Remember

*Contains adult themes and material which some people may find offensive*

Date: Monday 25th November 2019

Location: Rotherham

Specifically: Clifton Park

Currently early evening and what a totally shitty and depressing day it’s been - I hope I’m not tempting fate by using past tense! Apart from the winter conditions, the evidence of flooding, driving through rush hour traffic (why do I NEVER learn!?) mud filled lay-bys making parking difficult and the constant pissing rain a check on spending over the past three weeks shows spending way over expected levels.

True, I’m only basing this on a record kept over the past three weeks (one of which included a holiday and, therefore, too much emphasis on wants rather than needs) rather than the whole year. Even so it feels like a major blow.

What had I expected? Well frankly, that living expenses would be much lower and, that I would not, within reason, be short of money. The latter is not an issue at present, (very few people, if any, have access to a bottomless pit), but it soon will be if I don’t take urgent action.

Well I’m on a downer I may as well carry on. My blog seems to be going nowhere. I’m confident that my writing is still of a good standard and I certainly have regular readers but much of the initial enthusiasm shown by people seems to have all but disappeared - gone are the glowing testimonials, the sharing of my posts and, most flattering of all, the uploaded Face Book messages telling people how funny my stories are and strongly recommending people to sign up to my blog website.

Despite this, not to mention my own personal efforts at encouraging people to sign up, hardly anyone seems to be doing so. Joining the website is a simple matter of downloading an app, the clicking of which takes you straight to the blog but it seems to be too much effort for most - it seems also as if people are reading the extracts on the Face Book page ‘Captain Victory’s BIG British Adventure‘ and proudly tell me they are following my adventures - they aren’t these are just extracts, tasters of the real blog website and even that needs lots more material adding. Also the Face Book page is out of sync because it’s impossible to get material in a chronological order.

It’s no use complaining or apportioning blame I have to work out strategies that will encourage people to join the actual website.

So enough of all my misery - let’s cheer ourselves up with er... even more misery. Like all the crap today has delivered.

First cock up (why is a mistake often referred to as a cock up? Surely that’s a success isn’t it!? I have researched this for several months/weeks/seconds (delete as appropriate) and have discovered why this is the case. It is because it is only the tail end (titter) of a longer sentence that should read ....

“Goodness me I’m so sorry darling, I can see how you are hot for it ‘n that but I’m afraid I don’t seem able to get my cock up’“

See! I bet that has improved the quality of your life no end.

So today’s first cock up went like this.......

I drive to the doctors in the moho - as close as I could get in 25 feet of vehicle - Northern Ireland) Well OK not quite but I did park it in the car park near Clifton Park where they allow parking on the left as you go in but not on the right as you go out - which sounds a bit Irish.

Enjoyed a steady stroll across the park - if you can call trudging through soggy leaves, pouring rain, damp grass and pathways that appeared to have been repeatedly beaten by an army of fatigued spear bearers - to the doctors where I arrived at 7.50 am to make an appointment (they make appointments from 8.00 a.m).

I simultaneously become aware of the receptionist (or whatever they call these ass hat Hitlers sitting smugly behind plexiglass lest you be desirious of stabbing them in the eye with a fork for being self-righteous and obstructive) asking “how may I be of assistance?” (sarcastic old bitch) and a little sign saying in front of her which reads “Sorry but we have noticed that some patients are arriving early so as to be able to stand a slim chance of booking an appointment for today instead of three months time. For this reason we ask that you return to your seats and wait until 8.00 am before returning in a chaotic scramble to reception where we may give you an appointment but only if ask us nicely - Thank you”. Well, maybe not entirely accurate but the meaning certainly is. As it turned out I got an appointment for 10.05 with a Dr Antony (whoever she/he might be).

Having got my appointment I sat down to wait - and wait and wait and wait; 8.30 a.m, 9.00 am, 9.30 am, 10.00 am 10.30 am finally at 10.45 a.m I enquired at reception about what was going on. I waited and waited and waited some more, staring at the top of the receptionists head (because at this surgery they take the extra precaution of, not only hiding the receptionist behind a screen, having them positioned about three feet under your nose so you think no one is there and go away. I stand gazing blankly at another notice (they do love their little signs) that reads “Your appointment is our priority but please be PATIENT as we may be dealing with an emergency“ Oh how I peed my pants laughing - and what pray, could be the emergency? Tea break is in one minute, new nail files have arrived, the sandwiches are here, Betty’s last day and she’s brought cake!

Finally, when receptionist has finished reading her magazine article - probably something like ‘Top 10 Social Skills for Dealing with Impatient Patients’, very carefully put the top back on her pen, files something away (probably a new little sign), looks over her desk to make sure she hasn’t missed anything - she gives me a look which says “well? since I haven’t been successful in avoiding you and you’re still standing there like an arse, what do you want!?”

“Did I miss my appointment?” It was meant to be at 10.05 a.m?”

”Did you check in?“

“Yes, when I arranged the appointment at 8.00 a.m“

and explained that I would wait”

”But did you come back to reception to check in”

”No because I was already here”

”So you’ve been here two and a half hours?”

”er.....”

”When you make an appointment you have to check in when you arrive“

“But I had arrived! told the receptionist I would wait and sat down over there - I made a limp gesture with my right hand as though I were scattering seed into a high wind - “should I have gone out and come in again?”

”You should have checked in“

This was clearly getting me nowhere. I left saying I would come back in another day.

One stroke of luck. As I sauntered back through the park I noticed lots of interesting stuff lying around that I felt might make nice hat decorations! Big individual red flowers, bunches of the same, more red flowers in big circular arrangements. What a stroke of luck! - well not entirely - I only came across them again because on my way to the doctors I recall seeing a sign chiselled into a big stone tower thing that said ‘Remember Them’ How thoughtful people are!!!

Of course my luck couldn’t last could it? Just as I was sweeping up armfuls of the red flowers to take home with me a policeman came along ....

“What the f**k are you doing?” “Why I’m gathering up these flowers that have been left lying around to use as hat decorations so that I can sell them“

“You do know that what you are doing is disrespectful?”

”er....”

”It is also illegal!”

”er.....”

“You see sir if you wanted the flowers and if you wanted to avoid getting into trouble you should have sent a Welshman to fetch them“

”I’ve not heard that before”

”Oh come now sir - did you not see the notice in front of you that says Cenotaph!”

Some of the flowers I saw lying around

that I was planning to use as hat decorations.

More later guys!!!