*May contain strong language and material that some people may find offensive!*
Date: Tuesday 24th December 2019
Location: Milnsbridge, Huddersfield
Specifically: Flea market/Town centre
This year, in a break from tradition, I decide to get my Christmas shopping early - 11.30 a.m. on Christmas Eve instead of 5.00 p.m - and take advantage of a lift from Alex since today is one of his Huddersfield market days. Of course the lift is on the condition that I play the role of a sack barrow and sit with a large box on my knees, its a small price to pay - albeit a damned heavy one!
We set off in Alex's car (while it can still be legitimately defined as such) - complete with whining sound (“oh aye - the steering rack‘s knackered”) and an intermittent clunking and scraping noise coming from somewhere under the chassis, which sounds like those empty cans people tie to the back of a newlyweds car! “yes and it’s got something falling off the back as well” He says this as though these were regular features of motor cars everywhere that he felt he should point out as a courtesy. MORE NEWS
Exciting bit of news just in that I am actually bursting (boom!) to share with you. Ebeneezer Scrooge - miserable old guy, tight as a ducks arse, famous for being visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve as a result of which he changed his miserly ways. Aye - him, well guess what? We’re related innit! Found out today that he’s me great Grandad!! What!? You're not surprised!? Fuck off!
Of course it was later discovered that the story continued ..... after Scrooge bore witness to the departing backsides of the spirits as they fucked of back to the netherworld, Scrooge had a sudden change of heart and became 10x the shit he was previously.
First thing he does, legs it round to Bob Cratchitt’s gaff, nicks his goose back and all the presents, relieves Tiny Tims of his crutch causing him to wobble around for a bit before falling flat on his arse - at which point Ebenezer almost shat with laughter , sacks Bob Cratchitt, telling him to “fuck off and find another job“. Then pops round to his nephews where he duly shakes his hand, headbutts him in the face, and runs off with the deeds to his house,
The story then carries on to the ending we all know and love - Scrooge skipping and dancing in the streets but only because he's made himself richer and a bigger c**t than he was previously.
Anyway where was I?
Ah yes! Well this might surprise you but I’m not a total naysayer when it comes to Christmas. To prove it I have listed my favourite tips for a happy and joyful festive season! .
Xmas Tip No 1
Avoid spending your hard earned cash on ungrateful friends & relatives by buying just one box of chocolates (like the one shown in the picture). Open the box, individually wrap each chocolate and hey presto! 15 presents for the price of one!
Xmas Tip No 2
Sadly it‘s a well known fact that people today expect expensive presents - Gone are the days when children were happy with a small glass of prune juice, an ounce of lard or a teaspoon of cod liver oil. Get round this by nipping into a pound shop and looking at whats on offer. For example if you see a DVD at £1 make a note of the title then run round to a shop that sells it at the full retail price and buy it for £25! The receiver will never know the difference!!!
Xmas Tip No 3
Xmas cakes take weeks of preparation, loads of ingredients and a good slosh of booze. Fuck that! Simply buy a fruit cake from Morrisons, remove the ‘Fruit Cake’ label and attach another labeled ‘Xmas Cake‘.
Xmas Tip No 4
Everyone knows that kids break their toys soon after receiving them and are usually knackered by boxing Day. Save your kids the trouble by going round on Christmas eve and smashing all their presents to bits with a hammer.
Xmas Tip No 5 Don’t waste valuable time this year cooking dinner. Take a well earned rest by hiring sweary celebrity Masterchef Gordon Ramsey and his team of chefs - only £43784.00 (Excluding food and tips). Oh yes - and VAT....er and his fuel money etc Xmas Tip No 6
Fancy something different this year? How about roast Swan? Bit of a downside is that they are protected by the crown. No worries. Simply nip out to your local Nature Reserve, quick shufty, make sure the queen isn’t looking then swipe a swan, chuck it in a bin bag then run off!
Xmas Tip No 7
Children love fire engines so why not give them a special treat this year. Simply dial 999 and tell them your house is on fire. Watch the children's eyes light up as the fire engines arrive only for the police to come and arrest you for making a hoax call and throwing you into a cell at the police station.
Xmas Tip No 8 Don’t bother with fir trees; nothing but a con. When we‘d finished with ours last year we tried to make a coat and some mittens out of it. Imagine our disappointment when they fell to bits after being worn for only ten minutes.
Xmas Tip No 9
Carol singers can be great when they come round your house but sometimes they can get a bit much. Make your Christmas quieter and your life easier by digging a pit, driving spikes into the bottom and covering the surface with twigs and branches. Carol singing is guaranteed to stop almost immediately. Hours of fun!
Xmas Tip No 10
Don’t spoil your Christmas day by spending hours doing the washing up. Do it on boxing day instead.
Captain Victory presents a very special Christmas offer.
Christmas is the season of goodwill and what better way of achieving it than by sending your very own personalised ‘Captain Victory Christmas card’.
Each card is beautifully presented on a high quality mount with an exquisite REAL photo of a Captain Victory Christmas Scene. A scene which has been mounted on photographic paper and comes complete with seasonal messages directly from the Captain to you. The inside of this card has been left blank - should you wish to add your own special message for friends and loved ones.
The RRP of each special Captain Victory Christmas card would normally be £14.99! but if you order today you can get your card for only £14.98 (EXCLUDING p&p)
YES THAT’S CORRECT - ONLY £14.98 for one of these truly unique and special cards.
But HURRY stocks are limited to only 2,000,456 so buy yours today to avoid disappointment.
WHAT!!!!??? You want more
MORE!
Each card also comes with its very own unique limited edition certificate of authenticity.
BUY NOW TO AVOID DISAPPOINTMENT!
FURTHER NEWS!
The owners of these Pound-shops deserve a kick up the pants, not to mention getting done under the Trade Description Act. Wandering around Huddersfield today I chanced upon a Poundshop. Thinking this might be something I could do in my spare time I approached the checkout, proffered my pound coin and told the assistant that I would take one Pound-shop and a couple of carrier bags. Imagine my amazement when she called the manager who told me “clear of you bloody nutter!”
Saw this at the flea market today for only 50p. A bargain!
The owners of these Pound-shops deserve a kick up the pants, not to mention getting done under the Trade Description Act. Wandering around Huddersfield today I chanced upon a Poundshop. Thinking this might be something I could do in my spare time I approached the checkout, proffered my pound coin and told the assistant that I would take one Pound-shop and a couple of carrier bags. Imagine my amazement when she called the manager who told me “clear of you bloody freak!”
....no really it has! Look.....
The Victory! Will look great on a hat!
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