*May contain strong language and material that some people may find offensive!*
Date: Friday 6th March 2020
Location: Kirkstall, Leeds.
Specifically:
AR: Wandering around a monastery at Kirkstall in leeds and thinking about signing up providing I can have a hot water bottle up me cassock during winter since, at this moment in time me bleedin’ back‘s killings me, me knees will go down but act like rusted machinery trying to get back up, I’m sick to bleedin death of humping stuff around to steampunk festivals, dragging display stands around, twatting about with shop fittings, stomach bloody hurts as I seem to be suffering with excessive stonach acid, nay food, water down to the last pint, water tank empty, toilet cassette needs emptying (for god's sake don’t strike a match in there! gas is on it’s last legs (plenty in the toilet though!), fucking crap (exactly!) and on top of all this I forgot the ANC album that someone was picking up so thats £25 I’ve lost out on!!
VR: Balls to it - I’d rather scrape me bare arse with coarse sandpaper for an hour 😡
Ah this ain’t the attitude though is it, think positive look at all the good things that are happening right now.
Thats right
FUCK ALL!
Todays view from the car park overlooking Abbey House Museum... ain’t that brilliant!?
Yes!?
No!?
Ah bollox then - it’s best I can do we my back playing up n me knees n shit 😡 not that I’m one to complain etc
5.30 p.m and things are not getting any better. No sooner has the light begun to fade than the idiots are out, pulling up in the car park, screeching and shouting, engines revving up (what do they get out of that!?) and what sounds like some dipshit just banging a railing with an iron bar. WHY??? Seriously!? (Presumably) young, intelligent and people, brimming with vim, vigour and vitality, the life blood of our future and the most constructive thing they can find to do is stand in the cold, the rain and the wind in the grounds of an Abbey and act like a bunch of muppets!
As if all this godforsaken racket wasn't bad enough - a quick look at my reversing camera seems to indicate that a greedy little hand is trying to get on the roof, either that or I’m being attacked by a tarantula! See what you think..
I can’t tell for certain what this UFO (Unidentified Fiddling Object) is so I do what every dipstick does in the classic horror movies; I abandon the shelter and safety of my happy home and go poking around in the dark knowing full well there is a menagerie of loonies out there who have broken free from the leash. Anyway a quick look round the back of the moho and a close inspection of the reversing camera reveals nothing (though I do hear the nearby tones of a couple of giggling teenage girls).
Back in the comfort of Hymie I enjoy all of three seconds silence before I am deafened by the roar of a motorbike. One of those big Harley Davidson things with ape hangers - although in this case they are attached to the owner instead of the bike. He isn't road legal either, no crash helmet - but then his head is probably so thick it could stand being bounced off the odd car bonnet, walloped against a tree or dragged along the road on the end of an exhaust pipe, why, he’d probably enjoy the scenery as he was being pulled along.
I briefly consider a change of parking spot but decide against it. Massive, sprawling city; probably every parking area has its own unique collection of jelly heads bringing their own brand of entertainment. Instead I focus on food - largely because I don’t have any. I locate the nearest Aldi (In Pudsey) and drive there - sat nav indicates 10 minutes tops there and back nae bother. I set off around 7.00 p.m and return at 8.30 pm! cheers satellites but you should be kicked out of orbit. The muppet band are still bloody at it! the only ’musician’ missing from this exotic line-up is the truffle brained bandy legged wallaby with the thud thud thud shite that passes for ‘music’.
21.30 .... and now I can hear blood curdling screams - could be some teenage trolley traveller just being a dick; could be someone being murdered. Would you go outside and check?
Tomorrow I will go ghost hunting. It will be fun to try and spot some of the Abbeys numerous ghosts - as well as save me the expense of buying laxatives.
1.50 a.m: Here it comes - not to be outdone by screamers, railing bangers, roaring motorbike engines and inconsiderate murder victims along comes Mr thud thud thud man (what!? I don’t believe any girl would act this dumb) Now I understand when Leeds tourist board refer to Kirkstall as an area steeped in culture - the talent on offer is genuinely quite something!
4.38 a.m: And...... as if making up for lost time, in comes another thud thud thud man.
I will just have to try and sleep through it 🥺
Your living the life!