Date: Tuesday 12th November 2019
Location: Stratford-on-Avon
Specifically:
Wonderful start to the day for a change! No thugs, no threats of murder, made a couple of purchases at Aldi - kitchen roll and self-foaming pan scourers!! How brilliant is that? Pan scourers that don’t need the fairy liquid!! Now if they can just invent one that doesn’t require me to do the washing up I shall be a happy grape! (means nowt to me either but it makes a change from ‘bunny’).
Bit of a down side in that the van was slightly freezing, a red light was flashing on the fridge (never a good sign unless your’e in Amsterdam) and no gas for a cup of tea. But on the BIG plus side I changed the gas bottles in double quick time AND was able to lock the door cover. Hey presto! Everything back to normal. How thrilling! Well except the water tank is empty but I'll get on to that later.
Now one reason I shot up the M40 towards Stratford is because it is a centre of high culture. Apparently this has something to do with a writer called William Shakespeare (well there might be a few who don’t know of his association with Stratford !!!) otherwise known as ‘The Bard’ who was born with his head on the wrong way round ie bushy beard/baldy heed, had funny eyebrows and wrote plays n poems n stuff using words that no one understood but pretended they did so they didn’t look like twats in front of high society.
In all seriousness - it is strange that people should say that Shakespeare is difficult to understand - he wrote in English and we use Shakespeare everyday - most of us without realising it. Any of these phrases sound familiar? ......
The world is my oyster
All that glitters is not gold
Break the ice
A brave new world
In my heart of hearts
Jealousy is a green-eyed monster
They should be Shakespeare said them first.
As I was saying, because Stratford has a reputation for literary culture I couldn’t wait to get into the town itself and treat myself to some new reading material. Material by some of my favourite authors that I had searched long and hard for but, due to the high standard of English and grammar used, was finding it very hard to come by.
These are just some of the titles I was desperately searching for....
The Kiss of the Devil. - Barbara Cartland
The Proud Wife - Pub. Mills & Boon
52 Things to do on the Loo - - Hugh Jassburn
The Dog’s Bollox. - Chris Donald
Learning to Play with a Lions Testicles - Mel Haynes
The list goes on but at least these will give you an idea.
Want to insult someone in the Shakespeare style. Here you go. Just take a word from the first column, one from the second and one from the third and precede with ’thou’.
Enjoy!!!
I was once told by my mother as a small child that if Shakespeare had been alive today he would have been 400 years old.
The problem is that I seem to get told this by someone or other about once a year. Surely by now he would have aged a bit. Yet I still hear the same thing
“Ee by gum duz tha know tha’ if Shakespeare ‘ad been alive today he woulda bin 400!?”
or
“Och aye, if Shakespeare ‘ad bin alive todee ee would ha been 400 year old the noo”
or
“Whey aye man, if Shakespeare had bin alive today like ee would ha been canny 400 year owd“
Seems to me that, not only was Shakespeare a master of the English language he also seems to have discovered the secret of eternal youth.
So thus far I was enjoying my day. It was about to get even better!! I had just made a nice cup of tea and was sitting at my dining table - colouring in - when I received a phone call from none other than Stephen Draper - in my view one of the icons of steampunk along with his lovely wife Hilary- inviting me to pop round to his for a catch up! Wowsers!! That is the steampunk equivalent of being asked to tea with the Prime Minister (but only a very fair, gracious and steampunk attired Prime Minister!).
This put me in a bit of a quandry - on the one hand I could wander around this fine city, finding out more about Shakespeare and enhancing my level of cultural enrichment or I could go and visit Steve - Two Faced - Draper (because his steampunk outfits frequently have an extra head - not because he is a twat or anything).
Hm let’s see ......... Shakespeare, Steve Draper?, Shakespeare, Steve Draper?, Argh fuck it Steve has way more cultural about him than that old slap head composer of poncy plays and poofty poetry - the *lear-jerkined, crystal-buttoned, knot-pated, agatering, puke-stockinged, caddis-gartering, smooth-tongued, pouch!”
Here see for yourself .... Steve and Hilary through the ages!!!
First encounter! Stephen & Hilary at Timequake in Manchester
Asylum Steampunk Festival Lincoln, Next to my pitch at Bishops Grot College! Notice the unique Draper style creeping in?
Full circle - Stephen and Hilary have defined their own style. Is it still steampunk? Does it matter?
More later!!! Just popping out to look at Big Willy’s house - even if it is pitch black!!
..... hmph well if that’s Stratford at night I’m not sure I’m in any hurry to see it during the day. First impressions - nowhere near as historical looking as I first imagined. But then it’s the same scenario as in pretty much every other town or city centre, the original architecture remains but it’s buried under the same old shitty shop fronts as everywhere else.
I was most intrigued, however, to discover that Stratford has a zoo - something I was totally unaware of. I couldn’t find it on a map, I couldn’t see it online, I have never heard of a Stratford zoo and I’m pretty sure the Bard of Avon never mentioned one - unless you count ‘The Taming of the Shrew’ and ‘Phoenix and the Turtle’. yet there it bloody well is - somewhere.
I say “somewhere” because, although I distinctly heard animal noises I couldn’t see any evidence of an actual zoo. This might have been due to the dark but I’m not convinced. I’ll give you an idea - then the animal enthusiasts among you might be able to recognise a few.
Heres some examples of the sort of noises I heard......
Yurghhhhhh
Comeonyerbastardsilltekalloyer
Ingalandingaland wheeeyyyyyyyuu
Urgh
Heeheeheehahaha wboohoo ampissedasacuntme
Blooahhhhh
Ohfucksakeimgonnsbeesik
Good evening (obviously some sort of creature with a birth defect)
Hughyyyy
Phwoooaarrrrr wudyalukattitsonthat!! Wayyyy
Ahfukofyafuckinfucka
etc
So if anyone can identify these ferocious sounding beasts and, even better, point me in the direction of the cages in which they might be located I might just be able to find Stratford Zoo the next time around.
Onto more cultural things - like Big Willy,s birthplace!! Now I confess I was surprised when I saw this because I thought “Christ supping pond water with parasites, that’s a bit of big place to be born myself looking at a big house, The great Shakespeare was born here!? Different to what I expected
Found this no problem thanks to the sat nav on my phone. Funny how I almost had to be dragged kicking and screaming to buy my first mobile and now it’s like an extension of myself - I wouldn’t know where I would be without it.
if you’re a moho owner or if, like myself, it’s your full time abode there are some great apps available. The sat-nav, set to ‘walk’ (I use a dedicated motorhome one for driving) is brilliant. Takes you straight to the place of interest you want to get to - be it castle, museum, theatre, restaurant. For gay men with an interest in broadening their horizons you will be pleased to hear that your sat-nav can also lead you to a range of cottage industries!
Next stop the Royal Shakespeare Theatre - since it was only round the corner.
Hmmm not at all what I expected - a modern yet austere looking building, surprisingly anachronistic in design. I expected something that made at least a dalliance towards Elizabethan/Jacobean architecture. But the only leaning I could see would be towards Legoland circa Elizabeth II. Neither am I sure that any of the aesthetic was helped by the presence of a telephone box stuffed with footballs close to the main entrance.
*Henry IV Part 1 (Act 2, Scene 3)
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