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The Bells, The Bells!

Writer's picture: captainvictoriesbigsteampunkadventure.comcaptainvictoriesbigsteampunkadventure.com

Updated: Jul 19, 2020

*Contains adult themes and material which some people may find offensive*


Date: Wednesday 30th October 2019


Location: The Foundry Retail Park, Rotherham


Specifically: Oooohhh shhhhhh!

4.00 am this morning and I am woken by the sound of a bell, a succession of bells actually. Strange - I thought I’d heard the last of those when I left teaching a few years ago. Just as well as I was starting to feel like one of Pavlov’s dogs - except I wasn’t so much as drooling as frothing at the mouth.


I listened to the bells (“the bells, the bells”, - have to say it don’t you, it’s compulsory) for a few moments trying to determine the direction of the sound and what might be causing it. (Well that’s the way I like to phrase it, really I was trembling under the duvet like a shivering whippet).


Well, jump to conclusions don’t you? Here I am on a retail park (*where I am cunningly disguised as a building site to give the impression I am supposed to be here i.e. next to a section of car park which is undergoing restoration) surrounded by shops - closed shops - bit of traffic on the dual carriageway and nary a school or leper colony in sight - hands up all those who are asking “what’s the difference!?”


So I could not fathom what or who was causing the ringing sound. Though I’m guessing it was some sort of dead ringer.

I amused myself for a few minutes brainstorming ideas......


An ancient ice-cream man (in the days when their arrival was announced by a bell and not one of those modern grating sounds like an amplified music box!) Geddit! I Scream Man ..... ah stuff you then.


A haunted ship that lost its way searching for Rotterdam.


An ancient town cryer (plenty of reasons for crying in Rotherham)


A door to door salesman who died searching for a buzz.


Shameless nun who died while looking for someone to tug her clappers.


An old monk searching for his bell end (I know doesn’t really work but it was irresistible).


Before I go on... allow me to up date you on Nigel’s progress for the pussy lovers among you (oh shut up, can’t bloody well resist it can you!?).


Message from Alex to say “Mr pussy cat has a clean bill of health”. So there you are then - Nigel is alive and doing well despite his being squished!


Actually on the subject of Alex - last night we were discussing plans for our evenings entertainment.


Alex: “I’m at a chums this evening. What are you up to?


Moi; “Why - I’m throwing a dinner party where I will be entertaining 276 guests who will then accompany me on a tour of the grounds with particular emphasis on the gardens and stables before retiring for drinks in the drawing room”


Well it sounded better than the truth - I am going to throw out the rubbish, go for a wee and update my blog.


* Should mention for the benefit of anyone thinking I’m giving motorhome owners a bad name. This was on a retail park with no height or parking restrictions, but parking was at the owners own risk.

Doncaster Steampunks: Salutation Inn, Doncaster.


More laters!!

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