Date: Tuesday 15th October 2019
Location: Huddersfield
Specifically: Huddersfield flea market
You know it's going to be a good day when it kicks off with a message from the lovely Rachael Hurdiss (whom some of you might know as Raquel Urdiss).
She expresses a genuine delight at a set of photos uploaded to Facebook, the result of a recent photoshoot where she was promoting various type of steampunk headgear sold by Captain Victory's Vicarious Accoutrements (my business in other words), she adds that "the pics have gone mental on Facebook". It's not surprising they turned out well though - Rachael is a lovely lady who is easy to work with and a complete natural in front of a camera.
I, on the other hand, find it somewhat difficult to smile in front of a camera - OK some would argue I'm just a plain curmudgeonly old bastard but they can fuck right off. I've been known to smile when something is genuinely hilarious, like when a racist bigot falls asleep in his 76 bedroom house and wakes up, having been transported to Syria, only to find himself a victim of the Mukhabarat bouncing up and down on his head with hobnail boots and taking selfies of each other.
Still, can't be doing with staying in bed all day - things to see, places to do and peeps to go - or something. Today I'm going to be spending the day as a trader on a flea bitten market in Huddersfield (or is it just 'flea' market?) - as if you needed any further proof that I'm living the dream. Why am I doing this? Because today is the day of Alex's MOT - well his car's MOT that is - not that he wouldn't benefit from an MOT himself of course - but anyway, I'm waffling (very nice with butter and honey or so I'm told) and someone i.e. moi needs to look after his stall while he takes his car to the garage. I daresay you will require photographic evidence of moi in action. Oh and smiling as well! Holy fuck - hang on then here it is - don't expect Christmas cards wth them on - you can make your own.
Now - I'm getting to thinking that, following my earlier comments about the steampunk aspect of my blog, I need to find some way of giving the day a steampunk slant. So - I am going to take myself off around the flea market to see if I can find anything steampunk related or that could be circumscised (or is it customised?) into a steampunk accessory or piece of artwork.
45 minutes later, one good saunter around and a 'conversation' with the most boring imbecile this side of an online store specialising in "The World's Most Incredibly Useless and Totally Boring and Brainless Imbeciles"I return to Alex's pitch with my purhcase!
A small water pistol that will make a very nice steampunk weapon. I have also seen a few interesting bits and pieces that may do well at a steampunk market but not necessarily for me - I need to be careful of how much stock I carry due to limited space in the moho.
Having had little success wandering around Huddersfield market I take a short break (ow!) and set of in the vicinity of 'The Range', usually a good place for me since they sell cheap Nerf gun replicas, Halloweeen stuff (well during Halloween of course) loads of craft making materials, in fact all manner of stuff which will suit the steampunk craftsperson.
I was in luck and found a couple more guns. I also purhcased a lever arch file and a pack of clear plastic wallets. These will be used to form a catalogue of sorts which I can use with customers who require customised items or stuff that isn't currently available.
This pretty much took care of the morning and with that I headed back to see Alex, have a spot of lunch and then head into the town centre. There wasn't a great deal of time - I knew Alex would be packing his stall up shortly as he had to go and collect his car from the garage. But I did manage to buy another couple of decent guns that could be customised ftrom a store called 'One Below’ ( a bit like a Poundstretcher’ but at a slightly lower temperature) I approached the checkout handed over the merchandise (I love the way merchandise is used euphamistically in movies to describe large amounts of cash, drugs or firearms) and waited for the checkout assistant to
ask me for money - for the merchandise!! Instead she asked "would you like any polo mints with that!?" "exqueeze me? er polo mints?" "yes we're doing an offer on them 4 for a pound"
OK let me pause there for a moment - because this is not the first time I've encountered this phenomenon. In fact I have come across it many times in all manner of retail outlets; garages, post offices, supermarkets and the like - pestering customers for some totally bloody unrelated item the moment they arrive at the till?
Nipped in to buy a couple of Nerf guns replicas which I felt were worth customising. I arrive at the till and am asked "would you like any polo mints with that?". Polo mints? Huh? Why in the name of a pair of ladies beef curtains would I want polo mints with a plastic toy? Is there some connection between shooting people in the eye wth a water pistol and sucking on a small round mint? Is it supposed to double up as some kind of target? squirt the water through the hole in the centre and win a prize" "No, as a matter of fact I do not require polo mints, why would I want polo mints? "I've been sucking hard enough on a small round hole under the sheets for the past half hour thank-you very much just give me a good old fag any time!" And can you imagine if they start this at hospitals. “Ah good morning Sir I understand you are in for a heart transplant today would you like a leg amuptated while we're about it? Or “good afternoon madam I see you're in for a mastectomy, would you like a lung removed at the same time?
Mein gott in himmel the world is going to shit!!!
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