Date: Sat 6th Feb 2021
Location: Huddersfield
Specifically: Milnsbridge
Mood: Aye not too bad as it happens. I can see my breath every time I breath out, but at least it makes nice patterns in the air, and I can pretend I’m smoking a Cuban cigar!
WARNING: CONTAINS MATERIAL THAT SOME LADIES AND GENTLEMAN MAY FIND OFFENSIVE. HOWEVER YOU CAN IGNORE THAT AND JUST CARRY ON READING.
Now, I don’t know about you.....
Actually I don’t know about you do I? I mean, you could be anybody. You might be a crazy person, a hoodlum or a talking cat or a celebrity trampolining mongoose or even a hip hop dancing quail or an alien who gets of on bathing in whelks because it‘s a luxury pastime on his home planet of PissTAKE-LD50 Scary when you think about it isn’t it???
Sorry, some strange things go through my head when I’m waking up.
And so.......back on earth....
What a start to the morning. I make tentative plans for the day from the safety of my duvet. First item on the list, groceries, from one of those shops that sell ‘essential items’. I assume this means a sizeable quantity of food stock, but some stores seem to be taking liberties. A couple of wobbly shelves devoted to limp sandwiches, tinned goods from countries of indeterminate origin, and a few jars of what appear to be leftovers from a number of surgical procedures.
I also consider taking a walk to Aspley Wharf Marina, just outside the town centre and opposite Huddersfield University. It fascinates me because I often wonder what its doing there. On one level I shouldn’t be surprised. After all, the Colne river runs alongside. But seeing boats bobbing around in (more or less) the town centre, to me, equates to using a pair of table tennis bats to guide aeroplanes into a car park.
Having said that, on all the ocassions I’ve been to Huddersfield, I’ve only ever once visited, and technically that was to visit the Aspley Pub, because Alex fancied one of the barmaids. As for the boats bobbing about on the water it was too dark to see any colour or detail - or any boats for that matter. We could have been looking at the silhouettes of undergarments flapping on a washing line for all I could see.
These ideas lose there appeal the moment I step outside (or fall outside given that the steps still won’t extend or retract) The rain batters my skin, as if it had been blasted from a cannon loaded with frozen peas and the wind is so ferocious I feel like I’m taking a stroll around the inside of a particle accelerator. Excuse while I nip back to the warmth of my duvet. I will see you in a quarter of a year!
CONVERSATIONS WITH ALEX
Today’s conversation kicks off with my having a new battery delivered and fitted by the AA. I’ve given them Alex’s address.......
“Morning chum! Theres a chance the AA will come to yours (as they might not notice my 25 ft moho) if they do just send them over to me. Thanks matey!!”
“Oaf”
“OK boss. If they can find mine. Twat.”
“Its OK they found me. Despite confirmation that the battery was being delivered the AA man still has to go back to Hudd to bring one. World’s being run by fucking baboons mate, fucking baboons I tell you!!!”
“They are all incompetent clowns. Destroy the bastards.”
“Destroy the bastards? Can I wait ‘til he’s put the battery in?”
“No. Do it now. Fuck the battery. This is more important.”
“Hmm doesn’t sound quite right but if you say now is the right time, I’ll do it! But if I can’t get my heating on or anything won’t I die from hypothermia?”
“You will die but it'll be worth it, just to take a stand against all the injustice. You'll be remembered as a hero. Honest.”
“Wow really!? Thats brilliant! I knew you wouldn’t let me down. You are absolutely amazing. So will I get a medal n a place on the roll of honour, and mentioned by the queen n be on telly n stuff!?”
“Yes. Anyway I'm off out for a bit. You have my key if you need to get in for any reason. Tosser.”
“Now you really are being too kind!! I think the best thing is, if you could make a list of stuff you have thats worth a few bob, I can come in and liberate it the next time you go out. This will save me having to wallop you over the head with a tyre iron and constantly stepping over you while as you lie unconscious on the living room carpet.”
“OK well there's some shitty old printer that some nameless c**t left behind here last year.” (He’s referring to a printer that I left behind in case you hadn’t guessed) “Take that if you like. I've only smashed it to bits a few times so you might get fifty pence for it.”
“Good lord! Fifty pence I must have it. Hand it to me the moment I next see you and I will do you the courtesy of not only not battering you but giving you forty pounds for it! I assume you are still correct in your recent assertion that fifty pence is a euphemism for £100 during the pandemic?”
“Excellent. Plus the 25 quid a month storage fee.”
“Exquisite, most exquisite young sir and if I might venture to ask what is the total storage fee required by your good self?”
“A thousand pounds”
“I tell him to go fornicate with himself. We’ll pick up the conversation another time!
HEATING PROBLEMS
Sods law rears its ugly head again as I turn on the engine only to discover the fans have packed up. No fans + no heating getting through = totally freezing. In addition to this new disaster, I’m also without the internal gas heating, hot water. I also have a broken tap, lights not working on the side of the freezer and the fridge light has blown. I take the most direct route to fixing the problem. I moan on Facebook....
“Hi
Not at the North pole but it b****y well feels like it. I have just surfaced from underneath my duvet long enough to send out this quick SOS (Stop our Shivering) to ask if anyone knows of any type of heating I can use in light of the following ...
No EHU
Dashboard blowers not working
Internal heating is buggered and no one wants to repair it.
No manual
Owner (i.e. moi) suffers from technological incompetence and profound stupidity.
I do have an inverter but it got nervous with the 2K fan heater I tried recently and didn’t work.
Thank you in advance everyone. Stay safe and warm! 🤗
The suggestions are mind boggling - and unexpected. Most popular answer is the diesel heater, if you’re interested. Sounds great given the high number of positive comments, but since they need fitting I don’t want to go buggering about until the present issues are fixed. Lets look at some of the others...
Linda Miles informs me ...
“Cheap and quick , flower pots with tea light in , warms up the pot and keeps you toasty”
I respond by saying ....
“I like the sound of these more unusual ideas (actually I don’t much care as long it’s keeping appendages in place that are threatening to drop off) I never considered purchasing a plant pot and a set of tea lights. Should one avail oneself of some sort of lid in order to prevent my getting caught in the flame and having to run into the street with my arse on fire?”
Another suggestion...
“Nothing beats a lovely wood burner”
Sounds cosy. Also sounds like it requires a deeper understanding of DIY than I have at present, my limits of which are; bonding things with Prit-Stick, hanging pictures (providing someone else fits the hook!) and connecting up to a maximum of three pieces of lego. I decide a tactful/neutral response is called for ....
“I’ve only just got back from the shops with my candle and plant pot! Right a wood burner is it? OK 👍”
Another one I haven't come across before is this one - the Portable Gas Heater. Sounds like the best answer so far. £50 on eBay with 4 gas cartridges.
I then receive this suggestion (below). My first response is that he’s having a laugh, not to mention using an awful lot of gas...
“I don’t even turn my heater on and I live in my motorhome. When I get home from work I fill three hot water bottles. I wrap my pyjama bottoms and top in the first two and place these in a line down the centre of the bed. The third goes where my feet will be.I then place my quilt over them. When I’m ready to get into bed, I put my pyjamas on, then line my hot water bottles in a row down my left hand side. Hope this helps.”
In the meantime I follow a link for a diesel heater suggested by one ‘Fah Flunng’ from China. I request a quote for supplying and fitting but he messages back to say he has one, not that he fits them! Still, I see an opportunity to get some mileage out of it......
“ah sorry - in that case I followed the link and messaged the company. I'm OK waiting on this bench for the time being.”
Finally it’s always good to thank people for their help. A courtesy that seems to be fast disappearing. I have no idea why because it’s a courtesy that benefits everyone. If you’ve given advice, it’s good to know it’s been appreciated and if it’s been received you benefit from a problem sorted.
"Hi
Would just like to say a really big thank you to everyone who offered help and advice re my heating difficulties. I’m a technological/mechanical dunce who probably shouldn’t be let loose with lego never mind 25 ft of Hymer B654. In the end I took everyones advice. I have the engine ticking over, ordered a diesel heater (arriving Tues), a fan heater (for when I use ehu) a portable heater, a 15 tog duvet (best I could get - they don’t do 75 tog unfortunately) new winter coat and a pair of gloves. Apparently the only thing missing is a plant pot with a candle in it but on my way to the shops now. Thanks again everyone!" 🤗
EAT YOUR CAKE OR WEAR IT!
Local lady Mrs Hazel McTeedle-Fruitcake reported having a great time while out shopping the other day when she came across what she described as "the most wonderful selection of cakes I have seen in many a year". She went on "oh I was just ecstatic" she said, "rarely have I ever seen such attention to detail" "the icing was so Intricate and exquisitely done that I was sure it must have been done with the aid of a microscope"
"Much of the decoration gave the impression that the cakes had been adorned with real lace, the finest silk ribbon and the purest of yarns". "But what really impressed me were the adornments" she exclaimed, "usually the cakes I see are decorated with such things as; sweeties, candles, flowers and topped with 100s and 1000s and the like but these cakes were decorated with; goggles, watches, machine parts, munitions, and adorned with what appeared to be rivets, cogs and wheels that were so realistic they appeared to be made from real leather, brass, copper and burnished steel".
"Being unable to resist I asked one stall holder if she would let me have the recipe for one of her delightful cakes but she just looked at me strangely and asked "are you taking the piss?". I finally resigned myself to the fact that if I wanted a selection of cakes I was just going to have to buy them. The prices were staggering if I'm honest - £135 for the large cakes and £45 for the small ones but my view is that if you want quality you have to pay it and besides you only live once eh?" I finally bought - 3 large ones and a dozen small ones quaintly described as 'mini top hats'. How I laughed when the proprietor of the stall asked me if I would like to try them on before buying them. The cheeky minx!"
"Please see pictures for examples of just some of the wonderful cakes I saw while out shopping!"
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