*May contain strong language and material that some people may find offensive!*
Date: Monday 2nd March 2020
Location: West Kirby, Wirrall, Merseyside
Specifically: BEING BUFFETED AROUND BY THIS BLOODY WIND! (Sorry I’m having to shout to make myself heard!)
OK - to begin with, for those who haven't spotted it already that is. Since I arrived at West Kirby I have been referring to the water in front of Hymie as the sea as in ‘I’m on the sea front‘, ‘a walk by the sea’ and ‘the sea is threatening to pour through the roof and interfere with my pineapples’.
If you're familiar with the area you will realise that all this is, of course, totally miscolonious because the water in front of me is not the sea it’s a marina. As you can see from this rather splendid map what I ‘ave drawn and labelled up for you.
Determined not to be caught out by my lack of knowledge I set out to learn more about the area what I is currently residued on!
To start with here is a photo of the beach showing some of the main areas of interest!
The Beach earlier today!
Yes, I know I’m blowing my own strumpet
but I’m pleased to report that, after spending several days at West Kirby, I am now becoming much more knowledgeable about the beach and surrounding areas. To show how much I have progressed I went out with my camera this morning to find a few items of interest to show you.
Left to right from the top...
1. Fish egg
Can't take a great deal of credit for this first item as it is clearly an egg from a very large fish (note the pink colouration which denotes that the fish has only just hatched, the deep pink umbilical chord which is still attached to the egg and the opening at the top where the fish has clearly been born with some sort of scissor like appendage to enable it to hack its way to freedom). I'm only a beginner at this but would say that the egg comes from a very large fish such as a; King Cobra an anemone, or a Water Buffalo. A couple of teenagers walked past shouting "look at this fuckwit taking a photo of a pot from a kids tea set"but they is just messing about 'cos they is higorant.
2. Seagull
A no brainer - anyone can recognise that famous little bird of the sea that dips and soars gracefully over-head searching for food, collecting material for its nest and shitting on the heads of unsuspecting tourists from Sheffield.
3. The Jelly Fish
Another sea creature that the novice will have no trouble guessing; it is of course the Jellyfish! Jellyfish are well known for being; made out of jelly, largely transparent (unlike central government) and having no backbone (exactly like local government) They also share qualities with another creature of the sea known as the 'Loane Shark' in that they will sting anyone that comes near them.
4. The Beach Comber
This rather delicate item is used by mermaids who will often spend hours combing their hair because it's about the only thing worth bothering with - makeup gets washed of the moment they dive back in the sea and their tails are cleaned regularly by a young merman called 'Green Algae' who spends ages searching for an opening that might allow large and nasty. things to enter.
5. Batman Mask
I confess that I had to ask for a bit of help with this one after first mistaking it for a condom wrapper. One guy seemed to get a bit frustrated with me and screamed in my face "Look you bloody imbecile it's an egg from a Manta Ray"but he wasn't fooling me, anyone knows that Manta Ray were a 70's punk group who went on to form a death metal band with Jimmy Osmond. I found the answer by accident while shopping in 'Poundstretcher' . See! It was a batman mask. I'm not as green as I'm cabbage looking you know!
8. Ewwww take it away it's insanitary!
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