*May contain strong language and material that some people may find offensive!*
Date: Saturday 11th April 2020
Quarantine: Day 19
Location: After three! and a one and a two and a three and ‘HUDDERSFIELD!’ well done everyone, I didn’t think anyone would remember. 🙄
Specifically: Clue 😴
VR: Riding a roller coaster through an island and collecting big gold coins while being attacked by pirates and threatened with decapitation (sounds like a way of forcing people to write only in lower case letters) and
Wandering through a ghostly facility (which could be anywhere on earth at the moment) while being hunted by bizarre lifeforms.
Scrapping with more zombies in a canyon while trying to disable a device that would annihilate the world 🥱 and get some practice in, for the coming zombie apocalypse. REVELATION NO 1
When you read a book, see a pantomime or watch a movie it’s natural to want to identify with the hero in some way.
Turns out I get the opposite.
Today I took the Hogwarts sorting hat test to see what house I was in. Gryffindor bound to be, I’m one of the good guys. Turns out I’m in Slytherin. I better not let Alex see that, he’d see it as further reinforcement of the ‘Dodgy Dave‘ label; a slippery character who hangs out with the drug dependant and deals with gangsters. Oh dear and to think I always believed I was a decent chappie and supported noble causes 🥺
REVELATION NO 2
Turns out my friend Derrick used to be a model! A career he was absolutely made for! There’s no doubt he cuts a dashing figure strolling through the night masquerading as Dracula (at least I think he’s masquerading as Dracula though it’s possible he could be a Bow Street Runner, a funeral director or a body part broker who will kindly offer to remove limbs from people who are struggling to meet loan repayments.
I too fancied being a model in my younger days but gave it up because I couldn't decide whether I wanted to be an; aeroplane, a motor car or a steam-engine.
DUMB QUESTION
OK dumb question - no seriously, a dumb question. Not one of those dumb questions masquerading as an intelligent question, virtually guaranteed to illicit the response “that’s not a dumb question at all, now here stop all that crying, take this tissue and don’t take on so” but a really, really dumb, died in the wool, dumb question so unbelievably staggering in its dumbness that it is the dumbest question in the whole history of absolutely dumb questions....
Right then........
Oh bollox I forgot what it was now 🥺
FOOD COMPANY PREPARES FOR A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE!
Entrale Foods Ltd the company responsible for the little foil packs of tasteless shite known to the half-baked, dumb and pathologically stupid (aka ‘those who believe that 2 metres is the distance between thumb and forefinger’) as ‘Branes Faggots’ have made an executive decision to alter the name on the packaging and, at the same time, tweak its customer base (which sounds painful but what do I know?)
CEO Mohammad Assid explained that the move comes as a direct response to the current overwhelming level of support for the LGBT community where thousands of householders placed rainbow posters in their front windows.
Mr Assid told us....
”in todays enlightened climate of fairness it is no longer acceptable to use the term ‘faggot’ on food packaging, as a result we have taken the decision to remove the word entirely from our product range“.
At this stage our interviewer was at pains to point out that removing the word ‘faggot’ might lead to some confusion about the package contents. “On the contrary” said Mr Assad, “that is entirely the point”. I’m aware that our consumers have not been entirely happy with the taste of our product. This doesn’t surprise us because the reason for the strange taste is that the package actually does contains brains.
You see the current pandemic regarding the Coronavirus has increased the chances of a zombie apocalypse. Should such an event occur it is only right and proper that zombies are treated with the respect and fairness we have come to expect in a politically correct society".
The difficulty we face is that there will be a number or moaning minnies kicking up a fuss about a minor decrease in the local population simply because a number of them have become zombie food. Our product means that, instead of zombies ganging up on members of the public in order to crack their heads open and consume the contents, they can now simply stagger along to the nearest supermarket, fill their trolleys with our brains (if you get what I mean) then take themselves off to a cemetery for a feed. Result! Entrale Foods saves the day!
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