*May contain strong language and material that some people may find offensive!*
Date: Monday 13th April 2020
Quarantine: Day 22
Location: “Lalalalalalalalalalalalala”
Specifically: “LALALALALALALALALALALALA”
VR: Same as yesterday
STEAMPUNK
or
not.........?
Following a few periods of introspection plus talking to Rachael regarding whether or not to carry on trading/customising steampunk accessories I believe I have finally made a decision. I’m no spring chicken (boing) but I’m too old to waste time on things I don’t enjoy or that I’m struggling to fund the motivation for. Staying with Alex over the winter period with lockdown following hard on its heels has shown me that I have enough money to manage without the trading. Therefore my decision is to focus on writing.
An old friend, Helen, who I haven’t seen in a long time, once told me to imagine that there were no restrictions on what I wanted to do, be it financial, geographical, logistical, cultural whatever and then make a decision. My dearest friend Rachael also gave me this advice from her mum; do what you enjoy. It’s advice that may not always be practical and/or possible. In this case though - it is.
Next task is how to achieve it. Much as I’d like to draw a line under steampunk as a business Ive spent too much money on stock and equipment to just thrown it on a skip. (Like the sound of it though wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee goodbye crap that‘s been scruffying up Hymie’s interior aka my home for the best part of a year.) So.... best bet is to try to find a trader or traders who will take everything.
More later...........
..... like now in fact!!
It‘s always puzzled me why it can be so difficult to find glues and adhesives that do what they’re supposed to do i.e stick things together. Sometimes the surfaces you bonded look secure until you test them only to find they come apart or come unstuck following a slight knock.
I wonder if the manufacturers of these products have ever done the washing up? (I’m getting there! Be patient). Or more to the point, have they ever done the washing up after it‘s been left for a while? Ditto the laundry or cleaning the carpet, in fact anything else that can and has been the recipient of staining (oh give up now!).
If they have they would soon see that the most powerful bonding agents in the world. Allow me to present the worlds top ten glues guaranteed to stick anything!!
Adhesives listed from strongest (1) to weakest (9)!!
1. Kelloggs cornflakes/bran flakes/Frosties etc
2. Tomato Ketchup
3. Chocolate
4. Mustard
5. Peanut butter
6. Baby Food
7. Pritt Stick
8. Water
9. Super Glue
GAME REVIEW
I know, you’re probably thinking what’s this doing here? and what sort of game are we talking about anyway? A live game, like Football, a dead game, like cricket (ooh I will be in such trouble). a political game, like Boris Johnson & Donald Trump competing for ‘who’s the smartest?’ by seeing how many words of three letters or more they can make out of the word ‘muttonhead’ .... anyway you get the idea.
I am talking about a VR game, in this case ‘Wrong Voyage’; because it is a feature of my life, something which provides entertainment and which stops me climbing the (real) walls during quarantine!
So here it is!!!
Review: Wrong Voyage
Platform: Oculus Go
Price: £1.49
Rating: **** (out of 5).
I have a confession to make to the gaming world. I detest games that are difficult. When I hear for the umpteenth time someone complaining that a game is too easy or bouncing around like a happy kipper because it’s ‘fiendishly difficult’ I just want to poke their bloody eyes out, gag them, punch them in the face and chuck them in a skip. Anything to shut them up where they can’t influence programmers to make harder and harder games.
This doesn’t mean I want games that are completely devoid of any challenge, just that frequently my priority is exploration and I don’t like anything that gets in the way of that. I admit though, that while I enjoy puzzles I’m not particularly good at them. Kudos to them who like a real challenge and are bright enough to solve complex puzzles but I hate it. - especially when I get stuck on a level for days and weeks on end with no idea how to move on.
Fortunately (for me) ‘Wrong Voyage’ is no such game. I have spent hours just wandering around as if I was exploring a derelict building, standing and admiring the scenery and the architecture and pausing to take photos (via the screen shot function).
So, for me this game is near perfect; surprising because it’s pretty much a graphical none-event. But in a sense its actually better for it-the architecture, while lacking in detail, manages to look stately and majestic yet sinister and menacing. The foliage looks like its been cut from a cereal packet yet still provides a pleasant contrast to the dark and foreboding buildings and the enemies look like they were made by someone who was given ten minutes to complete a game and ram raided a pixelated version of Oxfam in order to grab the leftovers after a closing down sale.
And finally the price tag £1.49 amazing value for money.
CORIVIRUS:
News just in! ...
..... a new strain of the COVID-19 virus has been sweeping across the country unbeknownst to natives of the UK. As such it is not yet known how many citizens will test positive for the disease. If you experience 1 or more of the following symptoms you must report immediately to your local psychiatric unit who will provide treatment.
Symptoms
The following symptoms usually occur between 7.30 p.m and 8.30 p.m Mon/Wed/Fri
An uncontrollable urge to punch anyone who dares to speak.
Screaming “shhhhhhhhhhhh” at people having the audacity to breathe.
Telling anyone who attempts to get out of their chair to “can’t you bloody well wait!”
Refusing to answer the phone
Leaving visitors to your home outside in the rain
Sat with your nose 2” from the TV Screen
Getting ‘twitchy’ in the few minutes coming up to 7.30 pm.
Wide staring eyes enhanced by dark circles and bags like a brace of wilted tits.
Talking about people in soaps as though they were real.
Using phrases like “Willy Eckslike”, “shut thi gob“, “eeh by gum”, “o tha’ reet in ‘t ee’ad thee!?” and “did you spill my pint?” (Usually followed by the deliverance of a severe twatting).
Suffering withdrawal symptoms like; headaches, tummy ache, anxiety, boredom, depression and the squits a few minutes after the program has gone off.
Having a panic attack on hearing the news “we regret that Coronation Street will be screened only 3x a week until further notice”
Thinking hair curlers are the next big fashion statement
Wandering to the corner shop in your slippers and a nightgown.
Treatment
Treatment for this condition is usually in the form of; counselling and a change of diet.
Diet
Avoid the following foods: Beer, Fish n chips, mushy peas, black pudding, tripe, lard on toast, and pickled egg sandwiches.
Counselling/Palliative Care Counselling is very similar to the type offered to the drug dependant i.e removing the patient from the source of their addiction. In the case of Corivirus the sufferer is ‘encouraged’ to watch other TV programs or take up a hobby. Usually accompanied by phrases like;
”there there lovey don’t bang your head on the floor there are other programs on the telly”, “now then what about a nice book?“ and “have you ever thought about buying a fish tank?”
In particularly severe cases more extreme methods are used; dragging the viewer away from the TV (needs a tough approach since this method is frequently accompanied by; hysteria, whimpering and cries of “leave me alone I’m over 40!”), encouraging the patient to look out of the window accompanied by soothing phrases like “now look isn’t that nice?” and hiding the remote in a small village.
FACEBOOK MEMORY
From 13th April 2017
Bloody hairdressers! It used to be so simple - customers sat in something called a queue in the order they came in so everyone knew who was next. This is clearly far too simple for today's customer who prefers to sit all over the place from the cafe over the road to (I kid you not) an upturned litter bin in the corner!
This morning I stood up thinking it was my turn when suddenly from behind a display of hideously overpriced hairdressing products this guy rises up out of a chair like a bonk on at a dildo convention, sits himself down in front of a smug looking hairdresser who says "ooh I'm sorry luv d'yer mind if a dooo (clearly from Barnsley) this one first it's me dad?"
As if it's not bad enough having to spend 20 minutes in front of the most unflattering mirrors/lighting imaginable,looking at your sagging/ageing/drooping features hanging off a face that looks as grey as the dawn you then have to put up with their repertoire of mind numbing bloody questions - Jesus where do they get them from? ..ave yer got anythin planned for the weekend? ...ave yer booked your holidays yet? Ave you been workin today?
It might not be so bad if they actually meant it but they just sound so f****** bored! ..and how the hell am I expected to know what setting the electric razor is supposed to be on? They're the experts not me. Bloody hairdressers, I'd put em all down..............but then I'm not one to complain.
FACEBOOK HUMOUR
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