Contains adult themes and material that some people may find offensive
Date: Tuesday 26th May 2020
Quarantine: Day
Location: Lincoln
Specifically. Prison. Well I’ve been banned from going anywhere so it feels like prison! Just a very nice prison.
VR: Two meditations back to back amidst a backdrop of surreal worlds. Floating in an area that looks like the inside of a lava lamp.
RIGHT OFF SCHEDULE
Rachael continues helping me return to a work schedule by messaging me at 7.30 a.m as we agreed. She plays her part. I flunk mine. Today I’m even later than I was on Monday. By the time I’m ready to start its 11.00 a.m. I am not proud of myself. I feel worse when Rachael messages a second time......
10.55 am: Hope your day is off to a good start x”
I could lie but that would defeat the object. I asked Rachael to help because I have the utmost respect for her. Lying to her would be unthinkable. So I tell her the truth in a jokey way and hope she’ll be OK with it...
“I’m ashamed to say it is not off to a good start. Slept in and still having breakfast. Please don’t tell me you’re going to give me a good talking to personally while I am currently residing at ‘The Lawn CP on Union Road, Lincoln, LN1 3BU. Outside Stokes cafe where I will be until Saturday. X”
She’s OK with it.
This time.
“Sounds like you had a rough day yesterday? So no I wont be giving you any grief at all xx”
But I can’t afford to start slipping. This is the closest I’ve been to establishing a work schedule. Besides writing full-time requires discipline. My book is days away from the first draft. After that I estimate maybe three months editing?
PARKIE’S DISEASE
Have you ever wondered where parking attendants come from? I don’t mean where they were born and to what sort of parents or whether they were created in a laboratory by a Mad Scientist who winched them up to the attic and shocked them into life by plugging them into the light socket.
No
I mean why is it that, should you ever contemplate ‘forgetting to pay’, and I’m not saying you would, and I’m not saying I have, and I’m not saying I ever w.....
“......... GET ON WITH IT!!!”
“Ah.....yes......so, as I was saying before I was so rudely inter-corrupted. Why is it that, when the last person you wish to see is a parking attendant, the world seems to be mysteriously filled with parking attendants?
You might not have seen one in months, you might have had a bit of a recce to make sure there are none around. But you can guarantee that the moment you nip round the corner for change (packet of crisps with a £20 note) you will return to one of those bright yellow stickers superglued to your windscreen that can only be removed with paint stripper and a chisel.
Sidetrack warning!!
Sorry, I know I occasionally go of on a tangerine but this is impotent. Skip past if you like....
Ever wondered why council parking attendants, or Cou-Patts for short, place the parking notice right on the front of your windscreen?
“Because that way you can’t miss it?”
Really?
Well I can tell you that that is a pile of dodo doodoo (not sure whether thats bird shit or a backing vocal).
You see Cou-Patts. are like nit nurses (for those of us who remember them). Once they have established that you have nits these malicious cretins would *wait until you were out of sight - usually during school dinners or afternoon playtime (didn’t call it break in those days). They would then crawl (like nits!) into your classroom and leave a letter stating that ‘head lice’ had been found in your hair. This letter wasn’t in an envelope, it wasn’t even folded. It was laid out flat and open on your desk. On top of this letter would be a box (like those used for toothpaste) containing a tube of medicated shampoo (yes I was once found to be nit positive!).
Only a small number of people were found to have head lice subsequently only a small number would find letters and shampoo on their desk. This might have been bearable in a school where the children were respectful and intelligent enough to show empathy towards each other. But this wasn’t that type of school. There was no hope it ever would be because the children were largely unpleasant as were most of the teaching staff, including the headmistress (Miss Spencer).
Having our heads checked for nits was much more terrifying a prospect than having your teeth examined or getting a jab. If you returned to class following afternoon break and found a letter and shampoo on your desk your life was over. You became a social parish. No one wanted to sit with you, talk to you or hang out with you or sit with you for lunch.
Because we were all painfully aware of this there would be a mad dash to the classrooms at the end of afternoon break. Kids would fall over themselves in an attempt to get the letter out of sight if they had one and to mock and shout insults if they didn’t. Thankfully the nit nurse disappeared somewhere around the 1990s. Now its up to parents to check their offspring for head lice. Which will be so much easier won’t it?
Thank you for your patience. Normal service will now be resumed....
So to cut a long story down to a sentence where it should have been at the start since I can’t abide people who just go on and on and on without pausing for breath because it gets really boring after a while especially when the talker won’t even draw breath long enough for you to get a word in. The NCP notice is on the front of your windscreen, not so that you can find it easily but to show everyone what a total dick you are.
SO!?
......er
SO WHERE DO PARKING ATTENDANTS COME FROM?
Not surprisingly, because they need to surprise motorists they are trained in espionage, armed combat (wielding a notepad and biro), camouflage and, perhaps surprisingly, woodwork (as in crawling out of the.............). This enables then to pounce on unsuspecting motorists the moment their back is turned.
Heres an example from part of their observational training.
There are 26 parking attendants hidden in the following picture. Can you spot them all!? Then, using your skill and judgement complete the following sentence.....
“Parking attendants are about as much use as ...........
*See!? They were related to parking attendants!
I FOUGHT THE LAW AND THE LAW DID ORDER ME TO STAY IN LINCOLN
As a steampunk I have a decent collection of hats but I will not be lifting a single one of them for Lincoln police force. Group of about 10 blokes sat outside Stokes Cafe on The Lawn CP. They arrive daily causing everyone sat in the vicinity to move away. They sit there from midday to long after dark shouting, swearing, drinking themselves stupid and getting louder and louder as the day wears on. They play heavy rock music which can be heard from every direction, there is the distinct sound of cans being thrown in the floor and bottles breaking. This is before I even get onto breaking social distancing rules (unless 3cm counts as acceptable).
I ring the police. They take details and agree to send someone round IF there is someone in the vicinity. There is. Well done!
Oh!?
They drive to within about ten yards close to this idiot group. I think excellent they are going to take action. But no they turn round without getting out of their vehicle and drive off. I’m now starting to get a bit scared.
Compare this with last years Asylum. I parked my van on the road outside St Mary’s (May have got the name wrong). It wasn’t best placed I admit but traffic could get past. I went to ask someone to move their car so that I could get in a better position. In the 2 minutes it took to find the driver a message came over asking me to go outside to my van. I went out to be confronted by about eight police officers plus one of the asylum organisers. This led to rubberneckers stopping to see what the fuss was about. In the time they took mucking about, questioning me like I was public enemy No 1 I could have moved my van to a better location and said so.
UPDATE
18.30 pm
Police squad car arrives. Whoops maybe I’ve been a bit hasty? The police drives close to my van and continues through the car park coming to a stop about 15 yards away. Silence once again reigns supreme. Amazing what effect a boldly coloured police car and a guilty conscience can have on certain characters.
Squad car has been in place for about five minutes when I notice one of the drunkards breaks rank and heads over to the occupants. On his skateboard. What’s he up to? I decide not to make myself obvious I don’t want the inebriated clan to think I have a guilty conscience as well. “I bet it was him that rang the police!”. He’s talking to the officers but from this distance I’ve no idea what is being said.
Then.
Activity.
Police officers get out of their car (you were expecting zoo keepers?) . One heads towards me, looks about 14 the other (looks ... older) heads over to the inebriated tribe. Probably because Mr Skateboard man has now given them a reason for acting like a twat with a conscience.
Police cadet (well surely he can’t be fully qualified he still looks like someone who has his bottom powdered and plays with ducks in the bath!) approaches me to ask about my van. Am I staying at the Lawn? Do I have a postal address? Is anyone with me? I explain my circumstances - the van is my home, yes I’m staying at The Lawn, no I have no family. He responds in the affirnative. “Oh yes thats good, hm hm, ah yes excellent, good idea, oh yes well done very sensible”. Just as it sounds like kindergarten cop is about to offer me free board and lodgings at a five star hotel his colleague, the proper police officer, strolls over and spoils everything.
Once he’s established I’m living in Hymie, living on ‘The Lawn’(theres no way that’s ever going to sound right) and don’t have a bricks and mortar place to go to it’s problem solved. I’m not going anywhere. I can’t go anywhere! I’m not allowed to until lockdown is over. Well what a shame. Commanded to stay stuck in the beautiful city of Lincoln (I hope they aren’t expecting me to pay parking fees!?).
During the conversation with proper copper and the Milky Bar Kid I notice out of the corner of my eye (what does that mean? The eye is oval it doesn’t have a corner!?) that Mr dumb ass drunk (DAD) in charge of a skateboard man is working his way over to our little group. I don’t react but I sense the fun is about to start.
Sure enough Dad shouts “I’m 2 metres away, 2 metres, look at me 2 metres”. I don’t recall the rest of what he said except to say he didn’t do himself any favours. He was attempting to tell the police they were being unreasonable, did not understand the law and that he was doing nothing other than sit on a bench (sadly deluded). Clearly he had no idea just how obnoxious he and his crowd were being.
Proper policeman was not happy. He told Dad to move back and that he would speak to him when he’d concluded his conversation with me. As a bonus he also threw in a promise that if Dad didn’t clear off he would find himself detained at the pleasure of her majesty. At which point he very sensibly returned to his tottering teammates albeit in the style of a snivelling serf “oh yes sir, a 1000 apologies good sir, yes I will remove my humble personage from your presence good sir. Bow, scrape curtsey grovel etc.
RIGHT OFF SCHEDULE
Rachael continues helping me return to a work schedule by messaging me at 7.30 a.m as we agreed. She plays her part. I fail to play mine. Today I’m even later than I was on Monday. By the time I’m ready to start its 11.00 a.m. I am not proud of myself. I feel worse when Rachael messages a second time......
10.55 am: Hope your day is off to a good start x”
I could lie but that would defeat the object. I asked Rachael to help because I have the utmost respect for her. Lying to her would be unthinkable. So I tell her the truth in a jokey way and hope she’ll be OK with it...
“I’m ashamed to say it is not off to a good start. Slept in and still having breakfast. Please don’t tell me you’re going to give me a good talking to personally while I am currently residing at ‘The Lawn CP on Union Road, Lincoln, LN1 3BU. Outside Stokes cafe where I will be until Saturday. X”
She’s fine about it.
This time.
“Sounds like you had a rough day yesterday? So no I wont be giving you any grief at all xx”
But I can’t afford to start slipping. This is the closest I’ve been to establishing a work schedule. Besides writing full-time requires discipline. My book is only days away from completion. After that I estimate maybe three months editing?
Did you just flick back to the middle of that last paragraph? ‘writing full-time requires discipline’. Then thought ‘well he doesn’t seem to have very much of it’. This is true but I tend to write at down times meals, during a walk, ready for bed. Thats the way I’ve always been. operating out of sync with the rest of the world. If something is part of the mainstream I don’t want to know. If something is out, as in way way out I’m in.
Oh well. Time to bed lulled to sleep by the sound of rowdy drunks smashing up the seating area by the cafe.
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