*May contain strong language and material that some people may find offensive!*
Date: Friday 27th March 2020
Quarantine: Day 5
Location: Huddersfield
Specifically:
AR: Reclining in Hymie finishing my book off.
VR: Wandering around some of the (virtual) worlds most beautiful places; under the ocean (yes very funny, who said “that’s where I belong”?) in the countryside, wandering around a meadow under the stars, scrunching through the snow in Canada. Absolutely breath-taking - the nearest thing to my own holodeck! If you want to try it yourself I can heartily recommend ‘Nature Treks VR‘ Amazing for just over a fiver! GOOD MORNING ???
OMG 11.15 a.m and the shitheads are out with their thud thud thud ’music’ why do they bother varying their playlists? Surely they must know that all they need is one track - they all sound identical anyway CRAP! ‘Music (Hah!) to help demolish derelict buildings.
On top of this are the shouters - why the hell do people (blokes in particular) feel this need to yell at each other when they are less than 12 inches from someones face!!!? I could maybe understand it if they were involved in a desperate argument about politics, religion or served mash when they wanted chips (They are not bloody well called fries OK!!) but they discuss nothing but rubbish. Maybe we are encouraged to stand 2 metres apart but there’s still no need to break the sound barrier in doing it.
No! No! No! Now we’ve got the ‘I’m pretending to speak to a friend but I’m hoping the person in the mobile home will here me’ brigade! This time I distinctly hear....
“Thats what I want a mobile home, just travel about, go to the seaside”
OMG not that one again!!! I know, it probably wouldn't bother most people but after the best part of 12 months it just gets so tedious.
I get messages from Rachael and Kat. Rachael happily is in fine spirits. She went for a run yesterday which always makes her feel better, applauded the NHS staff last night and this morning is giggling over the Coronavirus Rhapsody which I forwarded to her last night.
Have a listen.......
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8KPbJ0-DxTc&feature=share
JOB OPPORTUNITIES
EMPLOYER: KIRKLEES COUNCIL
Tumbleweed Chucker (4 Posts)
4 enthusiastic and energetic individuals required within the Huddersfield area.
This fantastic opportunity has arisen out of the Coronavirus pandemic and subsequent quarantine regulations.
It has come to the attention of Kirklees Council via local interest groups e.g, Equal Rights for Zombies, Apocalypse Anonymous and the Dead Rat Society, that town and city centres should, during a time of national crisis, present a certain look. A look, which is sadly lacking in Huddersfield.
To be fair Huddersfield has done quite well in presenting the right image; loads of busineses are lying disused and derelict, shops are closed and boarded up, there are hundreds of fine examples of smashed windows and falling shards of broken glass, roofs have collapsed in on themselves horrible graffiti. But there is still something missing - tumbleweed!
Yes I know we don’t have tumbleweed in this country but that’s no excuse. Any apocalyptic scene worth its salt should have it. Your job is simply to gather the imported tumbleweed, load it onto a council lorry then go and chuck it round Huddersfield!
Door to door sales
This is not a job for the feeble minded or weak of heart. For way too long our sales force have complained that the job is too easy “nothing to it” said one of our sales girls recently, “I can knock on 500 doors a day and I can guarantee that at least 3 people will buy one of our products.
But this new position presents a real challenge. We picked top salesman Tim Finkle up from
the floor, covered in dust, dirt and bruises, and asked him about his new role; his head in his hands and groaning loudly he told us “been in the area over a week now, I didn’t sell a single thing, no one answers the door and I get screamed at through the letterbox.
CORONAVIRUS: LATEST
CONNIVING BORIS COPS FOR A DOSE OF VD (Viral Disease!)
Latest news on Coronavirus - Boris Johnson (old BJ) himself has tested positive for Coronavirus and is now self-loathing at No 10 (a shady looking wine bar in Soho where MP’s get pissed, go whoring and get high on crack all out of sight of the public).
Well just how do you respond to that eh? The coniving old bastard, we all know what's really happened don’t we!? The flappy haired old buzzard has been oot on the razel, pissing it up in London, using his influence to get him into all the places the rest of us have been barred from.
Yeah - we’ve been confined to barracks, forced back to the days when mother told us “look just get out from under my bloody feet will you I’m trying to hoover under there!” while he gets to wander around in public doing his shopping then visiting; pubs, restaurants, movies and the theatre. All this while the rest of us have to make do with Scrabble, tiddlywinks and colouring in.
WALKIES!
BEST OF FACEBOOK HUMOUR
And before I forget
STEAMPUNK
As a result of quarantine regulations leading to cancelations of all events for the foreseeable future selling is now being moved over to eBay and Facebook. We will still offer our usual friendly and reliable service but please bare with us while we transfer items online. Any issues please pm. Thanks
HYMIE
As for Hymie - he’s just languishing in the sunshine. He needs a bath but no can do at the moment until things get back to some sort of normality.
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