*May contain adult themes and material which some people may find offensive*
Date: Sunday 3rd November 2019
Location: Back in the Hudd
Specifically: Milnsbridge, after giving up on Elsecar and it’s boy racer, drug peddling, pet smuggling, gun running, steamy windows car park 😤
Woke up this morning feeling as knackered as a ninety year old knocked up by a ninja. Would have been quite tempted and happy just to loaf around in one place all day. Except that Alex is sat opposite nursing a hangover and looks about as appealing as a 'Do it Yourself' castration booth at a ‘Take Pride in your Testicles’ rally.
It is time to do something thrilling, exciting and positively life changing! And with that I nip down to Aldi for a bit of shopping. At least the fresh air might wake me up for a bit.
I won’t bore you with details, I’m guessing you must all be familiar with shopping - wander around with a list of things you need, then return with a trolley full of stuff that you don’t. I was actually doing quite well Needs= 3, wants = 37! Until I saw this!!!
Well talk about a whole new level of depravity!!! Beyoncé banging her bouncing breasts in Burma!!! WTAF!!! I mean - I hear people whinging and whining about refugees and asylum seekers, drugs issues, the rise in gun and knife crime, problems with gangs and the like but never NEVER would I have thought I would see the day when something like this would find its way onto a supermarket shelf in the good old British Isles!!!!!
Places like; China, Japan, Vietnam, Cambodia and Cleethorpes for sure. I mean they guzzle that sort of shit down by the bucket load. But good old Blighty - no, NO NO!
But really, we all should have seen this coming. The name ALDI - sounds innocuous enough - but did you ever wonder what ALDI actually means or where the name comes from? Here’s my theory ALDI is an acronym for Animal Liberation Dies Inevitably. In other words they are opposed to animal rights (swines!) So....big clue right there. Fuck - the name even sounds a bit like someone who could be the relative of a dictator like Adolf Hitler!” Aldi/Adolf close enough to be worrying isn’t it?
OMG!!!! Look what’s further along on the same shelf!! Chocolate Mousse!!!! Bastards!!! Heartless bastards - not only have they murdered possibly hundreds if not thousands of poor innocent mice by placing a little gas mask on them followed by a good dose of Zyclon B the swines have actually coated them in chocolate as well. I mean, come on, it’s one thing dipping Brussels sprouts In chocolate to give to kids on Halloween but mice!! I mean, what the hell!!? So I've got to ask myself "what else are they selling?"
Morbid curiosity gets the better of me and I wander round to see what else is lurking on the innocuous looking shelves. Sadly, it doesn’t take long, as I wander round I spot numerous other horrors; Lion Bar!! Oh no! They're even starting on the endangered species list! Penguin! Argh!!! Poor little things - mugged on their own little patch of frozen wasteland! Birds IN custard (Hah! So that’s what the lumps are!!) they don’t fool me just because they’ve deliberately missed out the ‘in’, Irn Bru - hmm sounds safe enough but what’s this in tiny letters under the name? “made in Scotland - from girders“ Girders!!! Ye Gods what in the world are they feeding us!? Shelf further down - Cow & Gate Cow!? Gate!? I feel proper poorly, so bad I need to get out of here right now.
I really can’t take any more, my eyes mist with tears, anger rises within me, a scream escapes from my throat, I prostrate myself on the ground beating my fists on the floor screaming why!? Why!? Why!? A Blonde haired assistant approaches me. She asks “are you alright?”. Through my tears I struggle to make out her name it’s definitely Eva something. I squint my eyes to see better but can only make out the letters Br—n. ’Eva Braun’ Jesus H Christ Hitler’s reincarnated wife!!
With that I push past her and race outside as fast as my legs can carry me, I’m conscious of knocking over several customers on the way but it can’t be helped, my only conscious thought is to escape this murder hole never to return again!!
In my haste I run straight into a police officer who asks why I’m in such a hurry. Clinging desperately onto his tunic, gesticulating wildly I tell him “Mercy!! You have to go in that store and make arrests! Aldi personnel are murderers who kill animals! they cover mice in chocolate and cook birds in custard. They are even selling us food made from building materials and creaky old farmyard equipment and the CEO is a reincarnated dictator who’s married to Eva Braun who works here as a checkout assistant!!!!
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