Deep Freeze

*May contain adult themes and material which some people may find offensive*

Date: Saturday 2nd November 2019

Location: Doncaster

Specifically: The Wool Market

Actually woke early for Captain Victory’s day at Doncaster Wool Market (well, give or take half an hour of lying under the duvet wondering who on earth invented mornings and who do we sue!?).

Jumped out of the moho on arrival (Though on reflection it might have been better to wait until it had stopped) and the first thing I hear is this snippet of conversation;

”it’s abahrt steampunk”

”what’s that?

“dunt know but it’s reight fuckin weird”

Yeeeeees......we’ve all heard this sort of thing before haven’t we!? Usually from people who are not overburdened with intelligence. Dunno about you but this is my theory about the authors of these great words of wisdom.

Steampunks are a social group that fall way outside the frame of reference of these cabbage eared brown nosing little candle-wick dicks. Y’see - they have a very simplistic view of the world (to match their little brains which are so dim they would make a 2 watt bulb look like a plane spotters searchlight) with regards appearances. Men should dress this way and women should dress that way. End of.

If anyone falls outside this frame of reference - like steampunks f’rinstance - this bone domed nebulous little fizz fart of a ‘man’, with the physog of a chewed wellington and all the appeal of a night spent in the ass crack of a bilious Orang-u-tan with galloping dysentery, is faced with a choice. He can accept that his frame requires expansion or he can confine himself within it‘s boundaries convinced that nothing exists beyond them.

Sadly, for this tepid little stain, he is much too terrified of stepping into the unknown, and so he remains where he feels safe.

To do this successfully he has to make it appear that people like himself are ’normal’ while others i.e steampunks have the problem. So he, and others like him, will describe steampunks very vocally, in derogatory terms, as ‘weird’. This creates the idea in his mind that steampunks have the problem, he is normal and can therefore get on with his life.

Or to put it simply he is a thick little twat.

Lets move on to other things.

I am becoming more and more convinced that steampunks are prize winners when it comes to; innuendo, double entendres and the like. A customer approaches my pitch asking about customised guns. I show her a big one (see you’re doing it already aren’t you!?) and the lady at the next one brings out a smaller version saying “Im sure your large one will beat my little tiny one“. Laughter erupts from all and sundry.

Now take this scenario. I notice that a large bulb I used on the end of my weapon has fallen off (Oh for Christ sake give me a chance!). I don’t have any glue with me, but fortunately one of my friends whose pitch is nearby has some glue that I can use. Unfortunately there isn’t much left and the tip has become blocked.

I shake the tube furiously to loosen the glue then use the pin to loosen the nozzle. Success!! Until I notice that the glue is white. More shaking and finally the glue makes an appearance, unfortunately not just on the gun but all over my trousers. “Ooh look it’s all white” says one trader “you need to wipe that white stuff off your trousers” says another shrieks of laughter from one or two others who I would rather not make eye contact with. Seriously just how much mileage can you get out of spilling a bit of white coloured glue on you!?

The glue has also leaked out of the gun part that I stuck down - it is not helped by the fact that this part is bulb shaped - I am also given a tissue along with a suggestion to wipe the glue off. Big mistake - picture the scene, me sat there with a gun in my hands with an enormous bulb on the end covered in a white sticky substance and I’m furiously rubbing the end (look do you want me to finish this or not!!!?).

I was so embarrassed and believe me that wasn’t even the end of it!

...,but I think I need to move on again, sharpish as well!!’

Now I like to think of myself as an honest guy - not too honest you understand, I have no desire to be brutal. Give you an example - if someone asks me "does my bum look big in this?"I am not going to say "Does it!? Too bleedin' right it does - paint the fucker grey, stick a trunk on the top and your trips to the zoo will never be the same again! No - I am more likely to say "why no, your bottom looks rather cute in that dress Eric". Polite, honest, and diplomatic (or Phd) thats me - and those letters show I are intelligunt az wel.

So, asawaz saying I am tactful and diplomatic. But we all make mistakes from time to time and I am no exception; so I have to be honest and say that I might have made a couple in my lifetime as well. Having said that, there are mistakes and there are great big horrible, ugly mistakes that make your tongue go furry, your teeth grind, your eyes water and cause your friends to run away. Today, as you will have already guessed, was one of those days.

Outside it was pouring with rain; It was also cold, wet and windy (which sounds like certain people I know). You would not consider this an issue given that we were inside The Wool Market, but unfortunately is was because there was some sort of technical issue with the heating (I doff my titfer to whoever invented the word 'technical', because that is one hell of a damned fine word when you think about it; it gets you (or more usually the powers that be such as; organisers, management, the government, members of the committee and any type of senile oligarchy bringing up the rear) out of just about anything from minor difficulties to major disasters.

"Didn't do me 'omework Miss 'coz we 'ad a testicle difficulty with me dads commuter",

"Snalezpaece Rail apologise to passengers for their train being delayed by 14 hours and 26 minutes. We regret this is due to a technical problem on the line .... (crackle.... crackle) caused by the chief engineer telling his staff "fuck this it's pissing down lets go for a pint until it stops, passengers'l be alreet on't train" (pzzfrr.........pzzzzz) "will somebody turn off that bloody microphone!"

"NASA apologises for the loss of 23 billion pounds worth of space equipment, the closure of 12 research centres, a 2 year delay in the space program and the loss of a few astronauts who snuffed it when their rocket exploded" We regret this was due to a technical error.

"Today the multi-million pound organisation confirmed that its CEO Cyril Kizzarz will be allowed to continue to receive his £30,000 a week salary increase since this was due to a technical error"

"why I'm so very sorry Mr & Mrs Caldecott but your Shirley was machine gunned by the post office - the result of a technical difficulty we believe".

Anyway - where was I? Yeah, so it was bloody freezing inside, (heating appliances had been bought in but because someone forgot about them they never got turned on - clearly the result of a technical error. Concessions were made, of course, with the offer of a free pitch at a future market, a gesture that was well received, but for now some of the traders were trembling like frozen turkeys during a famine. I mean - look at these two! The first is lovely lady and good friend Linda and the man lying underneath her (In the photo! In the photo! Jesus!) is my friend Lol! (Lawrence in case you thought I was just trying to be funny - laugh out loud funny! Also notice how they are both wrapped up warm to protect them against technical errors.

LOL (as in Lawrence not laugh out loud)

OK - Everyone loves a joke so I’m going to share a couple told to me by Laurence Owen.

But before that I’m going to tell you a little about him.

Actually let‘s just have one teeny weeny little joke!

Teenage boy arrives home after a visit to his girlfriend; his dad tells him he’s late and that his dinner is ready. “These fishcakes are nice” he says to his dad. Dad says “go and wash your filthy hands right now son those are doughnuts”.

Like many people who trade at steampunk festivals Laurence is multi talented - not only is he a great teller of jokes but he also makes a range of exquisite customised lighting, ornaments and artwork.

Conscious (most of the time 😂) that customer confidence is increased when an appliance can be seen working, is guaranteed to work and operate safely Lawrence ensures that all his items are PAT tested (Personal Appliance Testing).

He is also an author and a poet!! - a very funny author and poet! He has currently completed two books ‘The Hill’ about the adventures of the people who live on an area known as ‘The Hill’ and ‘I’ve Come About Your Dad’ a series of stories and anecdotes taken from his time in chapel where he was responsible for overseeing the burial of 500 people. This covers brave territory in tackling, not just a taboo subject that most people find difficult to talk about but also in dealing with the controversial issue of humour in death”

Heavy stuff???

Lets end with a joke....

Timmy has an interview with the school careers advisor. “What would you like to do when you leave school Timmy!”

“Be a brickie“

“Your dad was a painter wasn’t he?”

“Aye - most of his life“

”But you want to be a brickie?”

”Yes”

”Very good, very good” He did other jobs as well didn't he?”

”Yes he worked at a steel factory and he did woodwork”

”Very good” “but you want to be a brickie?

”Yes”

“So what was the last thing your dad did before he died“

“He turned blue and shit on the floor“

BUGGER!

To be fair we all make mistakes and, though it may surprise you Ive even been known to make one or two of them myself. I’ve hunted around the dusty archives of my brain and discovered a faux-pa I once made recently.,,,,,er... just now in fact 🥺

.... related to these two splendidly dressed people - If you don't know them or haven't met them allow me to introduce you. This is Mich and Derrick. It is always good to meet friends (as well as make new ones) at events....

....It is usually a good idea to try and keep them as well.

To make matters worse (Q: could I possibly make them worse? A: Oh yes! ) . Derek was also one of the very first people to sign up to my blog. I cannot afford to upset him. So here we all were Derek, Mitch and I chatting in the Wool Market. Conversation turns to the weather (as it always does at some point during any conversations which take place in Great Britain). I notice there is a contrast between the (mainly) black clothing worn by Mitch and Derek and the paleness of peoples faces as a result of the cold.

Usual scenario - I don't engage ny brain before opening my trap. I say to Mitch “the cold making your face pale works great against your dark clothing - though not so much in Michaels case“. Oh fuck!! And I used to teach anti-prejudice education. Fortunately Derek sees the funny side. I can only stand there cringing snd apologising.

Until tomorrow!!