Date: Thurs 14th Jan 2021
Location: Drivers seat
Specifically: Feeling sorry for myself n can’t be bothered to even message Sean to see if he’ll look at the battery for me. Don’t like asking for anything at the best of times.
Mood: Twat off you flesh eating zombie whelk I’m too cold to feel any emotions I can’t even feel my bloody fingers and toes.
GOOD MORNING!
Good but exceedingly bloody freezing cold morning everyone! Just a tip for any of my friends who are considering liberating their vehicles from the 1mm of snow anchoring it to their drive and forcing you to have your groceries airlifted in by helicopter.
Please note that the steps to my abode are a tad knackered at the moment and not going up and down as they should (which about sums up my sex life). Should you be desirous of spending an hour in my company, pulling people to pieces, depleting my supply of tea and biscuits amidst my sizeable collection of parking tickets, empty beer cans and drug paraphernalia then please take the following steps (although not mine as they’re buggered remember).
Climb up onto the roof using a rope. Once on there, retrieve the rope making sure to stay on the reinforced areas since these will help to prevent you from falling off and onto the roof of the adjoining cow shed. Once in position set up a block and tackle above one of the openings you will see. You should then fasten the rope to yourself and lower yourself down through the skylight ‘Mission Impossible’ stylee! Please note girls will find this manoevre much easier if they are wearing a short skirt since trousers tend to get pulled off in a process called ‘de-bagging as your arse appears through the skylight.
Hope this simplifies everything for you!Look forward to seeing you soon.
Well I had planned to go to Oswestry today to get shopping and then have myself a bit of a photographic expedition, but the temperature! Freezing! Absolutely bloody freezing! Literally, it felt so much like walking into a block of ice that I’m surprised I didn’t bash my head and require treatment for concussion. Only uplifting bit so far on this piece of shit day is a message from Rachael - “Good morning Honey Happy Friday 😊” Awww what a little sweetheart!!
Hymie had the same idea (not about messaging of course because I haven’t bought him a mobile phone yet) but because he simply refused to move. Turned the key in the ignition. Few sounds emitted like two farts and a splash from a sufferer of galloping dysentry and - nowt. It’s happened before, all of it I might add, since Hymie was fully serviced, MOT’d and habitation checked. Got to laugh though haven’t you? NO!!!!!! But Hymie had always gotten through these little phases and started up almost like he had been fine all along but was just trying to be difficult. Not so today, a bit more coughing and spluttering and ‘My God I’m dying’ noises and then he dried up altogether. Nothing to do but sit there warming my hands on my uglies and try to find some hidden reserves of motivation.
Finding none, I decide to do something constructive and take the rubbish to the bin. No luck there either! The bin is on the other side of a barred iron gate. AND! It’s just out of reach. I could take my bulging plastic bag and walk around to it but it seems pointless for the sake of hopping over a fence. Trouble is my ‘hopping over fences’ days have long since been replaced with a sort of ‘dragging myself around with ankles tied together while carrying two large bags of King Edwards potatoes under each arm. I just about manage it, getting as far as getting my crap sack suspended over the bin, then dee-zass-ter! I slip on the wet metal fence, drop the bag and find myself on a vertical journey into bin land, a truly ‘offal’ place (snigger)
REFURBISH OR REPLACE?
Hymie is having a facelift. I have thought about replacing him but I can’t do it. The problem with giving machinery like a vehicle a name is that very soon you begin to see them as human. Besides we’ve been through too much together to abandon him now? What if he ends up somewhere abandoned and alone? What if he’s only used to decorate someones drive? What if he runs away from home! It’s all too horrible to think about.
Of course that doesn’t mean I can’t take a passing interest in some of the motorhomes available. Take this one......
Found it online innit so I made an offer! AFTER taking advice from a Hymer Facebook group
“Ooh I’ve been looking for one of these customised mohos for AGES - but they are SO rare - probs because they take so much painstaking work. Do you think the owner might take £40,000 for it? It’s the best I can do at the moment." 🥺
On a serious note, I do do them occasionally, (which sounds a bit like I just squeezed in a backing vocal but still) Having got the idea for buying/renting an apartment it was time to sit down and take a serious look at my finances (though looking at my bank statements it’s difficult to do anything but laugh!). One thing is crystal clear securing accommodation now will deplete savings by a few large by the end of 2021. But by the end of 21 my teachers pension kicks in. This means savings should remain intact; assuming no unforeseen disasters.
Immediate plans for Hymie are to have all the blinds and curtains replaced. Upholstery done in leather, most likely red and black or maybe white, and the fixed bed converted to a small lounge area.
Ooh exciting stuff!!
On the subject of exciting stuff Rachael aka my bestie and diminutive super hero has been busy again! (Though she never seems to be anything else). It’s always been my belief that she is a sound sleeper, unlike myself who averages around 2 hours sleep a night, usually around the time everyone else is waking up. But it turns out that she does have difficulty from time to time. Yesterday was one of those times!
DIMINUTIVE DYNAMO KNOCKS UP A CRANE IN HER SLEEP (which is a very kinky sounding perversion if you ask me)
Now I don’t know what techniques you might use to get back to sleep perhaps you read a book (maybe you even write a book!) could be you catch up on a bit of work or practice a bit of transcendental meditation, or you might even go on a food hunt (as in raiding the fridge that is, not galloping off on horseback to snare rabbits)
Anyways back to my tiny (but ever so strong!) chum. I want you to look at the photo below. Yes, thats right the one with lots of cars on it where, for some reason, everything has been given a light dusting of talcum powder. Now I would like you to look beyond this to the construction in the background. Got it? Good.
Just focus on that for a moment.
Now those of you who are old enough (“yes, yes alright, I’m one of them”) will remember a construction based educational toy called Meccano. This was popular back in the days when children possessed creativity and intelligence and found ways to amuse themselves that didn’t involve extortion, racketeering and grand larceny.
Meccano is still sold in shops today of course, a fact that has not gone unnoticed by my petite pal Rachael the diminutive dynamo. But of course Rachael is an adult (well 30% of the time anyway) and a particularly tough, resilient and hardworking one at that. She needed a Meccano set more suited to her age (not telling so forget it, more than me jobs worth - assuming I had one that is) physical strength and construction skills. Finally she saw exactly the set she wanted, slapped down a deposit and went back to collect it at the end of the week handing over the balance of 63.2 million contained in two large security trucks.
Rachael was so thrilled with her purchase that she wanted to try the set out immediately - she already had lots of ideas. But due to her commitments this proved difficult. Finally at 7:00 a.m and unable to sleep she rushed outside and found a quiet little spot behind the houses and began to build, using some old Meccano magazines as a guide.
Fortunately on Thursday 14th Jan at 7: 26 a.m Rachael was able to send me a picture of her completed construction. “I’m sorry you can’t see the whole thing” she exclaimed “but it’s the best I could do with having to get ready for work” “However I understand that the South Yorkshire Police Aerial Reconnaissance team took a number of images which can be seen in the library if you want to have a look”
Rachaels first attempt at using her new construction set.
Of course I messaged her as soon as I saw the photo...
“Let me guess - you couldn’t sleep so got up n built that thing in the background. 🙄”
Meccano just wasn’t enough for you was it?
Ha ha! No 😂
CONVERSATIONS WITH ALEX
Nowt! Think despite the rain he’s having a dry spell. We’ll give him time eh?
And here it comes.....
Alex:“Berk”
Well that was worth waiting for. Thanks matey! At least now my readers will feel they got their moneys worth (not that any of them paid anything in the first place).
Moving on......
CAPTAIN VICTORY’S TOP TIPS
Today I am proud to announce my guest agony uncle, Frank Grimy from Cleethorpes.
Dear Frank
I need my laundry doing but the pipes are frozen in my camper. Do you have any advice on how I might overcome this predicament?
Yours, Jeffry Spineless-Pantwetta
“The fuck!? Are you talkin to me yer snotty little gobshite? Speak the queens English if’n yer want my ‘elp.
Laundry! As in doin yer washin? Ere? yer not one ‘o them bleedin poofters o yer? “You do know that washing is women’s work right? You want my advice? Fuck it. Who gives a shit? Yer on yer tod ain’t yer? Ain’t no one gonna notice ‘cept you. ‘N if any one does come around moanin about you being a bit ‘off’ just stick nut on. Yer won’t see them again.
Now fuck off I’m watchin telly.
Dear Frank
I’m worried that if I nip out for a pint someone will accidentally bump into me and spill it. What should I do if this happens?
Sincerely, Timmy Sandinface
“Who you calling ‘dear’? Yo a poofter eh? One ‘o them queer fellas?” Some nonce spills your pint just ram your fist in their gob - that’ll shut them up for a while and get you a fresh pint into the bargain.
Alreet Frank yer great Yorkshire puddin
I would like to meet a nice lady with a view to cultivating her friendship. However I haven't been out with anyone in years. Do you have any tips on where I might make the acquaintance of a suitable partner?
Yours Mickey Naepals
What the utter ding dong fuck are you talking about yer twat. I’ve ‘eard about people like you. You want my advice about copping off with wimin. These days it’s easy, just walk into Tesco, give em a good whack over the head with a spanner and cart them of in your shopping trolley.
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