Date: Sat 23rd Jan 2021
Location: What? Seriously? You actually think I’m going somewhere when I’ve got better weather in my freezer!?
Specifically: Nursing one of Sean’s industrial heaters and resisting all attempts to be prised off.
Mood: Now what do you want? Do you really imagine I can feel anything in this arctic wilderness. Leave me alone, go on, shoo!
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RUINED BY ICE
Well if I’m not totally and absothoroughlutely pissed off! There I was this morning grazing out my window (not a misprint) at the hazy sunshine and thinking “Wow the temperature is 0c (the warmest it’s been for months!) I can go for a walk and get some much needed exercise without my internal plumbing freezing over! But you know what they say about the best laid plans ‘n all that. What happens? I nip outside to feed Barney when I see this!! (See photo!) Snow! Bloody damned infernal snow!! Now I’m stuffed. I can’t go anywhere or do anything and will probably die of starvation and frostbite before this god awful mountain of icebergs finally clears. I AM RETURNING TO MY BED. Y’ALL HAVE A NICE DAY!
CONVERSATIONS WITH ALEX
Today’s polite and enlightening conversation with the amiable Alex (may he topple into a mountain of caustic detritus) kicks of with a Lockdown related discourse where I ask him to air his views and he agrees (god help us). Oh dear.....I wish I hadn’t...
Moi: “Now would be a good time to share any of your thoughts on the lockdown and related stuff. I’m preparing for a writing competition and the closing date for entries is the end of Jan. Thanks and I hope your roof falls in and kills you.”
Alex: I believe you may already be aware of my thoughts.
“I think it's doing more damage to society than the virus would. Many members of the scientific community agree but the government appears uninterested in what they have to say.”
“As far as I can tell, those in support of full lockdown tend to be in secure employment. I would ask these people to consider the devastating impact lockdown has had on the economy and is having, on small business and the self-employed.” Businesses have gone bankrupt and many people’s livelihoods have been destroyed.”
“From a social perspective the enforced stay at home policy has caused crippling isolation and loneliness for millions and there has been an alarming increase in the rate of suicides.”
“I'd be willing to accept that my opinion is wrong if it can be shown otherwise, but as it stands no one seems to listening. I wish they would all go and fuck themselves with their evil rules.”
“Is that any help?”
Moi: “Well that is what I call a comprehensive reply. I take back what I said about the roof and will make you a nice cup of tea instead!”
Alex: “Well I'm a very angry little man at the moment. And there's no end in sight.”
Moi:”What!? No! Here, allow me to fill this receptacle while you take a weight off your wobblies!”
Alex: “Ah thank you. Is cyanide nice? I'm not sure I've heard of it.”
Moi: “Oh it’s really good for you, better than herbal tea n all that shit. Just put two heaped teaspoonfuls into a cup, fill with hot water, stir and enjoy! You will feel the effects almost immediately!”
“er.....why are you an angry little man (given that you make the Avatar aliens look tiny)”
“Dunno about you but I found these in the stables this morning. Bit wierd eh?”
Alex: “I'm an angry man because I've had my life stolen with no signs of getting it back for months by the looks of it.”
And what do those fuckers get up to in those stables?
Moi:
Item A
Look on the brightside. As for your missing life I’m just having a look in the garage, maybe someone put it in there, because it was in a bit of a mess. I’ll get back to you...
Item B
Well I shudder to think but any sentence containing the words ‘handcuffs’ and ‘vaseline’ sounds well out of order to me sunshine” 🥺
For the benefit of those who think I’m a complete numbskull (Rachael put your bloody hand down) I am aware that the items are stirrups!
Alex: The bright side has been screwed up and thrown into the toilet where it's been soiled by a huge pile of dung and flushed into the sea.
Do they fasten the handcuffs to the horse's dangly bits?
Moi: “Dangly bits eh? Well its a thought but what on earth do they get out if it? I can only assume a mighty kick to the jigglers warms them up a little bit in this f***ing cold weather”
Alex: “I know of some woman who was cleaning out a stable with the horse still in it. The horse suddenly booted her in the face, causing serious injury to her cheek and jaw. Still, you've got to laugh”.
Moi: “Aye a true enough sentiment my dear friend and good of you to show empathy with someone to whom you are unacquainted. Having said that a stoved in gumshah is little to be concerned about.
Next time you encounter a moaner like this I suggest soaking her overnight in vinegar. This will toughen her skin and ensure, that even in the event of an severe kicking from an ill tempered pony you will at least be able to rest easy in your bed.”
Alex: “That's very true. Plus she'll be able to put a bit of it on her chips. You see, good can come from every situation.”
——————————————
MOON PHOTOS
Inspired by photographers showing off their photos of the moon I was inspired to have a go myself. Have to admit its more tricky than I thought but heres one I’m rather proud of.
BTW Are you blushing to your roots at the sight of this butt naked bahookie? Is your (best) fountain pen poised to write a letter of protest? Are you laughing at the idea that someone would actually write a letter in the first place???”
No sooner do I hit ‘send’ on my keyboard than I receive a message from some witless clown at Facebook, telling me I was contravening their decency regulations! What? For a bare bum!? Do these people not get out much? Have they looked at todays fashion for the young. The waistline has shifted from its traditional place i.e just above the hips and has now been allocated a space just above the knees. So for three days a year (British summertime) 1000,s upon 1000’s of bare arses are on display all over Britain!!
I protest of course, “Look at the content of my post” it’s actually a humorous article about photographing the moon! I receive a response almost as quick as the first. No deal - we still believe you are in breach of our regulations. Ah bollox to it. It can go in my bog instead. (No I didn’t mean blog!)
———————————————
sNOw SHOES
Well whoop-tee-tah! After much searching I’ve finally found a pair of snowshoes that will keep my feet warm and dry, and look rather stylish into the bargain. “What do you think? Come on we can be honest with each other can’t we?”
“What!?” “Excuse me!? “Well that was uncalled for you rotten swine”
It’s funny how on Facebook the most unexpected posts can receive numerous comments. One of the most notable concerned the name of a bread product, to whit, a bread-cake (or at least that’s what it was called in Rotherham) People were shown an image asked what the comestible was called where they came from. The conversation went on for days sparking, at times, some quite heated debate. “It’s a barm cake!” “It’s a roll!” “It’s definitely a bap! Always has been, always will be.
So I ought not to have been surprised when my friend Linda commented “I would not ruin them in the snow! They need to be for best!” I took her advice but added “my toes have fallen off with going out barefoot but at least my new snow shoes are safe!” If she was sympathetic about my ex tootsies she didn’t show it but she did say she was “glad to know with a bit of instruction you can see the matter clearly. Toes are ten a penny but those shoes are keepers!
Rachaels turn. Apparently to inform me that this creature waggling it’s tentacles actually has a name! “Awwww Sophie and Josh would love these Gary the snail slippers”
My response flab-erred in its ghastliness! “What!? You mean this hideous thing has a name? Gary!? I was more in the region of The blood sucking, toe chomping beast from 20,000 fathoms!” Turns out it’s a “character from spongebob square pants”
———————————————
ROBIN POLE
At last! After months of watching and waiting my patience has finally been rewarded. I have captured a robin on a pole before it disappeared!
WALKIES (NOPE SPOILED BY THE BLOODY SNOW!)
Karen mentions going foe a walk. I agree, I’m not getting enough exercise. But.......
“Eeeeew Snow, snowing and 0c !! Methinks I will be unlikely to venture out walking in this. We are doomed I think. You best come around for hot mince pies and a nice cup of tea if you can”.
“Just going out to feed Barney. How do they cope in this bloody weather?? Sorry but I’m bringing him inside for a cup of tea and a sit down.“ 🙂
“And a mince pie! Ha! Barney has 7 rugs on to kp warm n toasty. Is it still snowing there? Xxx”
“Only a few sprinklings, a bit like the last few flakes of a vigorously shaken snow globe“.
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