*May contain strong language and material that some people may find offensive!*
Date: Monday 18th May 2020
Quarantine:
Location: Gainsborough
Specifically:
Real world: Lawn CP still living under house-of-rest courtesy of Her Majesty’s flatfooted feds.
Virtual World: Deleted the WiFi password on my mobile despite it being impossible to delete the password on my mobile. So the virtual world will just have to wait until I retrieve it.
GOT ANY SPARE CHANGE GUVNOR?
Today is actually a very special day. Not solely because I will make a bit if income but where my primary profession moves from Steampunk artist and trader to full time blogger and writer. I will still be trading - most of my inspiration (not to mention walking around money) comes from Steampunk events, people and creating accessories. But it will no longer be my main source of income (neither will writing until I take some swift action!).
Swift Action No 1
.... buy me a ‘coffee’ I first became aware of this when I watched Alice Strange live from home a few days ago. She said if anyone wanted to contribute to her performance they could buy her a coffee. Hmm could be interesting, Alice squashed into the back of a cafe somewhere balancing a tray with 500+ cups of coffee on it. If you find that mind boggling imagine when she runs to the lavvie afterwards. “Someone get the water authority on standby Alice is nipping out for a big wee!” That is until I learned that 'buying a coffee' is a euphemism for making a payment to help support the artist.
Well its as good a starting place as any (Ko-Fi that is not er Alices ..... y’know er...... whatsit).
I have attached a link to Ko-Fi to enable those of you who wish to do so to support me by buying me a coffee (nudge nudge wink wink).
TIGHT SPOT
Well Hymie was in his element today! Last week an hour long drive from Huddersfield to Rotherham and today another hour long drive to Gainsborough! He’s so excited, I can almost hear his engine purring from the drivers cab.
But he’s needed a good run for a while now. I think he’s sort of not had the best of times outside Alex’s but its no place for him. He needs to be on the move.
I’m still learning just how big and how wide he is. Although I’m fine in most situations I still get caught out occasionally. Take today f’rinstance. My drive to Gainsborough to deliver the recently purchased titfers was fine on the whole. Until I arrived at my destination. The choice of parking? A strip of tarmac that would struggle to allow a cyclist through without them catching their handlebars on the houses at either side and performing an involuntary triple somersault.
My choice was to either pull into a narrow lay-by across from the house I was delivering to or pull into the church car park further along. I chose the church car park because I am a hopeless twat who doesn’t yet realise that you can’t squeeze a German shepherd into a hamster cage. So heres the street I turned into....
...and here’s the church (I swear it looked bigger when I was actually there) that I thought I could turn around in. Oh dear please don’t laugh. Fortunately a nice gentleman assisted me in doing a 73 point turn (I was clearly on form!) to escape and never look back (well maybe a quick glance backwards to see if the bloke I just passed was alright in his freshly squashed car).
SETTLE DOWN
One thing I’ve noticed, particularly in relation to the latter part of the day, is how much more relaxed I’ve become about being a van-lifer. In the early stages I would panic at the sound of every voice, become startled when I heard cars arrive, feel relieved when they started up (which is more than can be said for some of the cars I’ve had in the past).
My hearing was tuned in to every sound and every utterance. I was particularly sensitive to any comments that contained the word ‘motorhome’ “bloody motorhome users mumble mumble”, look how much mutter mutter space this moan whinge thing takes up” and, the ones that really irritate me, those sarcastic comments disguised as complements, “ere this is what tha needs George get thee away from ‘t missus for a while”, “ooh aye I could do wi’ one ‘o them tha can just stay weerever tha wants (NO YOU BLOODY WELL CAN’T!) or ‘I say Fiona this moho looks like it would be rather economical (go fuck yourself).
BAD HAIR DAY
My hair is really starting to get on my nerves now (especially as it has now started to take root on body parts it has never previously taken much interest in).
Looking around at the passers by no one seems to have unruly or unduly long or untidy hair. What is their secret? Is there an underground hairdresser operating that I don’t know about? A bit like the hairdressing equivalent of a speak-easy - “knock three times on the ceiling if you want me (to give you a short back and sides), twice on the pipes if the answer is no! (the mafia are lurking around and I need to Sweeney Todd off!”).
Or maybe I’m just paranoid about my own hair seeing it as much longer than it actually is. But then that would never happen with me. Why? Because my hair tends to grow upwards into what is frequently described as ‘big hair’. Should you also happen to be grey - not saying I am - just that grey hair (for those who have it that is) looks less conspicuous if it’s kept short (as I say, if you have grey hair er...which I don't - well maybe it's not as dark as it used to be...er......ah bollox to it)
My friend Bronwyn was just about to take the sheers to my scalp when I had a snip of an idea! Why not use my hair (or not as the case may be) for charitable purposes!? Loads of people do it. Of course they’ve also got masses of hair as well whereas mine, whilst it might seem long and untidy to me, was really not all that long. But surely there would be enough interest at least to pick up a few pounds for charity! I will put out feelers! If you think its a great idea then leave a comment.
WOT!? MORE GHOULIES?
Turn in for the evening but my ears are assailed by more mysterious sounds. The fact that I have an overactive imagination doesn’t help. This time I hear the sound of something brushing against the roof. A free makeover? At midnight? Nah. Freddy Kruger? I’m definitely not dreaming. Tree Branches? Sounds about right, except there aren’t any trees in the immediate vicinity I’d go out and check except that I’m totally chicken shit! and because I’m tucked up cosy and warm in the toilet. Sorry!!! In bed - I was getting confused through shitting myself with fear.
I remember what Rachael said. Rationalise it. Thats when I spot it. I’ve left the skylight open (or whatever it’s called in a moho) which is letting a breeze in, which in turn is causing wind is causing the blinds to rattle. I knew it all along really.
ACTUALLY I DO OWN THE ROAD (WELL VERY NEARLY).
As I leave Stuart and Bronwyn and take the route to my next destination I realise that one thing I am going to miss when things return to some sort of normality is the roads being so quiet. No matter where I drive the experience it's almost always pleasant. No having to battle with impatient drivers, no one cutting you up, no sitting in traffic jams for hours on end. In fact the drivers that are on the roads all seem polite and courteous - a serous change from the way roads usually are.
Something that many people have reported on via social media is that technology seems almost to have taken a back seat in favour of camaraderie and togetherness. This is something that people who went through a war have tried to tell us - how could you refer to the WW2 as the good old days with all the shooting and killing are you mad!? The reasons were that it bought people closer together, encouraged the establishment of support systems and strengthened communities. It was a time to put aside differences and realise that if we wanted to survive the horrors of a national or international crisis we had to stop squabbling among ourselves and focus on survival . Will this continue after lock down? I think so but only for a while - then people will forget and return to the way things were before. If the change isn't permanent after something like WW2 I don't think the relative ease of dealing with a virus is going to change anything.
SCIENCE LEADS
One of the reasons - in fact THE main reason I return to Rotherham so frequently (and which has to stop but that's for future consideration) is to collect medication. I arrive at the chemists. First thing I see as I jump out of the cab is a sign which reads 'No lead on this building'.
Incredible isn't it? In Liverpool - former city of culture (for those who consider having their belongings swiped by pickpockets, their cars stolen and their front doors kicked in culture that is) where I was sightseeing recently cannot even be honest about its public art installations. Just look at the before and after image below.
At 11.00 a.m. Kat and I walked past this installation and made a mental note to see where it would be on our return (around 4.00 p.m). Imagine our amazement to discover it was at the exact same spot where we saw it originally!! Mobile indeed! What a load of crap! -
Of course the fact that things seem better in the UK at the moment doesn't mean that everyone is showing consideration. In fact the behaviour of some people is downright apalling. There I was driving along minding my own business when a truck passes me on the opposite side of the road (thank you for that - saves a head on collision!). What cargo is this truck carrying!? Only bloody *herpes innit!? A nasty little disease that effects people's naughty bits. AND, as if this wasn't staggering enough, they've only gone and plastered the name on the side of the truck in massive letters! Here we are in the midst of an international health crisis and some twat organisation is blatantly transporting a contagious illness across the UK!
*I may have been mistaken though as the truck was shifting a bit.
On a slightly different note - and considerably less serious than the previous example I also encountered a very inappropriately named truck when I went to collect gas. So - this great big bloody thing that made Hymie look like a dinky car (slight exaggeration but not much) is blocking my path - entirely! I can't see in front of me, I can't see down the side and I can't see my behind (if you know what I mean). The slogan on this gargantuan grotmoble -
“Everywhere you want us to be”.
AND FINALLY....
...a little snippet
“When I was born the nurses involved in the delivery room noticed an object sticking out of my mouth. On removal they discovered it was a silver spoon. “Ooh” said the nurses we’ll have to watch out for this one when he grows up. He will be have his own yacht, be incredibly popular,, socialise with the world’s best known celebrities, hob nob with the rich and famous, own simply masses of land and property, and have oodles of cash”
...unfortunately it wasn't my memory 🥺
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