Date: Tuesday 11th August 2020
Location: Wem
Specifically: Sat sweltering in the heat like a huge soggy suet pudding rendering me no use to anybody.
I am a woebegone wuss at certain times of the year - usually the times that everyone else is particularly cheerful about (idiots!);
Christmas (how can anyone enjoy a period where many of our actions are determined by obligation!? “My nephew Timmy is a shit but his parents bought my 13 year old Vanessa a Bay City Rollers CD last year despite them not having been in the charts for forty years and her being into 'Slipknot' so I better buy something for the little stain!”
Spring I have an image of Springtime in my head that has been there ever since primary school (remind me to tell you a story about the freaky teacher we had one year) The image is one of a series of posters based on the four seasons. It had swaying daffodils and the most vivid blue sky you ever saw. Underneath the picture was a verse that went something like 'March brings breezes loud and shrill and - something meaning the daffs gets bent a bit in the breeze - golden daffodil'. Aye well whatever it was it was bollox that or someone had got the seasons mixed up because the only thing I remember about March is snow drifts, freezing cold and running over a gnome in a neighbours garden when my car swerved on a patch of ice.
Summer (did you ever see Episode 2 of the comedy series ‘Black Books’ the one where Bill Bailey is terrified of the temperature hitting 86 degrees because he then turns into a rampaging psychotic lunatic? Thats me up to a point except that during the summer I am much to lethargic to rampage anywhere. The most I can manage is to squat in a corner like an arse in a bin bag. And if you haven't already guessed it my favourite season is...
Autumn! I love the falling leaves (unless it's me thats having to sweep them up) , the range of colours, the temperature which is usually temperate and almost always perfect for walking. There is a quiet stillness about the air which suggests you aren't going to get blown arse over tit in your birthday suit (or do I mean Sunday best??)
Let's move on to one of my friends who is the polar opposite....
MORE KAT
For those who have just jumped into my blog and haven't heard of The Kat allow me to enlighten you (not in a religious way you understand, I'm delighted you're reading my blog 'n all that but I am not going to prostrate myself in front of you - besides have you seen how they test for stuff that has the word 'prostrate in it!? "Ewww kindly keep your hands where I can see them thank you!). Kat is an amazingly talented artist who uses her skills to design and manufacture items largely for the 'alternative market' usually selling her wares at the various 'con' events (as in Comic Cons, Horror Cons, Sci-Fi cons and so on) She is currently forging ahead with more face masks in new fabrics! She’s also doing a range of headbands. Perfect! just right for the miserable sweaty bloke (i.e. moi) in the middle of summer - plus (bonus!) it hides his miserable physiognomy.
Here's the fabric!...
...and here is one of the finished masks..
You can find out more about Kat and the items she desigens and creates under the category 'Featured Artists'.
FACEBOOK MEMORIES
You know those memories most people have - usually based on some great achievement like saving a life, doing exceptional work for charity or removing the manhole cover from outside No 10 Downing Street. Aye well this ain’t one of them but it might give some of you’s a laff.
Posted to Facebook August 2019
"First outing with Typhoon (a type of drone) flying in a small area about half the size of a football pitch. Camera not switched on. Out of the corner of my eye I see a man come out of his house and start walking towards me - he looks angry, like a red faced dwarf. I prepare myself for the inevitable - " you can't fly that round here speech" and sure enough he launches into his tirade, adding that he is going to ring the police, if it comes near his house he's going to throw a brick at it, I have no right to be flying here, Yada, yada, yada. He then tells me he is going to photograph me as evidence.
He goes away and comes back with his mobile. At this point I go into weird mode. I have no idea why but as he tries to take a picture I run in circles around him, first clockwise then anti-clockwise. I then hide behind a tree peeping out at him. I then go to my Typhoon case to grab a couple of tools making sure I have my back to him. I then run in circles around him again then stop in front of him. I then leap up and down in front of his mobile, bouncing around, jumping in the air and waving my arms in front of his face. Am I insane, just someone who's sick to death of these complainers, getting senile? Etc"
DO THE SHEIK (Overdone gag but it's MY blog)
The Hotel where I stayed
in Sharm
One of the great things about going to a holiday resort that turns out to be, not only, horrible, miserable and utterly depressing and at times pant-wettingly frightening. Is that you can return with a whole bunch of photographs that you can use to convince others you had a good time. I refer to the Egyptian resort of Sharm-El-Sheik - which is well know for being popular with scuba divers (probably in search of tourists who threw themselves in the sea in an attempt to escape the pushy shopkeepers).
It's fair to say that it wasn't all bad. So here are some good bits!
Taxi drivers who were so keen to take us to our hotel that they had to be beaten off with sticks by airport security.
Lazing around by the pool keeping out of sight of terrorists who were purported to be in the area looking for things to blow up.
Enjoying bus rides to the beach where the best drivers could get us to the right stop 6 times out of 10!
Shopkeepers taking you by your shirt collar so you didn't accidentally miss their shop!
Sales people who refused to give you your change "because it is for your protection to keep you safe from thieves and muggers".
Staff at the hotel, ever mindful about the welfare of guests, put so much chlorine in the swimming pool that our testicles felt like they were burning off.
A customs official was so keen for me to get home safely that he charged me another £60 to get back home.
MOVIE NIGHT
After a brief chat to Sean about his military style motorhome which is currently being spruced up for a steampunk event sometime in the near future he casually asks when I'm going to be paying this months pitch rent. Oh shit!!! It's getting on for half way through the month, I know he said there was no hurry but the best part of two weeks is taking the piss. He says it doesn't matter yet it clearly does - I offer to pay by bank transfer - again he says theres no rush. But it matters to me if nothing else. I promise him I'll go to the bank first thing tomorrow. I hate getting to the stage where someone has to remind me that I owe them money - but equally I'm hopeless if someone says - "theres no rush". I think the little people who manage my brain just rub their hands together and interpret that as"Ah forget it you don't need to pay anything; that's for other malingerers, wastrels and layabouts , who needs money go and buy yourself some sweets instead,.
I have a pleasant chat with Rachael (via messenger) - she's currently decorating her house from top to bottom - the speed she works at it will probably be finished by the weekend. Then she'll be off doing several more mammoth tasks. She ought to meet Sean - thats what he does, has loads of jobs going at the same time. Interesting that Rachael, Kat and Sean all feature on the autistic spectrum and all have this particular characteristic.
20:30 I decide to enjoy the rest of the evening relaxing with a movie. It's the one time where I refuse to do anything. Tonight it's going to be 'Absolutely Anything'. Starring Simon Pegg and kate Beckinsale - two terrifica actors. Go ahead if you want to watch it - I've seen it before and it's a brilliant movie!
Goodnight everyone!
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