Grovel, grovel

*Contains adult themes and material which some people may find offensive*

Date: Tuesday 3rd Dec 2019

Location: Rotherham

Specifically: Thurcroft

Did a brief edit on my latest blog posting - the one entitled Moho. Had been feeling confident about my writing, especially with all the praise and positive comments I've had from people recently. But this looked shit. Why had I thought it was even remotely amusing? Need to tighten up my writing style, try to make it much more punchy, more humerous. Content wise, theres more than enough material for the book but I’m not going to get a publisher on the basis of a notebook full of waffle. ‘Must try harder‘ it would say on a school report.

Enough wallowing!!!

Related to the above is the issue of readership or lack of it and, more to the point, how to increase it. Today I resorted to an age old technique known as ‘grovelling’. I’ve tried the usual things like uploading blog posts to Facebook containing links to my blog, I’ve tried doing partial blog uploads where the next part is only available to those who sign up and promoting the blog on various facebook pages pretty much to no avail. Yesterday I went for the 1-1 approach contacting people directly via messenger and asking them to sign up. It worked, in that membership practically doubled, it failed, because double, in my case, is practically nothing. But it’s a start, its progress and so I will continue with it plus think if other types of promotion.

A SQUARE PEG

You wouldn't think the phrase “new bedroom’ would carry much impact with regards to a motorhome would you? After all its a bit like saying “I live in a square but I’m going to sleep in a different corner. What could possibly be any different?

Well, as it turns out, quite a lot.

In most motorhomes there is usually a 2 berth sleeping area above the drivers cab. Its often used as a storage area or not at all. I fell into the latter category because,I confess, I couldn't work out how to get the seats down low enough to use the area. Then I discovered the lever that caused the seats to fold in half. Happy days! This opened up a whole new world for me or, more to the point, it shut out the old one.

It wasn't that I didnt sleep reasonably well before just that it didn't afford the privacy and seclusion i needed. There was no back rest, (at least not if I wanted the blinds on the rear window to remain uncrushed) because that’s where I would have to rest if I wanted to read, edit a few photographs or plan the takeover of a small country.

I also found it difficult to concentrate, from this position I was conscious of the vibrations of every passing vehicle, I could hear every comment, and there were many, I could hear the audible ‘clunk’ of anything that dropped from above; the seed of the horse chestnut tree, the ‘helicopter‘ seeds from the maple, crab apples from the crab apple tree and an endless assortment of fruits and berries.

But from here its a different world, my private world. Because it allows me to turn my back on all the distractions. And for extra privacy I can just close the curtains. Strange isn't it? what protection would a pair of curtains provide but it seems to offer plenty. Well it works well enough in hospitals! It also seems to have everything; its warm and cosy, has a backrest, folds away during the day, no hassle nothing just lift it up and shove it into the ceiling.

Amazing the difference a change of bed makes.

Yes, weeeeell OK not the most riveting opener but it may matter to future moho owners!

PC F***ing WORLD - AGAIN!

You may have gathered by now that I am no fan of this company, in fact it would be more accurate to say that I absolutely loathe them. My last encounter with this shower of box shifting bollock brained batty heads was at Brighton during, what should have been a simple exchange. Check back if you want to read the miserable story I cant face it again.

So today I require a data transfer cable to enable me to transfer the data from my Nikon D700 to my laptop - a mac-book pro - so that I can edit the photos I took at Clumber Park. To save time I remove the memory card from the camera so that I can show them what I require.

I see a few salespeople lurking around - identifiable by their black uniform and little red logo! Clearly the devils mark has been cast upon these heathen swine!!! A couple of guys appear to be doing nothing in particular so I approach them, show them the memory card and ask if they have a card reader for it. One of them takes it from me and holds it as if it were about to explode and cover him

in anthrax spores. “Whats this?” Says he. “Its a memory card” says I. ”You wont get anything like that nowadays and we don't have them anymore, you'll probably get one online for about a fiver“ Patronising little shit! He returns the card to me as if holding onto it a second longer would cause his fingers to erupt in an outbreak of boils (if only!).

As if this wasn’t bad enough they don’t even allow me the courtesy of leaving the premises before they start talking behind my back.

“What was that?“

”that was one of the first memory cards, you don't see them anymore nowadays, went out of date about, ooh must be two months ago”

”for reals!” Hey I bet they're worth something by now”

”Could be, we should have kept it and put it on eBay“

Laughter

They stand and watch me out of the store as though I were a sick man unaware I’ve only got days to live. Bloody hell! You would think I’d gone in with a bakelite television to ask if they could replace the valves!

”Hello Mr Pretentious Little Shit PC World Man do you have any valves for this TV?”

I read online today about a guy looking for advice as he was about to start his sales training with PC World! Christ that must be something to see...

Take plenty of fag breaks - even if you don’t smoke - customers respect you more if you don't give a shit whether they buy or not.

Find a colleague and pretend to be deep in conversation. The customer thinks you are too busy to deal with them so they walk away to serve themselves.

Do not escort customers to the checkout who have spent less than £1500 we’re not here to provide a service for the tight of arse and empty of wallet!

If a customer requires information direct them to read the Information on the box. This will help disguise the fact that you know next to nothing about what your actually selling. We‘re not an information bureau!

Returns: Returnees - Lowest form of life in the universe! It has long been my dream to spot these conniving bastards as they arrive and drop them headfirst into a lake of starving Piranha. But until that blessed day dawns PC World has refined ways of dealing with troublemakers. Begin by telling them you're not allowed to give refunds and direct them to the 24Hr Helpline (which is open for 24hrs - just not in a row). The staff here have been trained to give these miserable scumbags the run around until their guarantee runs out. We’re not here to provide technical support.

Enough! I‘m of to find a reputable computer shop like Poundland or One Below!

.....,.and while looking in the Pound-shop I found this. Scrummy - sadly the