Date: Thursday 21st May 2020
Quarantine: Day
Location. Gainsborough
Specifically:
Actual Reality: Marshalls Yard Shopping Centre
Virtual Reality: Thoroughly enjoying my new home, a splendid log cabin set in the majestic splendour of the Swiss mountains. I’m currently sat in my own cinema (The Void Theatre) watching a movie (really? A movie? In a theatre? you don’t say?) while reclining on a plush sofa. In front of me is an ornate marble coffee table complete with reading material and a steaming cup of coffee (obv not drinkable - VR isn’t that advanced!).
After an hour I pause the movie for a bathroom break. I follow the sign for ‘GENTLEMEN’ (which I ignore and walk straight in) ‘unburden’ myself (polite cough) then return to watch the rest of the movie. Great stuff. It is only as I walk towards my ‘upstairs’ bedroom that my foot lands in a soggy area. Tea? Coffee? Juice? Hmmm - I bend down with my nose hovering a couple of millimetres above the carpet.
Sniff sniff.
Wee (The literal version of wee that is - not the sound of someone plummeting downwards on a roller coaster!)
Moppety mop mop
Disinfect
Sniff sniff
Mop diddley mop mop. Mop mop
Disinfect
Sniff sniff
Moppety mop mop
Disinfect
Bloody hell! That will teach me to confuse virtual reality with actual reality. 🥺
Anyway!!! Despite the movie being really good the heat has caused sweat to gather at my temples where the VR headset fits closest. I remove the headset mop my brow just in time to see the power cut out in the moho. (Oh excellent - now I have my own virtual coal mine (this is getting out of hand now)
Nothing for it but to heave my sleeping area back to its place above the cab. I need access to the cockpit in order to fire up the engine and get Hymie’s circulation going again.
Engine is ticking over nicely and power is restored. But I’m not entirely happy. Having the engine running in the middle of a virtually empty retail park is likely to draw attention. There is at least one security guard on duty to my knowledge. I met him last night. He came over to me while I was trying to appear nonchalant on one of those huge semi-circular benches.
He told me that he was locking the gates but that the main entrance was still accessible. Hymie sat approximately 25 yards away from us looking a picture of innocence. I played my part by disowning him. “The motorhome? No sorry I’ve no idea who it belongs to. Nice bit of kit though, wouldn’t say no to one myself”. With that he departed but it wouldn’t do for him to come poking around this evening. “What on earth?? Did you mug the owner and pinch his van in broad daylight?”
MORE GAINSBOROUGH
Gainsborough is a rec. Not a ghastly place ready for demolition (well maybe the benches) but a rec as in recreation ground.
The end of Canklow, or the start, depending on where you enter is close to the Brinsworth area of Rotherham. Brinsworth also had a recreation ground (probably still has but I have neither the time nor the inclination to bother looking) known locally as Brinsworth Rec. This changed the meaning entirely. “Why is it called a wreck?” I used to ask.
“because the kids have caused so much damage they’ve wrecked it”, “a bomb landed there during the war and wrecked the area” and the best one “a motorist was looking for the toilets and drove into it by mistake” “Wrecking it I presume?” “er......yes”
It was a long time before I realised what the true meaning of ‘rec’ actually was. Canklow stunted my language skills for years.
You won’t be surprised to hear that this was only one of many misleading descriptions. Allow me to throw in a few others.
Another good one was an area known locally as the ‘Hay Fields’ which we often frequented in summer. The grass
I got so confused by this word in the area of Canklow, Rotherham where I was bought up.
Sensibly, and no doubt deliberately, located very close to the M1 and M18 motorways as well as the main access route into Sheffield ‘The Sheffield Parkway’. These roads are incredibly useful for anyone finding themselves driving through Canklow and has the sense to keep going.
HATS OFF TO HYMIE
Hats have gone!! Hoo bloody ray! You knew that on Monday of course so this is a bit of a delayed reaction (good for those who get a little over excited from time to time !) This means I am now a few pounds richer, no longer have to lug loads of titfers around and can actually see inside my moho from one end to the other without wincing.
I should have done before and after photos but its s bit late now. Never mind I’ve done the next best thing. Here is a pile of crap that looks slightly tidier than all the hats that were taking up 94.7% of my living space.
and here is the same area now minus the hats!
HYMIE ENHANCEMENTS
Now that I can see the wood for the trees I think its time to buy a few bits snd pieces to pretty up the happy home.
These are my immediate thoughts. Please feel free to share ideas, make suggestions, offer advice!
Because I like frequent changes I’ve decided to use black throws to cover the fixed bed, and dining and reclining area. I will then buy a few cushions in different sizes and in a bold colour. Whenever I fancy a change I can just buy a set of new cushion covers.
Toaster
Microwave
CORONAVIRUS: EVEN MORE ABOUT MASKS!
I have made an amazing discovery! Masks can be used to de-stress you whenever you are feeling frustrated and angry with someone. It works like this...
While you are wearing a face mask no one can see your mouth. Yeah? This means that if someone gets on your winkles you can share your feelings with them. Your voice will be muffled so they will be none the wiser. For example ........
“Hey watch it you just knocked me into a display of tinned pilchards!”
The recipient will hear...
“Hmmm wwww prffft nnnnd pmmmchhds”
Great stuff eh? Lets try another example....
“Your goatee beard makes you look like the hairy one out of the Bee Gees madam”
The recipient will hear ......
“Mmmyrrr gggnnnn bbbbrd bg mmmdddm”
Works a treat. No need to thank me!
BEAUTY SPOT
Well well what an amazing little spot to park for the evening. Nice big lay-by on the road to Gainsborough called, surprisingly, Gainsborough Road. ‘The sun is shining, birds are singing flowers are looking nice’ (a line from a joke I once heard). I decide conditions are perfect for my afternoon constitutional. Having seen a lady return to her vehicle after being absent from it all afternoon I guessed there might be a decent walk somewhere nearby. Rachael messages me a reminder to ask if I’m underway yet! I am now!
Worth pointing out that before heading off into the wilderness I always follow my checklist of safety precautions...
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