Contains adult themes and material which some people may find offensive
Date: Sunday 19th April 2020
Quarantine: Day
Location: Joking aside I better reveal the truth about why Hymie and me are still parked on a side street in Milnsbridge (see fascinating article below ‘why Hymie and me are still parked on a side street in Milnsbridge’
Specifically: Actual World It’s 8.14 a.m on Sunday, where d’you think I bleedin’ am’
Virtual World: *Enjoying a cup of tea and a scone while walking in space several miles above the earth, gazing at the orbiting satellites, marvelling at the beauty of our planet and taking in the atmosphere (ironic given that there isn’t any).
*Took loads of photos but unfortunately the screen shot function hasn’t saved any of the shots. However, I did manage to salvage this one on return to the ‘shuttle’
.....WHY HYMIE AND ME ARE STILL PARKED ON A SIDESTREET IN MILNSBRIDGE.
Lets get this one oot the way first. My goal was to report on my experiences of living full-time in a motorhome whilst travelling around the UK selling my wares at steampunk events. How successful or otherwise that has been is an issue I will raise in due course.
But for now I’m still feeling like a bit of a cheat - especially as I’ve been at Alex’s for the best part of 4 months. It was never my intention to travel during the coldest months of January and Feburary (maybe March as well) but I certainly planned to be on my way by now.
The lockdown hasn’t helped of course, at least not directly, with clear instructions to venture out only on essential journeys. Full-time moho owners seem to have fallen down a crack somewhere (“of course I can see where I’m goi.... yarghhhhhhhh!”) in that the government don't seem to have factored us into their plans.
Quite the reverse actually since all caravan and motorhome parks have closed. leaving many of us stranded and vulnerable and without access to vital resources like gas water and electricity.
I’m also worried about Alex; he’s not enjoying this enforced and cataclysmic break in routine and to be honest I’m concerned about leaving him. I’m sure he’ll be fine and that I’m fretting a bit too much - in fact he would probably laugh if he knew what I was thinking.
Anyway; heavy, heavy shit lets look at more fun things to do during lockdown.
CORONAVIRUS: PETS
Overall, pets are a pleasure to own, bringing; joy, comfort and lots of love and affection at this difficult time. But they can also be worrisome. I sent Roger, my pet buffalo, out for a pint of milk over an hour ago and he still hasn’t returned. 🥺
Horses usually have a head, four legs and a tail. But if you turn the horse around you can have people on by telling them that the horse has a head where its tail should be.
A tortoise makes a nice pet, however, it is rather inactive so don’t expect it to get all excited when you come home. Generally speaking it is unlikely to jump up at you, slobber over your face or roll over for you to tickle his tummy. In fact tortoises are so bloody dull why not save yourself a bit of cash by getting a large rock and placing it in a tank.
Elephants are loveable creatures so why not pop to your local dealer and buy one. I know they have them because when I enquired through the letterbox of the local pet shop I was told “elephants? oh yes we’ve got loads standing out the back, would you like one gift wrapped and delivered?
DON’T listen to worry warts who tell you that raising a tiger is difficult and dangerous. I recently got one for my wife and two childr..... sorry, wife and chi.,,,, er sorry that should be wif........ SHEBA for fucks sake go and find a ball to play with!!!
Hedgehogs may have a lot in common with the tortoise; slow, inactive and not overburdened with displays of affection but they have one major advantage. If you let off a firework behind one it will curl up into a little ball which you can then use to kick round the park.
It is not common knowledge that giraffes make fantastic pets - probably because their owners wish to keep this knowledge to themselves. Anyway bollox to them these are difficult times. The problem with a giraffe is where to keep it but I am happy to report that a number of options are available.
1. Converted block of flats
This is a great way of providing a home for your giraffe. Plenty of space to wander around, good shelter in case of rain and a convenient feeding area. This option may be a little on the pricey side for some, but not to worry, the government are offering grants to help those who require a pet since it increases morale and keeps spirits up!!
Cost: 1 giraffe, £3,466
Block of flats £47,000,000
Conversion: £33,000,000
Helicopter (to enable feeding) £1,300,000
Food (Per week) £700
Total: £85000,466
Minus government grant = £24.00
Total: £85000,442
2. Purpose built housing
This is truly a splendid option! A purpose built house enables; you, your family and your new pet to experience the joys and comfort of a real family home (albeit one that is three times higher than everyone else's on the estate).
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