*May contain strong language and material that some people may find offensive!*
Date: Thursday 19th March 2020
Location: Huddersfield
Specifically: Currently trying to work out which way is up.......
..... and until I do I will continue with my coronavirus news updates!
CORONAVIRUS: LATEST!
MAN SECTIONED UNDER THE MENTAL HEATH ACT!!!
Reports are coming in, about a man who was sectioned under the mental health act this morning for not engaging in conversations about the Coronavirus. The man ‘Frederick Whelksnurter’ was spotted by an eyewitness casually walking into Asda and talking about a movie he watched on TV last night!!!
Ada Scumpedlar told us “I simply could not believe my ears, there I was just chatting to my friend about the best substitute for toilet paper (not ’The Sun’ as it’s already filled with shit) when this man walks past talking about a movie! So, I asked him “was this about the Coronavirus? He brazenly admitted that it wasn’t. Disgusting! The moment he continued on his way I marched off to notify a supervisor.
As we approached from behind it was possible to hear his conversation. This time he was talking about a book he was reading. A potential toilet roll!? the supervisor asked him “ Do you plan to share this with friends and relatives? “Why no“ he said I borrowed it myself from the library”.
Now one different subject I could write off as a relatively mild mental health issue but two!? Very, very worrying. I also heard that over the past three years he never once mentioned ‘BREXIT’. which illustrates that his condition had been getting worse over time. When he then started talking about football and nipping out for “a kick about with the lads this afternoon“ the supervisor rushed of to call the authorities.
PANIC BUYING BEGINS IN ERNEST!!!
More public concern related to panic buying - this time affecting mainly hardware stores. “It’s madness“ said the manager of B&Q, I came in this morning at 5.00 a.m to see a long queue of people who apparently had been waiting since midnight.
Soon as we opened they made a bee line straight for ‘Home Security‘ clearing us out of locks, keys, security chains, alarm systems and CCTV cameras. Tempers flared, aggressive behaviour was common and I overheard comments like “they can fuck off if they think I’m having my kids at home for 6 months!“ “Joe & Mary will be back in a few minutes I need to get the locks changed before they get home” and ”sorry can’t stop we’re moving to Lindisfarne before the tide comes in!
CRETIN-1 - BULLETIN
A local amateur photographer captured this amazing photo of a group of panic buyers outside Tesco’s this morning (who, not surprisingly, all tested positive for the CRETIN-1 virus.
Please note
Although this group have, respectfully, been asked to self- immolate in the interests of public safety - researchers have since discovered that they can also be stopped by; running into them with a supermarket trolley filled with potatoes, hit at 60 mph with a motor car, (loads of fun for all the family!), shot in the head with an AK47 or, my own personal favourite, suffocated with toilet paper!
Bastards!
STAY SAFE EVERYONE!
QUEEN SELF-ISOLATES
The queen has announced today that she is to set an example to the British people by going into a period of self-isolation. To further reinforce the message she will move out of Buckingham Palace and take up residence in a small cave. Though her majesty was quick to point out that this was in no way a deliberate excuse to get away from “that “bloody buffoon of a husband” avoid meetings with “the imbecile Boris Johnson (or BJ as he is commonly known”) and avoid that jug eared clod - Prince Charles - referred to in private by the royals as ‘Bonzo’.
However, the queen has refused to tell us how long she expects to be in self-isolation but current estimates - based on the life expectancy of the royals - is around 75 years.
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