Contains adult themes and material which some people may find offensive
Date: Wednesday 3rd June 2020
Quarantine: Day
Location: The Lawn CP
Specifically: Sat sprawled across the two captains chairs writing my blog and signing up companies who are buying advertising space.
VR: Drifting through space while trying to avoid large obstacles, menacing drones and collecting power cells to enhance my collection of space rockets!
Watched first episode of ‘Picard’ (seen it once but it was a while ago. Need a Jean-Luc refresher course!).
*Aye anno does nae really work but I still think it’s a catchy title!
After the rain we’ve had for most of the past twelve months you would think I wouldn’t care if I never saw another drop of the stuff. But this morning as I wake to the pitter patter of raindrops I confess I’m delighted (even more so if I had chosen to sleep inside my van).
Why?
Because it indicates lots of good things!
Not related but welcome all the same was my wake up call from Rachael. Her message brings back good thoughts from our most recent conversation the most obvious one being a selfie of her holding a large hammer. She doesn’t get why she fills me with so much amusement. But you only have to glance at this image to see why
Tiny girl
Non traditional task
Visions of what the hammer might be for (Improving the drive before you say anything!)
The “Hey I do this sort of thing everyday” expression
Another selfie - post-taking hammer to driveway. This time slugging on a beer! Well deserved she needs to take it easy a lot more often.
Funny? Absolutely and for the same reasons as above (minus No 3 of course and maybe No 4).
So why am I happy about rain!?
It means the drunkards will go and find someplace else to get smacked off their tits.
It means I will not have to worry about teenagers charging around like rhino’s with footballs, skateboards, rollerblades, getting high on weed and loafing around in a homogenous lump of non-existent social-distancing.
It’s cool so I don’t need to worry about a lack of energy due to excessive sweating, puffing and panting and guzzling juice from bottles the size of oil drums.
I have a great viewing window where I can watch people getting drenched while having my tea and biscuits.
I can wander around the soaking hoards asking if they would like a *hot drink and a chance to come in out of the rain.
*There is a greater chance of me leaving my estate to a care home for demoralised bullfrogs
BIG NOOZ
Just to be clear (“chuck us the Windowlene Mabeline!”) the thrilling little passage about to follow really ain’t big news at all. Actually it’s more of a courtesy (like those things ladies do when they are introduced to royalty, celebrities or men with fat wallets). In fact from your perspextive (another clever little window reference) it’s probably more of a pain in the arse.
You will notice (or should do if I’ve done my work *properly) a few promotional items pop up here and there on my blog posts. This is because, as much as I enjoy writing, We (Hymie and me that is) also have to eat. Now while I’m happy enough with bean on toast (‘cos I’m not what you call ‘loaded’) Hymie has more expensive tastes like gas, diesel and oil. And the money has to come from some place. In this case promotional advertising.
I’ve taken care only to sign with businesses who are likely to produce items my readers will be interested in. And on the understanding that they are not overly intrusive i.e popping up in front of your face while your’e trying to read something. But this is an interactive blog so please feel free to share your thoughts. I will also put this in the forum which will allow free discussion.
*Unlikely
STEAMPUNK
It is starting to look more and more as though I will have to cease trading at steampunk events. Writing is excessively labour intensive and there simply isn’t going to be time to produce steampunk accessories as well (or at least not if I’m hoping to get a few minutes to myself each week).
However, I will still be attending steampunk events. Steampunk is the centre of my life and my main source of inspiration. I will get my thinking top hat on and try to come up with a few ideas, perhaps some kind of blog promotion or something. Again if you have any thoughts or ideas please feel free to share either through the blog forum or via messenger.
COMPUTER
Ping! Bzzzzzzzz! Clank (clank??? eh?) Ah yes the vibration has caused my phone to slide into my mug (as in drinking mug).
Presumably Rachael reminding me its time for my walk. But before I am able to check I notice that something is amiss with my computer. Im in the process of selling advertising space on my blog. But the moment I hit the ‘send’ button to forward my details to prospective companies nothing happens.
A moment of frustration “work you ****** thing!!!” Surprisingly enough it does! A message appears on screen to tell me my into has been sent and I will be hearing from the company shortly! Well I never. They should add that to the list of ‘Greatest Repairs of all Time’ along with thumping the television, and kicking the washing machine.
TEMPLE GARDENS
I set out for my walk but the moment I’m out the door I experience a feeling of light headedness. I take no chances and go only a short distance, I don’t want another spell of passing out.
A mile and a half or so from The Lawn I find myself at the park area I visited the other day. The one that was like a mini Sculpture Park. A quick look at the tourist information board sited at the entrance...... (just next to the now familiar Coronavirus sign saying
THIS AREA IS FOR USE BY THE GENERAL PUBLIC TO MEET, MIX AND SHARE A RANGE OF SOCIAL ACTIVITIES.
KEEP AWAY FROM EACH OTHER
DO NOT SPEAK TO ANYONE
OR YOU WILL ASKED TO *LEAVE
HAVE A NICE DAY!
*Via our Tanoy system
.....informed me I was at Temple Gardens. Very nice.
I didn’t realise it but this is the location of the Bishops House a place I had planned to visit anyway. As it turns out there were other interesting things afoot.
Not wishing to take any chance of passing out and because it had started raining heavily I found a bench on top of a hill and sat down. I just had time to send a quick message to Rachael when I noticed a man beneath me (bloody pervert!) towing a canoe on a trailer.
CANOODLING
For those of you who may not be aware the boat in the picture is the ‘canoe’ I refer to. People who use these regularly and especially those who have achieved a high level of competence are called ‘canoedlers’.
It is not unusual (said Tom Jones) to see canoes in odd places. For example the likeliest place to see one would be on fast moving water. This type of canoedling is known as white water rafting and gets its name from the washing up liquid thrown into the water to produce foam for the canoeddlers to play in.
For more information on the colour of water see interesting article below (‘Water Colours’)
WATER COLOURS
Remember the first paintings you ever did as a child (and the first two lines of ‘Yellow Submarine’ by The Beatles for that matter) Sky of blue and sea of green. Well it’s a fact that water is more than just one colour. Depending on where you are in the world water can be many colours. Water is blue if you live in the mediterranean (great for swimming in but makes very strange tea). Green if you live by the seaside in places like Bridlington, Scarborough or the Peak District. Grey if people have washed dishes in it and a sort of murky brown in areas with a high number of people with wealth, property, land and power - usually referred to as ‘people of effluence’
......AND BACK TO CANOE MAN!
Had we been in the vicinity of a lake, river or wildly rushing rapids I would not ordinarily have given this much attention. But here we were in the middle of a park, half a mile away from the nearest water with nothing to float on except a few acres of grass.
No question the rain was coming down more heavily now. I looked at the man then the clouds and back to the man. I hadn’t noticed it before but in front of the man was a hollow, the place where I saw the horse shit stones the other day. He also appeared to be holding council with a few people - I would guess on the subject of canoedling since they seemed to be looking rather admiringly in his direction.
And then the answer presented itself! He was telling everyone about the end of his most recent break up. Apparently this girl ‘Lorraine’ had dumped him via text. He heard nothing more from her until he got a new girlfriend. The ex was incensed. Seemed she didn’t want him but she didn’t want anyone else to have him either.
She took to pestering him constantly with phone calls, text messages, messages passed on via mutual friends, messages passed on by the mutual friends of mutual friends, threats of harming herself not to mention following around everywhere he went.
Finally he came up with a solution. He knew that whenever there was a heavy downpour ‘Horse Shit Ditch’, as it was affectionately known, filled with water. When it did so it became a small lake big enough to sail his canoe on!
At this point he would put his canoe into the water climb in and sail right into the centre of the lake. He would then anchor the canoe, lay down inside and cover himself with the tarpaulin that was used to protect the canoe in winter. He did this because he knew it would help keep Lorraine off.
THE BELLS
If you’re fond of the sound of bells ringing then you’ll love Lincoln. Bell ringing is widely practiced in these parts; not surprising when you consider that the cathedral takes up 97.6% of Lincoln.
I heard bells loud and clear only moments after Mr Canoe man had hidden away from his ex girlfriend. Fortunately I had my camera with me. I clicked the shutter once, twice three times to make absolutely certain I would capture the bells.
Sadly and to my disappointment I was out of luck. I quickly gave the pictures a good Photoshopping but it was useless. No matter which way I looked at the photos I simply could not hear the bells.
Never mind maybe I’ll have better luck at the weekend when I go out to photograph the sound of farm animals, a singing nun and the Avondale Male Voice Choir.
CORONAVIRUS UPDATE
Well now I really have seen everything. It’s bad enough that we have to keep two metres apart from people who we were looking forward to relieving of their wallet, tripping up or punching in the face now Lincoln Council have taken things a step further. A step too far I might add!
From today weight restrictions will be imposed on Lincoln’s main highways! (See picture above) It will now be compulsory to weigh less than 7.5 tons on roads where this sign is displayed. If you ignore this you could receive a LIFETIME BAN from being on certain roads in Lincoln!!!
I arranged for a cub reporter to interview council leader Robyn Bullyem who said “Lincoln council believes that in the interests of keeping people safe it is no longer feasible to allow people on the road who require there own postcode”.
But pedestrians we spoke to expressed concern about the weight restriction. “I currently weigh 8 st 6lbs and use this road to get to work. What am I going to do If I put on another 135 stones!? I really am going to have to be careful with my weight”.
“I’m very partial to my fry ups, Sunday dinners and 37 pints a night said Bob Dimthorpe of West Lindsey. But this restriction is going to cause me so much undue stress. At the moment I weigh 7.3 tons so will have to go on a bit of a diet if I’m to be allowed to use this road to visit my favourite pie shop”.
But Bob (a local builder) told us “o tha soft in’t ee-ad or what!? (He wasn’t from Lincoln) That restriction only applies to heavy vehicles not people. At which point our reporter quickly shuffled away.
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