Contains adult themes and material which some people may find offensive
Date: Friday 8th November 2019
Location: Brighton
Specifically: PC World and Carphone Warehouse who exist on the same premises but are different companies, except they are actually the same company or some other confusing nonsense. No one wants to have sleepless nights or for their first waking thought to be a concern about money. Fortunately it’s not an issue in my case - because I haven’t got any!
Well alright I do have a bit put by for a rainy day, plus I supplement my income from selling steampunk accessories. It also helps that I have virtually no bills to speak of (other than food and fuel) - but I do still have a cause for concern because the old bank balance is still going down.
I should expect that of course, it’s just that with having very little money going out of my account I suppose I expected it to remain stable, increase even. But all it’s doing is dropping - albeit more slowly than if I had the usual household expenditure.
But what to do about it, that is the question. You see bank balances have always puzzled me for a number of reasons.
When you have a healthy bank balance, as long as your spending is within reason it barely seems to deplete, in fact it often appears to increase.....
Take this example
Bank Balance £82,354
Purchase £24.00
Expected balance £82,330
Actual Balance. £83,786
See!!!
....Yet when you have a tiny or virtually none existent bank balance it seems as though the cost of every item or service is multiplied.
Example 2: Shitty or laughable bank balance. Bank Balance: £270
Purchase: £24.00
Expected Balance: £246
Actual Balance £172.00 !!!!!!
I swear that banks have some devious method of syphoning of your money though I have yet to work out how they do it. Anyway - whatever I clearly need to figure out ways and means of putting some meat on the bones of the old BB.
Right - let’s move on to the biggest set of muppets outside of Jim Henson’s Creature Shop - PC World. Truly, I absolutely hate this company - they are the most condescending bunch of po faced, smart-arsed, dim-witted wankers ever to disgrace the high street. I try my best to avoid them but unfortunately there are occasions when needs must so I pop in - but certainly not to buy anything particularly pricey.
Now there was a time, back in the day, when things were simple. People were polite and courteous to each other, children showed proper respect to their elders and customers were treated with respect. So, if you purchased an item from a shop which later turned out to be faulty you simply popped in, bid the shopkeeper a cheery ”good morning” asked for a refund and were told to ”fuck off” (well, in not so many words) See! Pleasant, polite (mostly) and simple.
Not so today and especially not PC World! These cunts have exactly the same attitude as the old shopkeepers - they will gladly sell you anything (even though they have no idea about what any of it actually does) offer you an extended warranty (which kicks in about 12 months after anything is likely to go wrong) before escorting you to the checkout where you can almost see the Faginesque style of rubbing their hands together as they bundle you out of the door. You better hope the product you bought works because you try getting a refund out of them.
This is where the old attitude and the new attitude part company. As we’ve already seen the old way was quick and simple - but the new way is designed to make your life as miserable as humanly possible for as long as possible through a long winded, process of slow torture and eternal misery known as the ‘24 Hour Helpline’. Do not be fooled - there is only one purpose to this ‘helpline’ and that is to grind you so deeply into the dirt that you will practically beg them not to give you a refund just to end the torment.
Here’s an example of what happens ......
You get home with your shiny new PC, rush upstairs to your man cave, tear open the carton and lift out your computer. You set it up, plug it in, switch on and - nothing. A moments depression followed by a lightbulb moment as you remember - THE 24HR HELPLINE !!!
You ring the number and your spirits soar as your phone is answered almost immediately! Unfortunately it also sinks into oblivion as you hear something that sounds like a busted outboard motor “butt, butt, butt, butt, butt, butt ” as you realise your cry for help has been answered by an operator nestling in a potting shed somewhere in the Punjab.
“Hello, you are through to the PC helpline...
”Yes, I wonder if you c....
”A very good afternoon to you Sir”
“Yes, good afterno........
”My name is Achmed - to whom am I speaking?” “My name is Mr Newton Biggleswade“
”A very good afternoon to you sir. May I be calling you Newton today Sir?” If that be would alright OK sir?”
”Yes, yes that’s fine”
”Many grateful thank you’s sir though in my humble capacity as operator I do not consider myself worthy of addressing one such as yourself in such informality.
“Yes, yes of course, now I wonder if you c....
”Do you have your PIN number sir?”
”Excuse me?”
”Your PIN number, you will have been given one when you are taking your computer to the checkout”
”But no one mentioned that to me”
”Oh dear I am being very sorry sir but without a PIN number I cannot be helping you” Goodb....
“Hold on is this it? I found it on a small sticker just inside the mouses battery compartment”
”Yes that is being very much the one sir this will have been pointed out to you most very carefully sir“
“Yes of course - Now I wonder if you could help me”
”And what is the serial number of your computer sir“
”???“
”I am very sorry but I will requiring your serial number as well sir“
”But where is it!” “It is on the bottom of your computerising moniter sir“ - ”If you would just most kindly turn your computer upside down sir I am sure you will be very much finding it” “Are you taking the piss!” “If you would just most kindly turn your computer upside down sir I am sure you will be very much finding it”
[Clatter] “Ouch” “Bloody fuck!!!” “It sounds like your computer has crashed sir”
”!!!
etc ad Infinitum
To add to your troubles, as if the 24 Hour helpline weren’t bad enough, PC-World and Carphone Warehouse have successfully compounded your frustration by having both shops on the same premises. Not content with making your life utterly miserable after you have left the shop they can now make your life utterly miserable while you are still in it!! This gives them a golden opportunity to witness your misery first hand so they can hide behind their stock of working computers (3% at any given time) laughing like hyenas.
Here’s my experience while in Brighton!!
Called into PC/World/Carphone Warehouse to buy a memory card for my camera. I speak to an assistant.
“Hello - I would like to buy a memory card for my camera”
“What type of camera do you have sir?“
”A Nikon D7000
There is a pause as the poor blighter tries to decide whether a D7000 is something that; floats, drives, or fly’s. He then asks...
“What camera do you have sir?”
”Christ!!!” (though leave that bit in my head) a Nikon D7000 DSLR“
”I’m afraid we don’t have any“
I look longingly at the big display of memory cards. He sees what I’m thinking and adds...
“Sorry we don’t sell those“
”But they are in your shop!?”
”Yes but they are sold by Carphone Warehouse”
”?”
“you need to ask someone who works for Carphone Warehouse”
“?”
He calls someone over - presumably who works for Carphone Warehouse
”This gentleman would like to buy a memory card for his camera“
“Certainly, and what model do you have?”
”Jesus H Christ nibbling on his nuts in the Nags Head - it‘s a fucking Nikon D7000 DSLR!!! (though I did leave out the go forth and multiply bit) “Nikon D7000 DSLR”
He showed me what was suitable and I made my purchase.
End of story!!!!
NOT
Because its faulty .....
See tomorrow’s exciting instalment of (Non) PC World 2!
BRIGHTON BITCH
Ever been to Brighton? Ever been on the beach?No? You should try it. I was very tempted this morning as I stood under the (almost) cloudless blue sky watching people strolling along, hand in hand, walking their pets, nonchalantly gazing at the scenery or taking endless numbers of photographs - even saw one guy with a camera using flash (fortunately he was reported to the police who promptly arrested him). So I thought “it’s such a beautiful day I’ll have a crack at this beach myself.
Big mistake
Got of to a good start when I stepped purposefully from my moho and straight into the path of an oncoming Tony who has a habit of popping up when you least expect him. This time he appeared in front of my window scaring the crap out of me and causing me to topple backwards into a bowl of cereal.
The terrifying apparition that manifested itself while I was en-route to the beach.
Having (sort of) recovered from being ‘Tonied’ at 8 in the morning I then discovered what a devil may care attitude Brighton & Hove council have towards the public. I crossed over the road, through a gate and found myself standing on a railway line!!! I thought ”hang on” beach - railway line - isn’t that a tad dangerous? To be fair to B&H council there was a helpful sign saying ‘look both ways trains approaching!’ But since I was not of the cod persuasion I could only look one way at a time. Not something you expect on a beach now is it!? Still over the railway line and I was safely on the sand.
Except it’s not sand .....
Have you ever tried walking on the thing they call a Beach at Brighton? Cast your mind back to your school days (those of you who are old enough to remember that is) remember that toilet paper called ‘Izal’ that you had use? Yeah that’s it, the stuff that was like a sheet of sandpaper. It had two functions to spread muck around your arse instead of cleaning it, and to cut your arse pieces. Well it’s a fact that Brighton Beach is also made by Izal! Except the functions in this case are to ensure you can only make any progress on the beach by walking like ‘Madness‘ during the song ‘House of Fun’ and to slash your feet to ribbons!
The ‘Madness’ method of successfully walking on the beach at Brighton!!
Step 1: Stand on the beach, feet about 1 metre apart (assuming you have not been squished by a passing locomotive.
Step 2: Survey the scenery; pier, water, seaguls, long lost Tetradactyl‘s etc as it’s the last time you will see anything from a normal perspective for a while.
Step 3. Put your right foot out (Okey Kokey style) while at the same time pushing out your right arm forward and your left arm back. (Your right foot will sink about 6“ into the pebbles causing more agony than you can imagine - this is normal).
Step 4.Now reverse this procedure starting with your left foot out, left arm back. Your feet should now be experiencing excruciating pain similar to treading barefoot on lego - this is normal).
Brighton beach yesterday
Step 5. Carry on in this way, enjoying your
stroll along the ’beach’ while your feet get lacerated to ribbons.
Step 6: Poke the smug bastards in the eye who stroll easily along the beach causing them to blunder onto the railway line in front of a passing train.
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