Contains adult themes and material that some people may find offensive
Date: Tuesday 30th June 2020
Quarantine: Day
Location: You’re not still at it!?
Specifically: Well OK I could tell you. But then I’d have to kill you.
Real world: In a farm somewhere! Satisfied? No? Well sorry it will just have to do.
Virtual world: No more lucid dreaming for starters. (There used to be a much quicker method of achieving lucid dreaming but it’s illegal now I believe. Class A (and I don’t mean the top class in school!)
Went to the movies - SOAP2DAY - watched ‘Mermaid Down’. (Spoiler alert!)
Story...
A mermaid is captured by a psychotic chappie who wants to use her to make money (maybe he thinks she’ll be able to provide ‘discreet’ services by telephone!)
Psychotic chappie removes her tail (Not under anaesthetic ether! Sorry misprint - ‘either’ titter)
Mermaid is rescued by a psychotic chappie who is more psychotic than the first psychotic chappie who captured her and removed her tail in an unceremonious non-ceremony involving a sharp instrument.
2nd psychotic chappie murders first psychotic chappie
2nd psychotic chappie takes mermaid to his psychiatric centre for traumatised women (hardly surprising given his booking in methods).
She grows legs (Yay!)
The other women refuse to believe she’s a mermaid (Boo!)
The other women believe she’s a mermaid when her tail grows back after sploshing around for a bit in a mud bath.
All the women go to the seaside for a bit and mermaid returns to the sea.
Mermaid kills the nasty psychotic psychiatrist (just as well because he’s the only person who was insane anyway).
Fin (Ho ho)
ENGLAND TO WALES
I've always loved those photo’s people take where they are stood on the border between one country and another - USA/Mexico, USA/Canada. So when I looked at my exact location and discovered I was right on the border between England & Wales I immediately wandered around looking for some sort of signpost where I could take a selfie.
Nothing. I couldn't see one anywhere.
I expect one will turn up. But in the meantime I did come across another type of sign.
Just when you thought the world was becoming a better place, people being nicer to each other, the environment having a chance to heal, crime figures way down and people putting human relationships before technology what do I see on a casual stroll along one of the UK’s most beautiful pathways. Bloody graffiti!! Eh!!? And whose responsible. Dunt need to ask do yer!? Bloody pensioners that’s who, wi nowt to do.
You’ve seen those bloody fridge magnets? The ones made up of letters of the alphabet. You turn your back for five minutes and what happens! along comes Granny and rearranges the letters into swearwords.
Now just look at this sign. Easy to read on the top - in English innit!? But the last line. Clearly some cheeky old scrote has been buggering about with the letters and turned them into gibberish. What if those letters were a safety warning of some kind? somebody might get hurt or cause an accident or something.
Irresponsible that all today’s pensioners are. Damned irresponsible!
Anyway no point crying over spilt Earl Grey and dropped humbugs - what's done is done. But it's good to see that the children have been setting an example in the form of a nice picture warnign people about the dangers of driving too fast. Well done kids - you are an inspiration to England (or Wales because I'm not sure what bit I'm actually wandering around in).
A few yards further along and I find myself in Bettisfield - just in case you didn't notice the big sign with 'BETTISFIELD' on it! Strangely enough, despite the rather obvious lack of people, I get a feeling similar to walking into one of those country pubs filled with locals who freeze like showroom dummies the moment someone enters who lives more than 3 yards beyond the village boundary. It's like the shop in 'The League of Gentlemen' comedy series where the shop owners despise anyone who isn't local "Whats all this? whats going on?" This is a local shop for local people, there's nothing for you here".
Four seconds on and I'm just about to leave Bettisfield's main road when I see two men. One is pulling large weeds out of his garden while the other is actually stood with his thumbs tucked into the waistband of his trousers. As I passed I almost expected him to lean backwards saying "Aye yer need ter keep a sharp look out 'arold when yer've got unwelcome strangers wandering about" - followed by the regulation pointy stare which means "yes I'm talking about you but I'm to chicken shit to make it obvious'. I walked past ready to say "hello" but they were clearly more interested in discussing the best way to get rid of weeds (and no my ears weren't burning thank you).
I had walked to Bettisfield in the hope of finding something more interesting to look at than hedgerows and dangerous roads - the type where, if you don't stand very well back for an approaching vehicle, you could easily get your nose put out of joint (or maybe sliced of altogether) and the tyres over your feet (hence the expression flatfooted). I was in luck! Just over a humpbacked bridge there was a canal with barges and a path suitable for a stroll. I know - it doesn't sound much to get excited about does it? But after the boring looking scenery I had so far encountered that bridge with it's views over the canal was as enticing as a sandy beach in the Bahamas (well, at least a waterlogged gravel pit nestling amongst a cluster of ferns, brambles and an assortment of stinging nettles) .
It couldn't last. A few yards along the tow path, a handful of photographs and a near miss where I almost fell into the canal later and it was bucketing with rain. The cosmic comedian strikes yet again - someone was determined that, one way or another, I was getting a soaking.
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