*Contains adult themes and material which some people may find offensive*
Date: Saturday 16th November 2019
Location: Matlock Bath
Specifically: Cafe next door to the ladybird centre dressed like Elton John.
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After finally getting a few hours sleep - no thanks to hooligans screeching around the car park at 1.00 am this morning causing me to push off to find another location elsewhere - I woke directly outside the venue ready for action - NOT!
I guess having the opportunity to do a market following two weeks of inactivity should have been something to look forward to - except that I wasn’t. Truth be known I was dragging my heels. I’m not 100% certain why but my gut feeling is that I’ve developed a passion for writing and a lack of any real enthusiasm for crafting steampunk accessories.
With writing I can, and do, frequently work from morning until night; even tea and lunch breaks are cut short, or even worked through altogether. I will spend ages looking for one word that I think might be funnier than an other or which fits better for some other reason. This is the dedication required for success. It’s not that I don’t enjoy the steampunk crafting , it’s just that I don’t enjoy it as much as writing.
I will finish the year out with the last steampunk festivals then see how I feel. I’m going of the road for a while during the winter months so that will allow me to see if I can manage with the monthly allowance I currently have. If I can I will probably sell my stock and focus on my writing.
Anywhere enough of this boring claptrap, this is for me to work through anyway.
Not sure what happened to my brain just before 8.00 a.m this morning but I decided that once my pitch was organised I would treat myself to a proper sit down breakfast cooked by someone else. With that I nipped to the cafe next door and ordered a full English!
What did I expect? A solitary tomato? a lonely egg, an isolated sausage; a couple of mushrooms cast adrift on a miniature pond of ‘Crisp n Dry’ with a side spot of HP sauce. I wish! (no, really I do, don’t take the piss). Well whatever I expected I was in for a surprise because this is what I actually got ...
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Now overlooking the fact that this is, not so much a breakfast as a ration delivery for the whole of Syria did you spot the little quirk? assuming you didn’t I refer of course to the part of the plate containing beans and tomatoes. Just in case you thought I was; pissed, dreaming, hallucinating, suffering the effects of recreational drugs or living in a parallel universe, I did say beans AND tomatoes!!!
Seriously who’s delinquent brain is so fucked up, so trashed and so utterly unhinged that they would put these two items on the same plate!? They shouldn’t even exist in the same building!!! Hell I know people want to provide value for money but imagine, for example, if this sort of thing were to occur in the fashion industry.
Genuine meeting-the-queen T-Shirt printed with pointing thumb logo and ‘I’m with this old Bitch’ lettering.
or......
Genuine skinhead denim rally jacket with ‘I’m the only gay in the village’ patch.
or.....
‘3 piece funeral suit in wretched black tastefully adorned with matching ‘Fuck me did somebody just die?’ emblem.
Breakfast over and time to waddle to the Ladybird centre next door to begin the days trading.
Employing my skills as a great businessman I find myself 50 quid down inside the first hour - Bloody stupid gargantuan breakfast with food pairings that shouldn't be seen on the outside of a bin bag 10 quid, hat 25 quid and cane 15 quid. Yay......
After lunch and finding myself in the midst of a quiet moment (which, rather uncannily, coincided with the trading period of 10.00 am - 4.30 pm) I went in search of my mate Tony and his bubble blowing business ‘Memorabubble’! anything rather than stand here pacing up and down deserted floorboards.
I eventually found him about 500 yards up the road (not that difficult when you’re walking in pretty much a straight line) blowing off at a spot close to the river (so I guess he must have just finished his lunch as well).
I have to hand it to Tony - he runs a splendid business. Not surprising given the amount of work he puts in. I’m sure there are people who think he just turns up with a bucket of washing up liquid and a large bubble wand, blows a few into the air for an hour then fucks off several pounds richer. But you would be surprised.
I‘ve watched him making preparations for a performance and the work he puts in is quite extraordinary. To start with the bubble mixture is a special recipe - I don’t know what it is and I wouldn’t tell you if I did except that it takes a long time to make up.
To create the type, quality and quantity of bubbles he needs - hundreds at a time, bubbles you can stand inside of, voluminous bubbles that span several feet in length, bubbles of different shapes and so on - requires specialist equipment. You can buy some of it in shops (but even then lots of practice is required in order to use the equipment successfully) but most of it he has to design and make himself.
Bubbles are also affected by weather conditions for example they will last longer in mild weather. In extreme cold conditions it‘s possible to actually produce frozen bubbles.
His displays are truly magnificent! I have seen him on many ocassions performing with his partner Shirley (don’t!) surrounded by millions of bubbles. It’s an instant crowd puller - one moment people are drifting past doing nothing in particular, the next they gather in droves to gaze in awe at the truly spectacular show; it is really quite wonderful to see children squeal with delight as they try to catch the bubbles, jump up and down to pluck them out of the air or join Tony in producing wonderful bubble displays.
Not so much moving on as doing a cartwheel, followed by a triple somersault and a high dive into a sea of man eating seaweed - have a look at this picture....
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I don’t know what I expected to see on my travels around Matlock but it wasn’t this.
Now I know that the government wants to discourage waste. But this is ridiculous - sure, encourage people to bring their own bag for everyday shopping like; milk, eggs, toilet rolls, breast enhancement cream and penis enlargers, give a big up to initiatives that cut down on packaging. But fuck me if I spend about 30 grand on a car I expect to take it home in something a bit more exotic than a plastic carrier bag!!! Christ it’s not even got a bow on it! and how the fuck do they think you’ll even get this on the bus!? Appalling.
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