Deals with adult themes and may contain material which some people may find offensive
Date: Monday 24th August 2020
Location: Having lunch and looking over someones head into a field.
Specifically: Listening to everyone singing a miserable dirge about “whale meat again’
DARING CRIMINALS (OR THE WORLD IS GOING TO HELL IN A HANDBASKET).
I have made the mistake of become swept away with the idea that, since lockdown procedures began the world actually seems to be becoming a nicer place. Sadly a number of recent incidents have led me to conclude that this is not necessarily the case.
I was made aware of the most recent incident this morning when an acquaintance uploaded a post to Facebook detailing a most despicable and heinous crime.
What happened was this. Some miserable sweaty arsed poe faced tit bag had parked his vehicle (or veehakle if you’re from America) right in front of my acquaintances driveway thereby blocking his entrance and exit (both painful conditions if you’ve ever suffered from them).
Now those of you who have been reading my blog from the outset will know that I had to put up with a similar situation on the estate where I used to live. In my case this cauliflower eared, beer swilling waste of skin (or “reet miserable b*****d oo can’t tek ‘is ale” if you’re from Yorkshire) had decided to park, not just his car outside my house but also encouraged every other member of his family including friends and relatives to do the same thing! He said this was acceptable because he had been ‘given permission’ from my next door neighbour - who is a friend of their family. Here’s a photos showing the kind of selfish parking this t**t gets off on.
I thought this was bad but it’s nothing compared to what an acquaintance of mine has had to put up with. Just look at the positioning of this bloody vehicle! Totally blocking the driveway!
It’s not as if the ‘driver’ has made any effort to park away from the drive the useless dollop of freshly downloaded dung appears to have aimed for the area where he will be the biggest nuisance!
My reason for reporting this isn’t just to moan; you all know I'm not one to complain. No. I am writing this with the aim of creating an uprising. Taking action against imbeciles like this. A call to arms if you will. I will start by naming and shaming the malodorous swine who has created such havoc. Which has been made possible thanks to the 26 neighbourhood watch CCTV cameras that have been attached to each house. But I ask, nay beg! you to consider an appropriate punishment for this scoundrel!
Lets move on to happier things.. SUPER HERO
I have reported on at least one previous occasion that my lovely friend Rachael is possibly a super hero. I have had my suspicions for some time but have been unable to reach a conclusion due to a lack of evidence. However, spurred on by my recent success, when I was able to confirm that the artist Kat Croker was related to Spiderman’s arch nemesis Dr Octopus with the confirmation that she actually has three pairs of arms controlled by telekinesis I decided to look more closely into Rachael’s background to see what I could find. My suspicions were first roused several months ago in October 2019. I had booked to trade at the Sheffield City Hall on the night of 31st October. Once my pitch had been set up I looked around for Rachael but could see no sign of her. About an hour into the Halloween Ball a girl who I would describe as being very similar in height and build to Rachael approached me. I couldn't tell for certain it was her because she was wearing a mask. She looked in my direction and said “it’s me but I’m trying not to be recognised because there's a shifty looking devil pestering me who I don't like the look of" My suspicions were aroused immediately. Rachael wouldn't hide her face just because some clown was bothering her she would just brain them with a lump hammer, pop them in a refuse sack and leave them for the bin men to collect in the morning (Well maybe she would just give them a piece of her mind but you know what I mean). But why would she go to this much trouble to hide her identity? It was as if the masked girl in front of me could read my thoughts. “It’s the masked ball remember?” A likely story. If my years of reading comic books (which are still ongoing by the way) have taught me one thing it's that the only people who hide their identity are superhero's! But I needed more proof.
Over the following weeks and months I watched her from a safe distance - taking photos and keeping a log of anything suspicious. Then one day a policeman approached me and asked what I was doing. I told him “I think my friend is a super hero but because she usually wears a mask I’m following her to find out for certain and to discover whether she can fly, lift trucks single handed n fight several people at once n that” The policeman said “well I can help you there because I've just seen her get changed in a phone box and fly off to rescue 600 passengers from a burning A657 Airbuss using the water from a nearby lake to put the fire out" "Really?" I asked "NO!" "now f**k off home or I'll arrest you for stalking!" Hmphhhhh I decided I needed to be more careful. I persisted in following Rachael but at a more discreet distance. My patience was soon rewarded.
One afternoon I just happened to be peering over her garden fence. I could hear loud banging but was unable to determine from which direction the sound was coming from. That's when I saw it. I had guessed that Rachael was friends with Thor the Thunder God (well at least on Facebook) but you could have knocked me down with a pair of Superman’s tights when I witnessed Rachael wielding Thor's hammer! This was excellent intel but I still needed more proof - if reporters questioned Rachael about the hammer she would probably just tell them she was using it to build a new driveway or something. It was some weeks before I was able to gather further evidence. Then one evening as I was wandering around the estate where Rachael lives a car drove past me - a very badly dented car I might add. In it were two terrified looking men. The driver was swerving all over the road fighting to regain control while the other was mopping his brow with a handkerchief. “She’s crazy! “Absolutely bloody crazy" screamed handkerchief man. “Imagine a diminutive little thing like that throwing beer kegs at us!" I laughed inwardly. I knew Rachael did a lot of weight training and used the kegs in her routine. She once told me they were empty but it couldn’t hurt to check.
I returned after dark with the aim of locating the kegs and examining them to see if they really were empty. Stealthily I made my way through the house taking care not to make a sound. I was just about to turn left into a corridor when I saw what appeared to be a vague rectangular shape on the wall in front of me. It appeared to be a door of some kind but with no means of opening it that I could see. Clearly whatever lay behind it was meant to be kept secret.
I backed away from the room and continued along my previous heading. This time I was in luck. Up ahead I could see a door on the right. It led to some kind of utility room, but it was hard to tell in the darkness. I felt around for a light switch but could find nothing. All I could make out were a small number of LED's blinking on and off. But as I became more accustomed to the light I was able to make out other objects; panels of instruments, a bank of four state of the art laptop computers, a machine that I guessed must be for interrogating people labelled ‘Pressure Gauge’ rows and rows of what appeared to be weapons based on alien technology labeled ARG - OS, a mask (different to the one worn at the City Hall) with a dark screen no doubt to hide her identity. I tried to have a closer look but it seemed to be attached to a large cylinder which in turn was connected to a long metal rod. And right in the centre of all this technology a highly polished black utility vehicle. I was so stunned I could scarcely breathe. This must be Rachael’s lair! Like the bat cave or Superman’s fortress of solitude. Without a shadow of a doubt this was where she could keep up to date with reports about criminal activity, gather intel and practice her combat skills! Thats when I saw them. Stacked in a corner so dark I almost missed them - her famous beer kegs. The ones she had used to bring two burly men to the point of terror by hurling them at their car. I tried to lift one and, perspiring heavily, gave up. Impossible. It was as I suspected. The kegs weren’t empty as she had once told me - they were filled with lead! I had almost completed my investigation into Rachael and was ready to publish my findings but before that I received an unexpected bonus. Unbeknown to Rachael I had travelled to Elsecar Heritage Centre where I knew she was attending a Steampunk event. Most of what I witnessed was just routine - photographers forming a lengthy queue to take pictures of her, dozens of requests for her phone number, being crowded by swarms of admirers a number of marriage proposals and one cheeky b*****d who had the nerve to make lewd suggestions. Her response? On display adjacent to the rail-tracks was a pair of wheels from a locomotive. I estimate they weighed around 5 tons in total. Rachael lifted these up in one hand, twirled them around her head and threw them in his direction. He attempted to run for it but the wheels landed directly behind him. Thinking he was a safe distance away he turned to make a final obscene gesture and in doing so toppled forwards over the wheels with his face buried in several inches of goat dollop. Rachael simply lifted the weights of him but threatened to drop them on his head if he didn't make himself scarce.
One evening while tailing her (oh shut up - bloody comedians!) I observed her as she walked into a building (ouch) - a gym or dance school of some kind (obviously a crafty cover like Dr Xaviers's school for people with special abilities) A few moments lapsed before I saw her again. When I did I was shaking with trepidation and excitement ("Look do you want me to finish this or not!?") Through a window I could see she had changed out of the jeans and top she had when she went in and, here’s the kicker, she was flying!! Absolutely true - had her right hand in a fist and her arm stretched out n everything. She obviously hadn’t realised anyone could see her because she wasn’t wearing her mask! When she came out of the building she had changed back into the black outfit she had on when she went in!!! Little did she know that I had photographed her flying round the room...
I had all the evidence I needed. Lead filled beer kegs that no human on earth could lift, the ability to fly and the sheer volume of tasks she is able to accomplish.
But now what? I couldn't tell Rachael what I knew, she would never trust me again and I couldn't give away her identity for obvious reasons. Best idea I can come up with? Do what they do in the movies and leave it in mid air. Maybe someone will come up with a suggestion in the forum!
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