Date: Friday 4th September 2020
Location: Northfield
Specifically: What the hell!? Bugger off! Surely you knew I was in the shower!
It’s a little disconcerting after watching fourteen seasons straight of Forensic Files to then look out of your rear window and be confronted with the sight of three people who all seem to be involved in some way or other with burying something in the back garden! Especially when one of those people is studying forensic science. Perhaps I ought to have thought twice before rushing outside for a closer look but curiosity got the better of me (I just hope they are all cat lovers!)
It turns out that Sean is digging a hole further down the field/garden/track (or whatever an acre or so of grass doing nothing in particular is called on a farm) and both Ian and himself are bringing the extricated detritus down to this end of the field and dumping it on top of a pile of overgrown nettles and weeds. I wonder what Ali’s role is in all this? Usually if hubby and Ian are outside playing (or working on a project as they call it) Ali will be there. Often she’s taking photos with her mobile so could be it’s some kind of role play where they’re burying a mannequin in place of a body and she’s practicing taking photos of the crime scene (though what an interesting way to cover up a murder that would be! “Burying a body!? No it was a shop dummy that we found in the barn and Sean just cleaved it with an axe to add a bit of realism” (the real body is lying under a tarpaulin next to the turnips - titter)
THE RUSSIANS
Anyway I just remembered that I promised to tell you a bit more about my Russian friends. So as I was saying Yulya walked into Dumbledores office with the tea, three slices of tart (a sort of Russians Pie!) and a guilty expression. Clearly her and Natasha had finished talking about me and were ready for phase two - the personal grilling a.k.a the Spanish Inquisition! (I know, doesn’t quite work but Russian Inquisition sounds pants). I’m sure you don’t want or need a transcription of the conversation so I’ll just give you the highlights...
Yulya thinks it’s really cool that her mum is going out with one of her teachers!
Natasha is married to a professor which explains all the books
Natasha and husband are separated so he’s moved into an apartment while she and Yulya stay at the house.
Natasha will soon be visiting Russia and I have been invited! How cool is that? (Too bloody cool if you go in the winter which fortunately I didn’t)
On that note I decided it was time to learn some basic Russian!
I did pretty well as it happens. This is what I learned...
Russian was a bloody stupid language to learn when I should have realised I would be taking early retirement in ten years time and driving around lots of places where no one speaks Russian.
Never reply ‘a little’ in answer to the question “do you speak Russian? “
You can impress people with your language skills by asking for things in English with a Russian accent.
The Russian for ‘sorry’ is a simple gesture that involves shoulder charging people and staring at them with a fierce expression. It is most frequently used when getting on and off the tube train. It’s also worth noting that Yorkshire people have a unique expression they use in similar situations. For example when someone is blocking their path they simply say “get art the bleedin road”.
You can be multilingual in seconds (or mul-tie-lingwal if you’re American) as everyone uses body language. A word of warning though! be careful though as there are some important differences which, at best, might unwittingly book you a call girl while others might get you killed).
Here are a few examples but be sure to check others.
Nod = Yes in England
But means ‘No’ in Greek!
Shake head = No in England
But means “Yes” in Greek
Could result in any number of long and pointless conversations. For example...
(In English for the sake of simplicity)
Greek) would you like me to fill your bathtub with eels?
English) Shake Head
Greek) OK”
English) Noooo what are you doing!?”
Greek) Putting eels into you bathtub”
English) Shakes head vigorously
(Greek) “You sure”
English) Much vigorous head shaking
Greek) “OK”
English) “Noooooo I said I don’t want any eels in my bathtub!”
Greek) But you shook your head”
English) I meant “No”
Greek) “But you said yes”
English) “Did not”
Greek)”Did too”
English) “Did”
Greek) “Didn’t
etc......
Firm Handshake = Denotes confidence in English
But is rude and aggressive in Turkey.
Turkish) “Hello there”
English) Firm handshake “Hello”
Turkish) “I beg your pardon!?”
English) “Eh?”
Turkish) “You insult me!”
English) “I did not!”
Turkish) “Did”
English) “Didn’t”
Turkish) “Did too”
(Many hours later)
English) “I did not”
Turkish) “Did”
English) Didn’t
etc
Curling the index finger with the palm facing up
England = come here
Philippines = So vulgar it can get you arrested
English) Curls the index finger with the palm facing up. “Come here”
Fillipino) "What!? How dare you!?”
English) "Eh?"
Fillipino) “Police! Arrest this man”
Police) "What has he done?"
Fillipino) “Why he has only gone and curled his finger at me"
Police) "What!? The swine! I will arrest him immediatelty for you sir and make sure this scum never walks the streets again (or gets an opportunity to go shopping for a mail order bride")
Now another thing that has been doing my head in since I went on the road is this sign....
Or more to the point the positioning of it.
Now as you know I rarely complain about anything and perhaps I’m just turning into a curmudgeonly old b*****d but surely I’m not the only person who believes that signs should be placed in such a way as to give motorists plenty of time to manoeuvre into the signposted area.
So why is it that every-time I see one of these signs (interesting that it’s a big P because its certainly an accurate description) it is positioned right on the actual turn off!?
I can’t tell you how many lay-bys I’ve missed because of these signs. “Ah ha! parking at last..... WTAF!?” and just like that you’ve overshot the runway and the only thing visible is a sign saying ‘No turn-off for 236 Miles’
Even worse can you imagine if motorists took these signs literally? Here’s one example.
...and just look at this. Guy at the bottom of the heep saw the P sign causing him to brake suddenly and this was the result! And look at the poor chap on the right. Another victim of the P sign who braked suddenly. Fortunately he was in a convertible (he also got to the front of the queue at the ice-cream van!)
On a brighter note! If you get irritated by motorists who fall into the ‘shite parking of the highest order’ category. Use one of these parking notices available on eBay!
On a miserable note it seems Welsh teenagers have been influenced by Welsh pensioners - I refer to the ones who were caught buggering about with the letters on a sign at Bettisfield recently. Just look at what the little vandals have done!! Turned this sign into an anagram!! Lets hope motorists don’t stop to rearrange the letters or there will be a line of cars stretching all the way back to the M62.
Comments