Date: Sunday 10th Jan 2021
Location: Bed
Specifically: Bed with hot water bottle + Fan Heater + Oven
Mood: I’m Bloody freezing what mood do you think I'm in?
SECOND BIT OF BIG NEWS! NEW SERIES!!
'CONVERSATIONS WITH ALEX'
Alex is my oldest friend (as in I’ve known him the longest not because he’s in that kind of state where he’s old enough to go out into the road but not quick enough to get back). He amuses himself by being an antique dealer, stunt car driver, rock singer, comedian, huge fan of the Procrastinators (or whoever) those two Scottish lads were who sang “I wanna run 5000 miles while you’re behind the shithouse door” and all round nice guy (but hides it much too well) who has a biting ironic/satirical sense of humour and suffers from pathological contraryness.
Alex and myself share the same sense of humour, humour that is so heavily weighted in irony that we could flog it down the scrapyard and make much cash (once admin had completed their iron filing that is! (get in there!). Good for us because it makes for some interesting, if not, unusual conversation, not so good for anyone overhearing because irony is probably the most difficult type of humour to understand, usually because people take it too literally.
But I would now like to take this opportunity to share some, or at least, parts of these conversations with my readers!! Why? Well. because if you are a regular reader of my blog many of you will get the humour and if you don't you'll skip over it and read something else. Of course there are always those who will ignore the warning at the top of my post and read it anyway. In this case it is my hope (Alex can go fuck himself) that we won't be arrested and sent away to dig up large bits of Siberia, smash rocks in the Australian outback (or ‘Beyond ’t black stump’ as they say) or build a new railway over the icy bits of the Pennine chain.
On a final note, before I give you access to our conversations, theres the question of why I use this sort of humour in the first place. I can’t speak for Alex, but I can tell you that I use the humour as a means of drawing attention to certain political issues or issues affecting groups of individuals within society and creating empathy with them.
Take this example I posted to Facebook a while ago... ‘Hedgehogs can have very practical uses. When they're scared they curl up very tightly. You can then take them to the park and use them as a football’
I really got some flak for this. People who knew me well and had never seemed to have a problem with anything I’d said before took exception to this and stuck the boot in.
“This is disgusting”
“Not funny”
”Poor little hedgehog, you should be ashamed”
Along with these posts were a sizeable number of orange anger emojis thrown in for good measure
The idea behind the hedgehog post was to make people feel something. Lets say I’d posted this on Facebook..........
‘Hedgehogs are an endangered species. We should do what we can to protect them’.
A good point and one that will probably get a few ’Likes’ (only because it involves a prod with the index finger). My version makes you feel something. It makes you angry. It forces you to consider how you would feel if this happened for real. But it’s also funny for the same reason. Because it’s just so ridiculous that no reasonable, right thinking person would ever contemplate treating an animal in this way.
Enough! You’ll either get it or you won’t. Here’s the first convo!!!
Moi: “You been marketeering today?” (Alex has a number of market stalls in and around West Yorkshire)
Alex: “Have I fuck as like. The whole plot is called off again thanks to the stupid little lockdown”.
Moi: Well that is a c**t! I've been looking forward to standing behind your pitch again. (I occasionally go and stand with him while he’s trading)
Alex: Maybe in April.
Moi: "F*****g April!!?? Where are our lives in all this s**t? "I know I’ve got one. I had it this morning so it must be round here somewhere".
Alex: "Well there's a virus that kills 0.03% of everyone who gets it you know.
We're not allowed to have lives or anything". (He’s very cynical about the Coronvirus)
Moi: "0.03% Ah yes that virus that kills 99% of household Germans or something. Holy tits!!! Get thee inside an underground bunkling this instant!”
Alex: “I've got four masks on at the moment. Can't be too careful”.
Moi: “Four eh? You’re either exercising extreme caution or you’re a well kinky bastard”.
We move onto my apartment hunting as I tell him about ‘the white house’ in Ellesmere..
Alex: “Is it on the top floor? Some fun could be had from booting you out through the window when a bus is passing by”.
Moi: “Ooh what a great idea! I was having second thoughts but now you’ve really given me something to think about, plus it would make great entertainment for passers by”
REALLY REALLY REALLY BIG NEWS!
FELLOW TRADER GOES ALL AVATAR ON YO ASS!!
Without a shadow of a shout this is perhaps the most amazing news I’ve ever published!!!
If you‘re a steampunk trader, chocolate appreciaterer (and who isn’t?) and/or thrill to the sight of birds with bright plumage e.g parotts, peacocks or David Bowie you will be familiar with my lovely, funny and brightly coloured charismatic chum Fran! You want a prompt!? OK here’s a few snaps of her going around taking selfies, mimicking customers and smacking strange men on the bottom.
OK - So you see how Fran has gained quite a reputation for her exotic plumage. We didn’t think it possible for her to take her exotic style any further but then one day someone told her about a movie called Avatar. Avatar‘s native species are a race known as the N’avi who are 12 feet tall with blue skin (the same colour as people in the UK). Young Fran, finding herself at a loose end one day, took herself and her other half, Kieth - a pleasant and charming chocolatier (bit like a gondolier but involves stiring liquid as opposed to dangling your pole in it) to go and see the film. Fran was enthralled as she saw super fit and athletic aliens whooping, leaping, swinging and soaring through the sky, executing their every move with perfectly honed skills and pinpoint accuracy.
Before the credits had even begun to roll Fran had made a decision, she was going to complete her style by transforming herself into a member of the N’avi tribe (well apart from the height part, she would need to grow another 9 feet for that) It took time to build up the courage but finally Fran sat her hubbie down and told him as gently as she could “Hey husband, I am going to go all Avatar on yo ass!”. Kieth was somewhat perplexed because unbeknown to Fran he had planned to coat her in chocolate and have a nibble of her later on during Eastenders. It never occurred to him that she would change her skin to the colour of Anti-Freeze and run around the garden hunting for food with a bow and arrow.
Of course dying her skin blue was one thing, wallow in a bath of blue dye for an hour and you‘re done. But her height was more complicated. Last time I looked in B&Q I don’t recall seeing any instant growth kits (not for humans anyway) ACME Instant growth kit! just add water and watch your wife grow to twice her height. Also enables you to focus on selected areas) Keith (bless him) steps in with answer “I don’t care what size you are, you’ll always be larger than life as far as I’m concerned.
Awwwww a happy ending!
AND YET ANOTHER NEW SERIES YOU LUCKY LUCKY B******S!!
Who doesn’t enjoy a good problem eh? When they’re someone elses that is. Well since starting my blog I have been absolutely inundated with questions about van-life, personal relationships, culinary techniques and even medical advice “what do you do when you smack your head into an oven cleaner?” “Tell her to shift her ass and start the dinner” (ooh I better to see to it that Rachael doesn’t see this 🥺)
CAPTAIN VICTORY’S TIPS!
Ahoy there Captain Ah Harrrrr (theres always a bloody comedian 🙄)
”I have had problems with a “damn farmer towing a trailer all the way from Penistone towards Huddersfield. He refused to pull over despite my sounding my horn several times, ramming him up his big end and shouting “gerrout the bloody way you road hogging inbred pig breeder”(why not? good manners cost nothing). How do I get someone like this to move?“
Yours Katherine
Hi Katherine
“Ive come across this issue before. Friend of mine and her boyfriend got stuck behind a tractor on the way to Aberystwyth. No matter how many times he sounded the horn, whoever the driver was, he was refusing to move. He got so angry he was shouting and red in the face until someone tapped on his window and told him “it’s no use shouting lovey he has a permit for this spot”
'In your case might I suggest you get hold of a substance called TNT or Semtex, available from all good farm shops, most branches of the MOD and Amazon (guaranteed next day delivery!). Light the fuse and lob it in the trailer. You’ll find that the trailer, the towing vehicle and the farmer (as well as much of the surrounding countryside) will dissapear but at least you’ll be able to squeeze past (Even a crater is easier to manoever than a farmer and his newspaper) Also a handy conservation tip. Before you drive off check to see if there’s any litter lying around and, if so, put it in a bin or take it home to dispose of later. We don’t want to be responsible for any litter related mishaps now do we?“
Drive Safely
Yours. Cptn. Victory
“Ah harrr to you” Cptn Victory
(Christ I’m losing the will to live)
“I’ve heard rumours that the current red UK passport is to be replaced by a blue one. Is there any truth in this?“ I’ve been happy with my present one but I can tell you I won’t be happy about any foreign rubbish, especially if it comes from them froggies.
Yours: Major Pissmore-Quickly
Hello Major
How can you doubt it Sir. The UK government in it’s intimate wisdom has seen fit to issue a bleu passport and yes it was knocked up by those little beret wearing, onion sellers from over the pond (May they choke on their own bycycle clips). Heres a copy of the post I uploaded to Facebook. You can use this as a template or write your own but make damn sure you stay within the boundaries of political correctness, we don’t want to give those shifty eyed little garlic noshers a reason to come over and make us share toilets with wimin and shit in holes in the ground.
“Thanks for posting this! I really had no idea a new design was due. I’ve applied for one immediately - I don’t want to look like an idiot.” 👍
SCIENCE BIT! SUM IMPOTENT FAX ABOUT ASTROLONOMY
Can’t say I’ve ever taken a major interest in astronomy other than from an anaesthetical "ooh don’t the stars look spectacular" point of view. I did once buy a telescope, several actually but sent them all back because I just didn’t have a clue how to set them up, despite the usual platitudes and promises about “as easy to set up as 1,2,3” and all that nonsense. The one I finally kept, because it basically set itself up, did computerised searches and automatically locked on to anything in the sky that was interesting. Eventually I sent this one back as well because what I could see was so underwhelming and disappointing that it wasn’t worth the bother. It’s amazing how much you are expected to understand about the limitations of a telescope that aren’t mentioned in the promotional literature.
First thing is, you know how you see photos of the planets, star formations, galaxies and so on in wonderful, rich colours. Don’t expect to see that through a telescope, or any telescope as far as I’m aware, those pictures have been coloured using filters, Photo editing software and the like. So whatever you look at through your telescope will just be pretty much monochrome. First thing I looked at was Saturn. I could see the rings alright, but no colours, unless you're happy to see everything in a very pale yellow, oh yes, and the size of a 5p coin! Mars looks red of course and that sort of thing but that's your lot.
To look at some of the nonsense on the box you'd almost think that the telescope unpacked itself, ran out into the garden to get organised and give you a shout when it was ready. It's all garbage of course, trust me No matter how many times the blurb tell you that setting up is a cinch; it isn't. 'Sets up in seconds' - followed by many exclamation marks. No. It doesn’t. Smoking one cigarette apparently takes 2 minutes of your life. Well trying to set up a piece of technology will take hours off your life in one go and will involve tearing at your hair, screaming expletives, throwing things and much general farting about! Ringing '24 hour' help lines is a lost cause a) because you will find it doesn’t mean 24 hours in a row and b) it’s a loose definition meaning theres a dial tone - not that anyone will actually answer. If and when they eventually do you will hear a patronising voice tells you you are number one hundred and sixty two in the queue or that your call will be answered in four hours! (did I just hear someone say “if you're lucky?”). I’ve even found in some cases that when you get to pole position the line goes dead and you have to start all over again.
Funniest story I ever heard, though it might just be an urban myth, concerns a lady somewhere in the US of A who rang a helpline because she couldn’t get her computer to operate. After much trying of this and trying of that, all of which ended in abject failure the helpline chappy said “OK do you have the original box for the computer?” “yes” said the customer. "Do you have all the components that were inside?” “yes” "Great now this is what I would like you to do. Unplug your computer and put all the parts back inside the box” “Oh brilliant! Does this mean you're going to repair it and return it?” “No” said Mr Helpline man "we’re asking you to send it back because you’re too fucking stupid to own a computer"
Next disappointment, and as a photographer I should have been ready for this, was camera shake or in this case telescope shake. I’m always amazed by people who want telescopic equipment, be it binoculars, telescopes, mono-scopes, long range camera lenses and the like, that give the highest magnification level possible. The expectation is that the higher the magnification the further you will be able to see and, with crystal clarity. Not necessarily so Because the higher the magnification level the greater the chance of your image being subjected to camera shake. Imagine the level of magnification required to view stars and planets. You might think that your tripod is holding your telescope steady but wait until you look through it. Just touch it ever so slightly - in fact bugger that, just blow on it gently while looking through the eyepiece, the image wobbles like a bovine bartender serving cocktails from a bouncy castle.
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