Christmas Poem!

*May contain strong language and material that some people may find offensive!*

Date: Wednesday 11th December 2019

Location: Elsecar

Specifically: Heritage Centre

My friend Lol, like all creative people producing things of quality, inspires others. I am no exception in that I too have been inspired by his writing.

Lol being inspiring

At the same time I am conscious that I may have given the impression that I do not enjoy Christmas; that I am perceived as some sort of Scrooge who spends his time driving around, sightseeing and dining only on gruel but it can be hard trying to persuade people otherwise. Today, for example, I drive around Elsecar in

my van visiting places of interest, enjoying a leisurely stroll, snapping a few photographs here and there and absorbing the local culture before returning to base where I treated myself to a bowl of porridge.

So for the benefit of those cynical people I present to you for the first time my rather special poem about Christmas. Enjoy, and do please feel free to share this with your friends and loved ones at this most special time of year.

Here then is my attempt at a Christmas poem!

Christmas is the season

When jollity is all around

Especially when you can buy presents

From some shops for only a pound.

Those that receive them are grateful

They dont know what the things cost

And they'll only scoff them on Christmas day

Or break them or get them all lost

My favourite thing to buy is a condom

That can blow into a great big balloon

So the owner can bonk all night if he wants

To a rollicking arse banging tune

I have also bought toys for children

The ones we all hold in our hearts

But I am very careful to choose the ones

That contain only bits and small parts

Feeling generous one year while out shopping

I bought a small gift for my ex

A vibrator shaped like a large bullet

That was set to explode during sex

Her mother, thank God, was quick on the scene

She asked what had happened and how

I told her her daughter was almost dead

So she shot her saying “good, she is now”

I couldn't leave out my friend Alex

So steered him to the edge of a cliff

Where he exclaimed with a frown, while on the way down

“All this because of a tiff!?”

It was clear to me that my Christmas gifts

Were bringing warmth and good cheer

“Well fuck me“ I thought it‘s so easy

I think I‘ll do it again next year!