Local Zombie

May contain strong language and material that some people may find offensive!

Date: Thursday 14th May 2020

Quarantine: Day Location: Rotherham

Specifically: Thurcroft

VR: I have no intention of going anywhere near my VR system while there is a zombie wandering outside

DON’T LET IT IN!

There's nothing better than the end of the day when you've finished your chores, done all the running around you're going to do for today, thank you very much and having nothing to do but have a pleasant conversation with your best friend (This has nothing to do with the zombie by the way we're not there yet. Hang on!) especially if you can do something to cheer that best friend up.

What is not pleasant, in fact what is absolutely terrifying is hearing what sounds like the guttural cries, moans, wails associated with a wild beast. Mid message I fell into total silence my breathing coming to an involuntary standstill as I listen carefully to the unearthly noise from outside. My first reaction - this was someone who had arrived home drunk (lets not get into where they might have got drunk) and was causing a ruccus about being locked out. But this idea lost favour very rapidly as I realised that the sounds were not human, at least not a normal human. This sounded more like the sound of an escaped wild beast and an unearthly wild beast at that.

I tell Rachael about whats happening and I don't mind admitting to her that I'm actually quite scared...

"OMG sounds like theres a wild beast outside".

"Really really scary"

"Sounds like something has escaped"

"Haven't heard anything like this outside of a horror movie".

Whatever it is outside the moho the sound gradually ceases, but it doesn't stop me holding my breath in anticipation. I pass the info onto Rachael...

"Can't hear the beast anymore. I hope I never do. Bloody terrifying"

"I'm not going outside to look for it either"

That's when I hear it again, the low moaning sounds of a wild animal. This time I try to record the sounds. I forward the sound file to Rachael and continue giving her a running commentary...

"It's back!"

"Sounds closer than before"

"Don't know if the recording picked it up"

"Scared stiff!"

"Never heard anything like this"

"Help" (Though quite what I expected Rachael to do I have no idea)

Rachael confirms my query about the short recording "Yeah I can vaguely hear something"

"Moaning"

"At the moment the sound is like a very deep growl

From a wild animal, a very large wild beast

Certainly not a cat or a dog"

Then the line I didn't expect..

"You'll be OK"

I message her back with several laughter emojis - adding "You have to be joking!"

She continues

"Nothing indigenous to the UK is likely to come inside Hymie"

I tell her "You haven't got it outside your window!"

"Ha ha good point. But rationalise it. Badgers n foxes aren't gonna get you inside"

Reflecting on this later I realise Rachael was simply being calm, sensible and above all rational. But with the ethereal moans, guttural sounds and strange unearthly utterances materialising from outside I was in no mood to be rational. I was angry.

"Oh goodnight - I'll deal with it".

I wasn't being fair. What did I expect her to do? Join me in a blind panic and tell me that if I stuck my head outside my door I would find myself face to face with the creature from the Black Lagoon or that big black slimy thing with acid blood from the Alien movies?

To her credit (and to my shame) she continued offering advice even though I had technically done the messaging equivalent of putting the phone down on her.

"Only things bigger than that are horses n cows and they ain't carnivorous".

"I'm assuming it doesn't sound human?"

"We don't have bears wild"

"Could be an animal giving birth in a nearby field - they make weird noises".

(At this point I hadn't mentioned that I was in the middle of an urban sprawl and the only thing resembling a field was the local recreation ground. (Some might argue that it was monopolised by wild beasts but these were more of the teenage variety and usually only threatening if you happened to be standing where they wanted to walk or if you asked them to be home before dawn on the following day)

I was panic stricken enough to message Stuart - he had only just gone up to bed so maybe he was still awake.

"Did you hear that noise? Like a wild beast of some description. Terrifying. Went on for several minutes".

If I expected him to take me seriously or message a serious response I was to be sadly mistaken.

"Yes just the local zombies, looking for food , don't let them in if they knock on the door!"

But since his reply didn't arrive until sun up the following day I was better placed to see the funny side

Phew! Thanks Stuart I was starting to think I had something to worry about. 😅

I tried Kat - her advice was usually succinct and practical.

"Have you any idea what animal would be in a built up area that sounds like a demon. Making deep gutteral noises, strange unearthly whining sounds? Tried to record it but it's poor. You are the nearest thing I've got to a cryptozoologist" It was true, what Kat knew about animals wasn't worth knowing. She also wanted to be a werwolf (actually I think she said she was a werewolf!) and live in the forest.

"Sounds like foxes screwing, Might be at it tonight too, enjoy"

Kat has a very subtle sense of humour so I'm still not sure whether she was giving me sound advice or taking the piss. I decided not to trouble her further.

FACEBOOK HUMOUR

There have been some interesting ways of ensuring people maintain social distancing. This cafe in Germany is making people wear swimming pool floats on their heads.