*May contain strong language and material that some people may find offensive!*
Date: Saturday 9th May 2020
Quarantine: Day 40 *BF = Day 627.
Location: Leeds
Specifically: Methley
*Boredom Factor - just as the wind chill factor causes the air to feel much colder the BF makes the days seem much longer.
METHLEY
Yay! I finally make it to Methley.
Having checked the route on Google maps yesterday evening I noticed there is a route that follows the canal tow path and enters Methley from a different direction to the one I took yesterday. ETA is given as 24 minutes from where I’m currently parked up (Side of the road next to a bramble bush - exit left; mowed down by traffic exit left flesh torn to shreds). Sure enough I try it, it works (its also a very pleasant walk!) and I arrive at my friend Debs house!!! Yee Haaaa!
STEAMAGOTHICA
Deb is one of those multi-talented artists who seems to have an endless supply of ideas. When we first met at Bradford Industrial Museum in Bradford (bet you didn’t see that coming) she was selling Jewellery aimed mainly at the steampunk/goth market. It was fascinating stuff, constructed mainly from watch and clock parts from what I could see.
She went on to tell me about a Facebbok page founded by a friend of hers called ‘Isolation Creation’ (which makes a change from the usual sort of girls names) a page for people to showcase their ideas inspired during lockdown.
As well as the jewellery Deb seemed to be coming up with new creations on an almost daily basis! I looked at a selection of Paintings she had recently completed. A country scene dominated by a rainbow (very topical at the moment with the colours being used to symbolise the work done by NHS staff in relation to COVID-19) a steampunk skeleton (“I’m not good at faces so just wanted to have a try). I was particularly struck by a selection of three dimensional brightly coloured mandalas (A type of Buddhist symbol) that were laid out on the living room floor. Deb told me they were made using a method of crafting known as quilling.
Here are some more examples. If you want to have a go yourself theres a link to a selection ofg quilling kits on Amazon. Great if you want to quill some time. (Titter)
METHLEY
There is much controversy surrounding the suburb of Methley. This has come about largely due to confusion about what the area is famous for. Opinion is divided between coal mining, on the one hand and manufacturing recreational drugs on the other.
Well, the proof of the pudding is in the eating as they say so lets look at the evidence. Mining - well come on then show me anything round here that looks like a mine. Eh? Don’t bother because I’ll tell you what there is..... theres nowt.
So these two lads did a bit of research using some old newspapers and a copy of The Sun. Guess what they found!? The full name of this old scrote was possibly a guy called Arthur Scargill and yes, he was originally associated with mining! But, and heres the thing, he was born in Barnsley! not from Methley at all. Oh dear.
Except a stupid rumour.
A few months ago a couple of schoolboys, who’s combined brain power would struggle to outsmart a sardine, were out skateboarding in an area of Methley known locally as Scar-Gill Fell (The name being taken from a scruffy little man in a raincoat who used to run around flashing old ladies and running away. Until one day he tripped, fell into a ditch and was whopped several times over his bonce by 17 octogenarians from the local bowling club for being a bastard).
Never mind, lets look at the recreational drugs theory.
Well doesn’t take a genius does it. Theres no need to even bother with any research in a sense. Just stand still and look around you. What do you see? Huh? Yup! Grass, grass and more grass as far as eye can see! And ‘Grass’ is the street name for one of the most popular recreational drugs ‘Cannabis’.
...and just look at this sign!
Ah hah!! All falls into place now doesn’t it!? Clearly they are very much aware of the street value of cannabis.
On the topic of signs, can you spot the other obvious giveaway? Yes! First four letters is METH!! Ah ha!!! See clearly all those odd looking buildings you see lying around, the ones you thought contained cattle feed, bales of straw and piggy food are clearly used for the illicit manufacture of METHylated Spirits and the drug Crystal METH! The devil take them and their shameful behaviour and slack attitude to drug use!
.....and, much as it pains me to point it out, here is a photograph taken in Methley of a family indulging in all the local produce! Meths, Crystal meths and grass. They have also clearly imported other illegal substances. Sorry I can’t take any more I’m going back home.
Actually before I leave this PLACE OF EVIL I must just nip to the post office. Deb has a few bits to do as well so we head out - 2 metres apart of course.
The walk is pleasant enough, very scenic, cotton clouds drifting across the sky, people chatting to each other from respectable distances and Deb loafing around on the gravel path. “Er can you do that after we’ve been to the post office?” I ask.
Oops my mistake she isn’t in the sunbathe position she’s in the ‘just caught side of shoe on side of path sending me arse over tit’ position. Well how was I to know. I respond like a gentleman - with tact and sensitivity. “I was not aware that you did your own stunts as well as paint and design things out of coloured paper”. I help her up. She’s not hurt - fortunately - and so we carry on....
“My CD player is knackered” she tells me which is of course the first thing you’d talk about after throwing yourself at the floor. I offer to have a look at it, adding “of course thats all I could do I’ve no idea how to repair them”.
At the post office it’s the usual social distancing scenario, a queue about 2 miles long but with only 3 people in it. But everyone is quite cordial, chatting among themselves, soaking up the sun and clutching their little packages.(what!?)
Across the road a guy is trimming his hedge and playing dance music. Very pleasant. I imagine everyone in the post office queue dancing - like in the dole queue on ‘The Full Monty!’ Of course no one does but some discreet toe tapping tells me they’re all tempted. OK by me just as long as they don ‘t go completely full-monty that is.
I tell Deb about my first failed attempt to get to her house, courtesy of being twatted about by a vindictive sat-nav that can’t tell the time and has no sense of direction.
“You could have driven over and picked me up me up” I suggest.
“But I don’t drive”
“er.........”
“......I don’t even have a car”
“Well there wouldn’t be any point if it was easy would there?”
“???”
I’m pleased to let Jodie know that, at last, I have managed to get her parcel in the post to her.
“Hi Jodie - Success finally got your parcel off - my friend knows a post office who open beyond the usual opening hours! Miserable twats though - I told them I also wanted to collect my pension. Mucked about for ages then had the audacity to say I didn’t qualify for it for another 15years. I said I know I don’t I just wanted to collect a pension. Crap. Hope the projector will be OK for you!”
SMURF
Seems that Yeti and her two sidekicks Pinky and Perky from Lemonroyd Marina have a nearby relative - a little man (a dodgy sign) who is all baggy shorts, hairy calves and wearing a silly blue cap that makes him look like a smurf.
Rewind a few hours...
Deb shows me an area round the back of her house which will be perfect for Hymie if only I can get his huge frame through the narrow entrance at the other end. I have a shufty and decide it looks doable.
I nip home for a bite to eat and to drive back to Methley with Hymie (though in truth it would be difficult to drive there without him). I park up near Debs and let her know that I’ve arrived.
Soon as I’m back in Hymie Smurf starts giving me evils from the safety of his dominion - hands on hips of course. His body language spells out the usual, “how dare you park on my road in your vehicle when the right to park there applies only to me (and to a lesser extent - my wife)!”
Ever considerate towards others I nipped across to his drive, let his tyres down, gave his windscreen a good seeing to with a crowbar and wacked him in the Charlies with a cricket bat. Problem solved! Doesn’t need to take his car anywhere until it’s repaired, in way too much pain to worry about driving anywhere anyway!
Am I a genius or what!!?
But here’s the thing; was he grateful!? No! Not a bit if it. Miserable old bastard is being a right old drama queen, eyes watering, hopping all over his drive like a red faced dwarf (despite his blue colouring), nursing his scruttocks with both hands and whining about the damage to his car! After all the bloody effort I went to in order to relieve his concerns about having to drive anywhere!
.... and they say that the world is becoming a better place as a result of being in lockdown. Not with this bloke it ain’t.
One day I really must put these devilish thoughts into practice.
Goodnight everyone and stay safe.
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