*Contains adult themes and material which some people may find offensive*
Date: Sunday 8th December 2019
Location: Dumpit sit.....sorry, Castleford.
Castleford 9.30 a.m and I realise that before I am ready to start the day I need to wake up no less than three times.
1. Wake on the alarm
2. Wake up again around 2 hours after pressing the ‘snooze’ button (preferably with a blunt instrument).
3. Wake up following a short nap after breakfast.
It occurs to me, as it should have done months ago, that I am not an adventurer. Scott of the Antarctic may have done much wandering with his chums in below freezing conditions but I need a good hour under a duvet with a hot water bottle just from nipping out for a packet of frozen peas. In truth, therefore, and in keeping with the tradition of Christmas, I am, in fact a, snowflake.
One mans meat is another mans solitary vice - or something like that - as they say, which in my case means I have to cope with some hair raising scenarios...
I wonder if you might like to guess what sort of weather we‘re having in Castleford this morning? Hm? (Be patient not gone off the scenario!)
“Wind” - “Yes!”
“Cold?” - “Yes, good! Come on lets get a list going!“
“Cloudy?” - “Yeeeeess cloudy excellent!”
”Rain?” - “Well done!! Rain yes. In fact it would be more accurate to say it is absolutely pissing down as it has been for months wouldn't it!? But am I phased by this!?
“Nah”
“Do you know why?”
“Because you're under your duvet with a hot water bottle?”
”Look! Why don't you just fuck off you cocky little shit!” “I am not phased by this because I have learned to enjoy the wind!!!“ “Since I moved into my NEW bedroom what is accessed by a pair of neat ladders!! I have really ceased to have any fear of wind!!“
”Thats because you're saving it up under the duvet!”
”Anymore from you and you're out”The reason is because I have discovered just how enjoyable having wind can be!”
“Snort!”
“Right thats it! “fuck off!” “go on out you go“ “fuck off!”
So, as I was saying before my eloquent eruptions were so rudely interrupted by a less than erudite character, lying close to the roof means that in a high wind you can feel the motion of the moho. It‘s like being gently rocked to sleep in a giant cradle or sent to your slumbers by the gentle lapping of ocean waves on a well inflated airbed. Lovely.
Of course high winds are also synonymous with other pitfalls. Take, for example the case of a motorhome owner who has been gormless enough to leave the handbrake off. Then let us suppose this motorhome (at least for the next few moments) is intact but parked somewhat precariously atop a pinnacle of some description.
It is entirely conceivable that, were there to be a sudden gust of wind, the motorhome might topple over the edge on a swift descent into oblivion. At first the driver may display only mild bewilderment as his senses fail to register the subtle change in motion or perspective.
But as he whizzes through the air on his journey his expression will take on a more dramatic appearance as he realises his moho has greatly accelerated and that he is on a collision course with the ground. Its a unique experience - sort of ‘Vlad the Impaler School of Skydiving’.
‘It’s one o clock and time for lunch‘ or so it said in the Genesis song ‘I Know What I Like’ from many years ago (for those who are old enough to remember that is! er.... which I’m not...of course.)
.....actually its nearer 2.30 pm but thats a traders life for you. And you can guarantee that the moment I sit down to eat customers will probably appear, picking things up, putting them down, taking an interest, trying things on, taking things off (just the stuff they tried on of course - no funny business or weird shit!) and - ‘God help us’ - handing over bloody money!! and by the time they've done my sandwich will probably have gone cold (or if I bought a salad it will have gone hot!) and my tea as well, and then I’ll have missed my lunch altogether which cost a stupid amount of money (even though I don’t know what it cost because I haven't actually bought it yet) at some ridiculously overpriced greasy spoon just because some twat bastard wally wanker has added lettuce and a sliver of tomato thinner than a guitar plectrum to food that should never have been acquainted with salad (spit!!!) in the first damned place!!!).
....anyway I’m getting ahead of myself (so sayeth Anne Boleyn) let me back up a notch...
Actually before I get to actually buying any scran, lets talk about Amy Lawrance behind her back (keep the draft off if nowt else). Amy A.K.A ‘The Flying Squadron‘ is the lovely genial lady we often see at Leeds Steampunk Market events who does flying demonstrations with her stunning collection of owls (What is the plural for a lot of owls anyway!?). She also does feeding demonstrations, gives talks, works in schools, does conservation work plus I believe at least one of her owls has been in the movies!! This is one very hardworking and dedicated lady!!!
Youll recognise Amy immediately, not just because she will probably be the only person in attendance holding a big owl (although she usually has at least one helper/assistant with her) or because of her very unique style of dress but because she will probably be engaged in a question and answer session with visitors about her owls - they are after all fascinating creatures who are often heard but rarely seen outside of captivity. Of course not all questions quite hit the mark......
Do you give flying lessons? Can you get me Hedwigs autograph?
How long has Boris Johnson been involved in the Conservativ-ation of owls?
.... but theres nothing owl related that Amy can’t handle. In fact I don’t ever recall seeing her doing something that doesn't involve educating people about owls to some degree. Her work is clearly fuelled by passion!
If you want to discover more about owls, find out where ‘The Flying Squadron’ will next be performing or should you wish to book her for an event. Then you can contact her via her Face Book page.
Right!!! Back to the scoff! Well I can say right of the bat that I will not be buying anything from the two chappies in the red box just outside the entrance to the steampunk market. Why? Because I passed them earlier in the day - just in time to see them nudging each other and taking the wee out of what I was wearing - a pair of nappies, woolly bootees and a hat in the shape of a sunflower - alright alright joking! But they WERE laughing at my steampunk dress (dress as in outfit, you know .... not like a proper dress......f’wimin or owt).
Anyway I’ve no idea what they're selling anyway. Theres nothing that I can see that gives me a clue, no advertising board, no publicity, no business name like ‘Barry Bull‘s Bollox Burgers‘ or ‘Fred’s Southern Fries made with weak old chicken!’ (Think that should be ‘week’ but it gives you an idea!) Theres just two shifty looking guys in a red box that look like a chav version of Punch and Judy! Well they can fuck off. They should remember the saying ‘Do not bite the hand that feeds‘. Good one!
So I head for the cafe further along where the food is a bit pricey but at leasts it’s well made and the staff are friendly. I walk in. First thing I look for is anyone who is steampunk - its good to feel at home! I spot two customers who bought a hat from me earlier on. They acknowledge me with a big smile. Aww nice people steampunks.
It is then that I spot them. Amy and her assistant sat in a corner of the cafe near the window. But that isn’t what surprises me. Oooooh no no no. What surprises me is that I just hadn't realised how egalitarian and how supportive of animal rights Amy actually is. Because both Amy and her assistant are taking part in a feeding demonstration!!! I dont mean they are showing what the owls eat and how THEY are fed, I‘m talking about the owls illustrating the way HUMANS are fed!!! Yeah! How cool is that!?
Amy and her assistant waiting for the owls to throw them a titbit!
Both the owls are throwing titbits of food to Amy and her assistant as a reward for performing little tricks for the customers who then go “awww isn't it sweet the way that Amy grabs that bit of cake in her paws.
The owls are also more than happy to answer any questions that the spectators have....
“Don't you find it disgusting that humans eat raw flesh from animals like; cows, chickens, pigs etc?”
“Why do you keep humans in boxes called houses!? don’t you think they should be allowed to roam free in the wild?“
“Why do humans use special rooms to go to the toilet. Shouldn’t they just go in the street like normal animals?
“Why do humans wrap their bodies in different types of material. Surely they shouldn't have their movements restricted in this way - I mean some of that stuff is itchy! “
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