*Contains adult themes and material which some people may find offensive*.
Date: Saturday 5th October 2019
Location: Milnsbridge, Huddersfield
Specifically: Alex's Hoose
Rant Alert!!!
Now I’m not one to complain but.. (No 8,763 in an occasional series)
Would you look at this packet? go on look at it!! Not that bloody close I'm not expecting you to eat the bleeding stuff. Now. What do you notice!? Yes OK OK I know it’s a large bag containing a cats mobile shit house but just look at that bit on the bottom (no not the cats bottom! The bottom of the packet! 'kin ell!") - what does it say!? That’s right ‘lightweight - fucking lightweight!!
OK that may be a reference to low calories or something (because clearly your average mog will spend many an afternoon studying dietary supplements, researching the nutritional value of cat food and spending the rest of its waking life at weight watchers) but that’s not obvious from the wording is it!? Because let me tell you something these things are not lightweight, in fact they are bloody heavyweight, or to use a medieval form of measurement - the firkin i.e. too firkin big and too firkin heavy!!
Now it’s one thing if you have the car outside the supermarket - you simply wheel your trolley out to your vehicle (I love the way Americans describe these as vee hickles) pop your shopping in the boot and use a forklift truck to deposit your kitty shit litter onto your roof rack - overlooking the fact that the weight of this stuff is threatening to crush granny and the kids quaking with fear on the back seat.
But I don’t have a vee hickle (titter) or at least not one that will fit easily into your average parking space; no I have to walk up the north face of the Eiger (or at least a long steep hill that seems like it!!’) Where it feels as if my nose is scraping the road on the way up and my archilles tendon is under so much strain that it is threatens to go twang and send me catapulting skywards to the top of the hill. Still it will save me walking the rest of the way.
Enjoy your damned shit you smug little kitty cat while I get on to trade descriptions and sue for gross inaccuracy. Bloody producers of animal products. Bastards - I’d set the dogs on them and have the misleading twats buried up to their necks in cat litter - LIGHTWEIGHT CAT LITTER!!
Not that I’m one to complain.
Lightweight my arse!
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