REMINDER: DEALS WITH MILITARY THEMES AND CONTAINS MATERIAL THAT SOME PEOPLE MAY FIND DEFENSIVE
Date: Wednesday 9th September 2020
Location: Iqueea (Some sort of Swiss company anyway)
Specifically: Hiding behind the counter in the bedding department where I'm working undercover.
Every day literally millions of shoppers across the UK will enter the premises of some of the largest and most prestigious stores on the high street. Many will take a leisurely stroll around the numerous tempting displays perhaps looking to buy a special gift for someone, purchase essential items for an upcoming holiday or simply just to treat themselves. But it has now come to our attention that, until recently, these stores held a monstrous secret; a dark practice that is guaranteed to send shockwaves throughout the UK. We at Captain Victory can now reveal that these much loved retailers are actually selling LIVE AMMUNITION to anyone willing to pay their extortionate prices!
I first encountered this practice in a well known chemists shop when I spotted a lady secreting a suspicious looking cylindrical shaped object into a pocket hidden in her fur scarf before making a dash for the exit. On her tail was a burly security guard who I guessed must have weighed in at an astonishing 85 pounds! He was shouting "Oi come back ere' I need to have a look in your muff!" (an action for which he was later severely reprimanded for lewd and suggestive conduct). Fortunately my fast actions saved the day as I barred her path until the security guard caught up and retrieved the potentially deadly object. "Oh no I'm so sorry but it had my mother in laws name and when I got home I planned to let her have it!" "What?!" "You murderous swine" I exclaimed "It was lucky I arrived when I did!" She looked at me strangely. I returned the look wondering why her MIL was called 'Pussy Whipped'
It was the case everywhere retailers were not only selling the cartridges but had them on open display in their shops!! In racks designed especially for the purpose! My initial thoughts were that the sale of these things would be restricted - perhaps sold only to people in possession of a firearm licence. I chose one at random and took it to the counter. The assistant simply said "£12.99 please and would you like it gift wrapped". The brazenness! It was as if they had no idea of the destruction that these things could cause. I said "what? that's it?" "you're just going to pop it in a bag and let me walk out of the shop" "can't stop yer love if you've paid for it". "But don't you realise how dangerous this is in the wrong hands?" "Aye it's pretty lethal alright she replied "I tried one out on my boyfriend last night and blew him away with it!" "My God" I said "you should be behind bars" "Ooh spot on luv I actually work part-time as a barmaid" I left at that point but not before making a note of her name for future reference. I will keep an eye on Miss R (Happy to Help) Ellis !
That day I entered a total of 26 stores. Every single one of them were selling the gaily coloured ammunition. Not only that it was on open display in stands especially designed for the purpose! At one point I actually witnessed a shopper BLATANTLY rifling through the cartridges and smiling as if she found the whole thing amusing! This was too much. I approached the counter at one particular store, thumped my fist up and down on the counter a few times and demanded to see the manager. "My God you reprobate you should be ashamed. What is the point having cigarettes under lock and key while you have shotgun cartridges on display in the window!?" What on earth are you thinking selling live ammunition where anyone can see it?" "I've just seen a woman in the process of buying several and actually grinning about it and earlier on I caught a person trying to steal one so that she could go home to murder her mother in law!"
By the time I got outside the shop I had almost lost the power of speech. The girl that served me earlier plus the other shop assistants I had witnessed over the course of my observations left a lot to be desired in the personality department. Whatever happened to the pleasant and friendly 'customer-comes-first sales staff'. Just look at this bloody lot. Looks like a line up at a mad scientists rally.
A MISCARRIAGE OF JUSTICE
Stunningly beautiful school administrator, mother of two, Steampunk and self-confessed lunatic ("I'm a little bit crazy"), Ellie Toplaz is being investigated by police on the grounds that she is modelling without being formally qualified. When challenged about this on the grounds that modelling is based on physical and personal abilities rather than qualifications Chief Inspector Seymour Mamilla told reporters "eh? .... er......nonsense, there was a law came out in 1806 that states that women were not allowed to have their likeness created in public". When our reporters told him that this law related only to paintings he argued "Paintings were just the forerunner of photography and the law still stands today" he looked at his watch and said "goodness is that the time?"and hurried back to his office.
Not wishing to find herself with a criminal record Ellie reported to police headquarters. At the conclusion of her interrogations she told us "I was not really required to say anything during questioning but I did have my photo taken several times by both the inspector and about 32 police officers on the grounds that "they needed the practice" My understanding was that only head and shoulders were required for a mugshot but I was asked to bring a number of outfits and adopt various poses. However I took the view that the police know what they're doing and allowed them to get on with it. I could not understand why this process took 74 days and involved shouting "Phwoooarrrrrr" every time a photo was taken"
EXCLUSIVE: AILEEN WUORNOS STILL ALIVE
Aileen Wuornos convicted serial killer and cult hero is still alive according to a recent report by the reverend Borldyfayce-Lyaa head of the 'Society Concerning Alternative Theories' (SCAT) Aileen was supposedly convicted and executed by lethal injection for the murder of 7 men who she argued were killed in self-defence. When Borldyfayce-Lyaa was asked "What are you talking about? her death was witnessed by 15 people following which she was cremated. The only place you'll find any part of her now is under a tree in Michegan" he replied "but there are loads of pictures of her on Google, I've seen her being interviewed on You Tube and only yesterday I saw her shopping in Wal-Mart". Our reporter then asked "you're just making this up aren't you? at which point Borldyfayce went very pale and announced he was going to "run along now to confirm a recent sighting of Michael Jackson".
THERE'S A GUY WORKS DOWN THE CHIP SHOP SWEARS HE'S ELVIS
On a lighter note a Staffordshire man has complained that he has become the subject of much unwanted attention as a result of constantly being mistaken for the late Elvis Presley, "It was flattering at first said Billy Logan, but now it's getting really annoying.
People used to be content with the odd photograph or a signature on the back of a bus ticket but now they're expecting me to gyrate my hips in a suggestive fashion, wear rhinestone outfits (bit impractical since I'm a bricklayer) and sing 'Old Shep' while nursing a stuffed german shepherd (dog that is)" Billy has asked us to publish his photo to inform people once and for all that he is not the king of rock n roll!
FAMOUS CRAP HAIRCUTS
No 2: Wayne Cochran - Singer 1960's
Really? you really need an explanation about why this mop has been included? Funny thing is though he must have been proud of his hair because it took up around 85% of the space on his record covers. Ah well it was probably a cool style in the 60's!
Fun Fact: His hair was considered so fascinating that a famous fairground confectionery was named after it! (Pic 2 Above)
Fun Fact: Wayne was so proud of his hair that he would often remove it and take it out for walks! (Pic 3 above)
His hair took up around 85% of the space on his record covers
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