Deals with adult themes and contains material that some people may find offensive.
Date: Saturday 22nd August 2020
Location: Northwood
Specifically: Shropshire
BABY CABBAGE
Winding my way around Wem when I happened to overhear a conversation between a mum pushing a baby in a pram and (I presume) her friend. It was the usual sort of exchange you hear when someone has bought a new life into the world - A 'Crotch Goblin' as my mate Kat commented recently
“Oh hi Shezzy!” (don’t look at me I’m not in charge of naming people) “I was just out for an afternoons shoplifting when I saw you passing. Is this the new addition to your family? Isn’t he just just absolutely gorgeous?
“Oh yes I’m just so proud of my little man !”
At this point Shezzy (🙄) bends over to within about three centimetres from babies face.
“Oh he’s definitely got your eyes hasn’t he?”.
“Yes and he’ll have your nose if you get any nearer to his face”.
Shezzy puts her face even closer (despite having only a few millimetres to play with)
“eez dot going to gwab by dose are you? are you? You gorgeous little boy?”
At which point baby grabs her nose in both hands and gives it a squeeze.
“Ow you little s**t”
“What did you say?”
“I said I’d better be going my Tommy needs new school kit”.
Mummy waves her friend off and agrees the two will catch up later.
Now what intrigues me about these sort of conversations is 1) this shrivelled little anthropomorphised lump in the pram could not possibly be described as “absolutely gorgeous”. Sure there is some semblance of a face amongst the wrinkles, flaky skin and dribbles of snot in that two eyes are just about visible, a mouth (albeit one dribbling with mucus) and some sort of mound in the middle that I think is a nose but overall the only thing this resembles is a cauliflower (a mutated pink cauliflower but still). And 2) quite how Shezzy (pwa ha ha ha ha!) concludes that “he has your eyes” is beyond me. Unless mummy is in the habit of wandering around peering out at the world through a couple of sleep encrusted slits.
It’s a strange phenomena this beautifying of new borns. One of three things in this world about which you absolutely must not complain or criticise - new brides and dead bodies being the other two.
“such a lovely service Mia looks absolutely stunning”
“well that’s very nice of you to say so love but the wedding is next door this is our Janets funeral".
Oops
I decided to put this to the test. I bet if I put something in a pram and dress it in pink or blue people would approach and tell me how gorgeous he/she is and how he/she looks like mummy or daddy. With this in mind I looked around the shops for something suitable...
A marrow
I could give it a pair of arms and legs, stick a dolls head on it and dress it in a onesy. But the green colour might have people thinking it's a sick baby and requires treatment.
Bag of Flour
Ultimately pointless since it's self-raising.
Large Yorkshire Pudding
Nah - looks too much like the real thing.
After much searching I found what I was looking for. A doggy! A pug - perfect. Same size and shape as a baby, similar in appearance with rheumy eyes, dribbly mouth and a wet nose, bleaghhhh horrible thing. I wrapped it in a blanket, stuck it in a pushchair and we were off.
Hadn’t gone ten feet! Group of schoolgirls on the way home (from school I presume). “Wowsers what a gorgeous baby. Is it a boy or a girl?"
“It’s actually a dog”.
“That’s disgusting - just because they can't talk yet doesn't mean they can't still understand what your'e saying!"
“No really it’s a dog”.
“Shame on you, we’re reporting you to social services!”.
“You should make that the RSPCA”.
I stop for a coffee. Sign says ‘NO DOGS’. Now we’ll see. Guy in the queue says “here mate I’ll hold your baby for you you look like you need a sit down”. I order coffee, the guy is rubbing noses with the dog.
“Awww who’s a little sweetie eh? and whats your name then?
“Cynthia” I tell him.
“Hello Cynthia would oo like sum milk den eh? Eh? “Who’s a good little girl?”
“It’s a boy”........"And he prefers dog biscuits”.
He doesn’t believe me and goes to stroke Cynthia. Cynthia sinks his teeth into the guys arm.
The guy laughs “Aww you cheeky little monkey” “he’s a feisty little chap isn’t he?” ”now if you’ll excuse me I’d better get to the hospital where i’ll probably need about 37 stitches in my arm”. (Another curious phenomenon - if the same thing had been done by another bloke this guy would have knocked his teeth down his throat).
Bus stop. Pleasant elderly lady.
“Hello” she says to Cynthia. "Well aren’t you just the most well behaved little boy?” “and what a lovely big smile you have” Awww you are so lucky”. "My my but his eyes seem a little bloodshot and his teeth are so long"
“Yes that's because he's really a wolf and he takes after his mother”
CRASH OR HYMIE TO THE RESCUE (ALL TRUE!)
I'm returning from Aldi (not setting foot in the Co-op again after my experience on Monday) As I get close to the farm I see a little old lady parked up at the side of the road. It looks unusual because it’s a quiet country road not the sort of place anyone would normally park - unless there was some kind of problem. She also seems agitated pacing up and down, walking away from her car then back again. Some kind of tea dance? Dunno - but I can sense Hymie wants me to stop to see if we can help (me? I just want to get back to the farm and sample my new ginger biscuits)
Thats when I notice another vehicle. But this one is in a field and appears to be parked at an awkward angle in front of a tree. Oh no! I can't look! There's only one reason someone (I can't say 'thing' in front of Hymie) nips under the shade of a tree and that's .... you know...er to answer a call (don't make me spell it out!). I pull up a few yards in front of LOL (I know what a great acronym) and get out - can’t hurt to see if she’s alright. I assume the field is on her property and that maybe she's isn't fond of battered cars parking next to her chrysanthemums and having a wee under her bush.
Taking a closer look I realise that whoever the driver was he isn’t parked under the tree - he’s crashed into it. The tyre marks where he came off the road are clearly visible. Whoever it was must have been going at some speed because there was considerable damage to some very thick bushes and small trees along the path. There’s also a large dent on the wing on the drivers side presumably the point of impact.
I seized the opportunity to take a few photos while I was there which this lady thought was a very good idea, especially as she didn’t have her camera with her. I didn’t have the heart to tell her they were destined for my blog and Hymie just wants a shot at getting his picture in the paper.
It turns out the lady lives just down the road opposite a pub called the ‘Horse & Jockey’. Literally round the corner from Sean and Ali’s farm! What do you know eh? I’m starting to get to know the locals!!
She promised to ring the police. I left her to it saying that she knew where I was if I could assist any further. With that Hymie and me set of down the lane me waving good bye with my left hand (useless in a right hand drive vehicle) and Hymie flashing his indicators (which I must speak to him about - you can get put in prison for that sort of thing).
DR KATPUSS
I have mentioned my dear friend Kat on many occasions throughout my blog - usually in relation to her art. I have also talked about the speed at which she comes up with ideas and brings those ideas to fruition - masks and stuffed ‘mousies’ being just a couple of cases in point.
But recently I have found myself thinking “how is she able to produce so many items? Almost on a daily basis her Facebook profile has new photos of things she’s produced and offered for sale at outlets such as eBay and local business premises. Here is a photo I took inside her studio! Each box contains. 500 mousie’s! I ask you just how could one person possibly produce this volume of proddy? Kat must have some sort of unique ability.!?
I get how a team of artists working around the clock might be able to achieve the level of stock turnover Kat manages - but on her own??? How is it even humanly possible? Do elves work for her during the night, do fairies grant her wishes, does she have access to ‘Diagon Alley’ as Harry Potter does which enables her to purchase a wand from Olivander's (Makers of fine wands!) and simply magic the items out of thin air? I was determined to find out.
And, yes. I did discover the answer. Prepare to be amazed as this very day I can reveal that.....
Kat is none other than a close relative of Dr Octopus - an arch enemy of the super-hero Spiderman (Oh no what a zillion volt shocker!) Dr Octopus (aka Dok Ock) is a scientific genius in the field of atomic science who possesses three sets of arms - his original pair plus two mechanical appendages over which he has psychokinetic control. I confronted him at his place of work and asked if he could confirm this; he responded “look can’t you wait until I’m on my tea break I’ve only got one pair of hands you know”. Hah funny guy I thought as without warning he grabbed me around the throat and pulled my right leg out, my right leg in, in out, in out and shaking me all about while making himself a coffee and installing a new dishwasher.
No investigator worth his coconuts will ignore online research and I are no expectoration. I soon discovered that Kat is making and selling body parts!! Don’t believe me? Look at the evidence. Here is a set of animal tails and big furry ears (see above) !! It doesn’t take much imagination to know that she’s capable of making octopus arms for other people as well. You want proof. Just look at this photo that I took of a clandestine meeting. The guy on the right is none other than Colin Marris carpet fitter extraordinaire who once fitted 6 carpets for me all at the same time and in under five minutes! Now I know how he did it!
And finally!! In order to eradicate any lingering doubts I present to you - the confession! (Shock! Awe!) All the way through my investigations Kat has totally denied that she uses her amazing skills to aid her in her work.
“Look will you totally f**k off! I’m just a girl (albeit a wild, freaky and totally insane one who wants to live in a forest and have a boyfriend who’s a werewolf but that’s not the point) who is buzzing with ideas and passionate about my work!”
However I confronted her with the evidence and put it to her
“........... you do you have just the traditional one pair of arms don’t you?”
This was her response...
“two pairs like a *skeksis! Keep them hidden”
And there you have it dear readers. The confession. Proof positive that Kat works like a woman possessed because she has several pairs of arms that she controls with her mind and is related to a mad scientist who hangs out with a guy who climbs up buildings because he was once bitten by a spider....
"hey where are you going???.
"What?? No I'm not making it up".
OK I might have exaggerated a tiny bit""
Hey don't walk away from me when I'm talking to you"
"Ooh I am so not a knobhead"
"How dare you"
"How triple dog dare you"
etc
*A species featured in ‘The Dark Crystal’ who are described as part reptile, part predatory bird and part dragon. They have two pairs of arms. (They also have three willies but when I asked Kat about this she refused to comment).
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