*May contain strong language and material that some people may find offensive!*
Date: Thursday 12th March 2020
Location: Milnsbridge, Huddersfield
Specifically: Not entirely sure - just woke up and feel like my head has been filled with sponge (good quality ones, y’know, those proper sea sponge things, not the stupid crap you see doon the market in the shape of; sea creatures, cartoon characters and people's dangly bits.
....although its not actually her that‘s been away. In an attempt to focus on making stuff for my upcoming event at Shrewsbury I decide to chuck my phone and iPad in a drawer - an extreme measure and, given the value of social media in keeping up to date with steampunk events, one that I can’t sustain for more than a few days. But, hopefully, I will be able to get some decent stuff put together.
Fortunately it works, from a making point of view, but I miss my friends - apart from Alex of course since I’m living under his roof.
Early evening and Alex announces that Rachael has messaged him - she’s checking I’m OK. I ask him to message her back to say I’m fine and that I’ll message shortly when I’ve charged up my phone.
TERMS & CONDITIONS APPLY
”er .......what?’
Sorry - rapid change of subject on overhearing one of those dumb adverts where the companies have a legal responsibility to include the terms & conditions. These things constitute some of the funniest things on television at the moment as companies try every trick in the book to play down the T&C’s - usually by tacking them on to the end of the advert and reading them out at such speed they become practically indecipherable (but then, thats the idea).
The stupid thing is that the harder these companies try to play down the T&C’s the more ridiculous they sound. it’s obvious that these companies don’t really want to include them for fear it will put people off buying their shitty products/services and show the public what a bunch of rip off merchants they actually are. Having said that these things are just so funny, I mean you have to laugh at just how much stuff they try to squeeze in. If you want to get a better idea of what i’m talking about then here’s something you can do. Take a page from a book, preferably one of those where the print is so small you can only properly make out the words with a magnifying glass and a spotlight connected to a generator big enough to power up a lighthouse.
Then, using a stopwatch, read the text aloud in front of a small audience in 1.4 seconds. (This is roughly twice the length of time used by advertisers but since you're new to this I’ll
make things easier). When you've finished you can then ask questions to find out how many audience members understood what you were saying.
Example: Audience of 25
More than 5
We’re a little liar aren’t we eh? We don’t actually want people to understand the words you know.
A: 4-5
Well done! Your eloquence and clarity are, to put it mildly, crap. Pack your job in now and either get a job as an announcer for British Rail or go make some TV adverts
B: 2-3
Give yourself a pat on the back. You are capable of reading small text clearly and legibly but your technique would benefit from the use of breathing apparatus in order to avoid gasping for air during the task.
C; 1-2
A noble attempt. Just a shame you turned blue and had to be resuscitated by paramedics.
Payment for the task!? Fuck off! you should have read the T&C’s!
Here the advertisers, instead of carefully outlining the t&cs, do everything in their power to think them out of existence. Firstly they tack them on the end of the advert. This is in the hope that the public has been so utterly enthralled by the news that, should you take out life insurance, you will receive up to £3,000,000 benefits for 50p a month and, as a bonus, if you buy NOW you also qualify for a free gift!! This is always some useless piece of crap like a digital alarm clock (I’m retired for fucks sake! I don’t care what time it is!!) which will serve as a constant reminder that your time on earth is almost up and thst from this moment forward your family will be constantly dropping hints that you're overdue a visit to the hereafter and would you please get a move on as they could use a few bob. That’s it! I throw my phone down on the couch (it came startlingly close to going out through the window!). Selfish morons suffering from
acute me-itis panic buying big rolls, I can cope with Gigs being cancelled at the last minute I can handle but then I have a quick look on Facebook and discover that the Doncaster Steampunk meeting has been cancelled!!
MEMORIES! Junk pile No 3!
Looking forward to my Steampunk meeting at the Queens Head next week as I finally have a vehicle that I am confident will get me there and back......probably because it isn’t capable of doing anything else. After parting with a very sizeable amount of cash, taking a friend with me who understands cars better than I do, going for a test drive and specifically asking if there was anything else I needed to know about the vehicle; I discover, during the process of overtaking someone on the fast lane of the motorway, and suddenly feeling the effects of G force on my face, that the nice man at the dealership forgot to mention that the car is fitted with a limiter! 😡😡😡 . On the plus side it is nice to be getting cheques through the post from the SORN declarations! 😂
.... well if you’d seen it you know why I make reference to it! Lets see if I can find a an example...
Aldi
Bog roll all gone
ALEX
Been a while since Alex was featured so we’re due for a catch up!
We’re all of us familiar with cockney rhyming slang and most of us can probably think of examples that have dropped into the lap of popular culture;
Apples & Pears = Stairs
Brown Bread = Dead
Trouble & Strife = Wife
Butchers Hook = Look
Dog and Bone = Phone
China Plate = Mate
Loaf of Bread = Head
I better stop there, I hadn’t realised so many were in daily use. In fact, even though rhyming slang is supposedly dying out, more are still being added e.g like Ayeton Senna = Tenner. This is the part where Alex makes his entrance.Why? Because he insists on using his own rhyming slang - which, I promise you is a sight more entertaining than that which originates from within the sound of baubles - or bow bells or whatever those things are that get binged, bombed and bashed on Sundays and special occasions by pensioners who spent their teenage years riding around on motorbikes with the silencer removed (noisy bastards) and are still desirious of making a deafening racket.
I confess I used to find this deeply irritating, because I would have absolutely no idea what he was talking about. After a while though I began to see its potential..... why not ‘customise’ rhyming slang! y’know add a bit of spice to it!?
Pubic Hairs = Stairs
Baldy Head = Dead
Twisting the Knife = Wife
Nosy Fuck = Look
Scream and Moan= Phone
Dreadful State = Mate
Bucket of Lead = Head
Hah! A great improvement! But Alex is much better.
Maxine Carr - Bar
Cyril Sneer - Beer
Exchange and Mart = Fart
Captain Kirk = Turk
Jonathan Creeks - Sikhs
Muslim Prayer Mat - Cat
Dangly Bits - Tits
Thermostat - Cat
Bobble Hat - Cat
Vomit Slurry - Curry
and as you can see, just to keep things interesting he changes the rhyme!!!
Occasionally he outdoes himself and comes up with quite elaborate stuff; like this message I recieved yesterday
“The rub a dub dub will be Pizza Hut at this Islamic State“
and.....
“I've just had a knife and fork up the Grant and Phil where I saw some compost heap”.
hmmm moving along.....
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