past...
I can’t resist and seize the opportunity to make a succession of very loud “tut tut tut’s. She looks back at me mumbling something from behind her soiled knicker face mask; “eh; what’s that? “tomatoes rule” ??? Oh the 2metre rule”.
...at which point I start “tut tut tutting” even louder than before. I also throw in a bit of dancing around at the checkout wiggling my arms around and doing the rubber band leg shuffle. I look at the checkout chappie “sorry”, I say “you make one mistake you pay for it with your life” (referring to madam “tut tut tut”.) It’s OK he says” Obviously finding the whole thing amusing.
So social/distancing seems to have helped people to find their manners.
Yet another great thing is that social distancing has provided us with a choice in our interactions with other human beings. Pre-social-distancing if you were wandering around town the proximity between people was such that there was a good chance you might get knocked into the road, trip over the pavement, cross the road to avoid crowds as well as fighting for your personal space (see above).
Now under the new lockdown procedures you get to make your own choices!
Someone coming towards you on the pavement? Just wander out into the road while they drift past blissfully unaware that you have just narrowly escaped death.
A couple with a baby in a pram? nae bother just sidle out of their way. Sadly you catch your foot on the pavement and go ass over tit as they glare at you for daring to fall inside the 2 metres rule.
Cyclist coming your way down a very narrow track? easy just leap into a ditch and watch as he cycles past you with a wave and a cheery “thanks mate”. What a wonderful place the world has become .
*well yes of course it’s because his fittings and furnishings are mainly brown and blue”. 🙄
*Before I go any further I don’t mean any destrspect to those people who have been closely affected by the Coronavirus either because they or someone close to them has caught COVID-19 or worse, who have lost loved ones.
GAINSBOROUGH: NOT A SITTY DOWN TOWN
After all I said about Gainsborough feeling friendly and welcoming there was also a feeling of “yes its true weve got a nice little place here but if it‘s all the same to you we’d rather you didn't hang about.
Feeling hot and sweaty and decidedly grimy I took myself off somewhere with a view to buying a cold drink and finding a seat somewhere to complete todays blog (yesterday’s blog! who am I kidding I’m never up to date!) . Hi
Well, the drink part was easy but finding a seat wasn’t. Maybe I wasn’t in the best part of town, perhaps I should have walked in a different direction but I was starting to feel like a worn out donkey handler - no where to rest my weary ass. I could not find a seat anywhere. It’s almost as if Gainsborough was saying “we might be friendly ‘n all that but don’t get too comfortable because we’d like you to have cleared off by tomorrow”
On my way back to Marshall Yard the place where I had parked Hymie I chanced to look back in the direction I had came. Supermarkets Tesco’s, Lidl, fast food outlets McDonalds, Kentucky Fried Chicken, gas stations a retail park. The message I was getting reminded me of something Peter Kay once said about booking holidays online “Paid it, packed it, fucked off” exept Gainsborough is more economical “pack up and fuck off”.
Then I spotted it. Them actually. Seating enough for a coach-load of people. Brilliant!
I wandered back inside Marshall Yard...
.... Then I spotted it. Them actually. Seating enough for a coach-load of people. Brilliant!
.... If you are the sort of person who gets off on having a sore back or only wishes to sit down for under three minutes.
Do you see the problem?
Absolutely! Two sets of these benches opposite each other. Not that it matters because unless you want to stroll around looking at their aesthetic properties you wouldn’t want to spend any time sitting on these things. Probably because you can’t sit on them in the first place.
Even if you find a bench it’s usually got woodworm, dry rot or hasn’t been serviced in years (I know the feeling) ... like this thing lurking under someones hedge. in the Morton area.
When do you imagine this posteria perch last saw a lick of paint?
...and how about this pile of rotting wood? Opposite what is now a famous tourist attraction. (TESCO’S!)
GAINSBOROUGH MODEL RAILWAY
An unmissable opportunity! Walk out of the top end of Tesco’s car park, through a narrow track turn left and about 300 yards on your right you will discover the joys snd delights of Gainsborough model railway!
Unless you are as dim as the proverbial 2 watt light bulb in which case you eyes see model railway’ on the map but your brain says ‘light gauge’ railway. In which case you will be disappointed to notice that, where you expected to find a man chugging along a track on an aesthetically pleasing working steam engine there is only a post war building, locked up during quarantine and the only evidence of a train, a rusting plaque above the main door. Twit.
FACEBOOK MEMORIES
Posted 20th May 2017
As we all know Steampunks often get questions from people which, for the most part are born out of a genuine interest and healthy curiosity. Some people (usually the less imaginative) can also be quite rude. But I have decided that the ones I really detest are the ones that begin "Whats with" ...... (the goggles, top hat, gas mask, and "What's it all about this then mate?
I hate them because they aren't questions at all but value judgements disguised as questions. It just means "Hello but I am far too stupid to understand people who don't conform to my expectations of appearance so would like to ask you a condescending question to make you feel bad about yourself rather than admit that my neck size is larger than my IQ) and that I am, in fact, an idiot.
I usually give them the same response - "look you mentally challenged dimwit why don't you just f*** right off before I give you a punch in the face?!" Only for some reason it comes out sounding like "why my good man it is a style of design and fashion that combines historical elements with anachronistic technological features inspired by science fiction (sigh).
Posted 20th May 2017
Had a good laugh when I was speaking to someone in Rotherham about going to see Clifton Park (who, as you may recall, I was hoping were going to be as good as 'Abney Park') who told me that 'Clifton Park' wasn't a band but a large recreational area in Rotherham with; gardens, Shrubbery, pathways, play areas and a museum! Oh dear, you really have to make allowances for some people don't you?! It's a good job one of us has his brain in gear! 😂😂😂
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